I miss getting into my writing. I miss being obsessed with the characters and their stories that I couldn’t wait to write more each day. I would draw them (poorly) to try and make them more real because I wanted to know everything I could about them. I miss crying with them and laughing and feeling sad or angry or elated.

But every time I start to write I hear this voice in my head. “You’re not good enough. This will never be good. You’re not smart enough or clever enough or good enough to write something that will be good. And you will never be.”

So I don’t write. I’ll get maybe a page done and then never touch it again. And when I read through it I can imagine all of the places it could go but my fingers don’t take me there. Because I’m not good. And it makes me bitter because when I did write I had all these people telling me I was good and that they liked my writing. And there’s that voice in my brain: “they were lying to you. Of course they were lying to you. You always look like a lost puppy except not cute. You’re not good. They didn’t like your writing. They were lying to you.”

I think it’s probably Ana saying these things to me. Since I started seeing my body through my own eyes instead of hers she needed to evolve into something else.

And I don’t even know if I want to write at all anymore. But I know that I want to be someone. I want to be important. I don’t want to just be this worker drone never creating anything of importance.

But at the same time I just keep hoping that all of this will end soon. Because I can’t write. I don’t know what I want and I can’t find the motivation to figure out what I want. It’s easier for me to blindly do busy work at my job. And I think that’s also why I want to get that feeling back of being so wrapped up in creating something.

But every time, there she is.

I’m not good enough…


Where Did My Dreams Go?

I didn’t write a lot of posts last year, which makes scrolling back in time and seeing where I was really easy; less to catch up on. 

Something I noticed was how immediate it was that I gave up on my dreams after starting The Job (as it will now be known). During my interview for The Job one of the guys interviewing me asked what I got my degree in and I shyly told him Film and Video studies with a focus in screenwriting. Immediately he was interested and asked if I had plans to keep pursuing that because, he said, while it was important to get people to work in this position, he had seen too many go into it with dreams and then give up on them and stay forever. He didn’t want me to be one of those people. 

At the time, as evidenced by the blog posts around when I got the job and about a month into it, I believed it I really was going to keep pursuing film and writing. And then that all ended. 

I can pinpoint the exact day that I sold my soul to The Job and that the magic in my mind disappeared (June 11, 2016). My goal was to write something every day this month but my move has gotten me away from that. I have to move back home because working 60-80 hours a week is not sustainable but if I don’t work that much I don’t enough to survive as a party of 1 who only eats 1 meal a day (I will be forever bitter that as a grown adult I, and many, many, MANY others, do not make enough money to survive but apparently we’re “entitled” or some shit). Not that moving should take up so much time and energy but I had a panic attack after packing my bookshelf today if that tells you anything. I also have to get rid of all of my furniture and kitchenware. But that’s another story. 

The good news is that once the move is all done in a few weeks I’ll have the free time to write and not stress about money. The bad news is that I’m starting a new position at The Job (not a promotion, just switching departments) which means more training and more taking up my brain than I’d like, but less time interacting with the general public which will help my sanity immensely. Seriously, people out there are crazy. I don’t understand why but they’re just insane. And perhaps the less time I spend with the public the more brain power I will have to devote to creating worlds to escape to. 

Yeah, I write sci-fi/fantasy trash. It makes me feel better. One can only spend so much time in this crazy world where half of the American population wants to kill me and/or most of my friends. 

Anyway, I don’t know exactly where my dreams went but I hope to find them again soon, because otherwise life is depressing and, honestly, I am not here for it. 

Personal Goals for July 2017

All right, moving forward means I need to have a plan. Failing to plan is planning to fail they say. And I’m very good at failing to plan, which is odd because a much younger me used to plan out Christmas Day down to the minute. No lie, I wrote schedules and I put a lot of effort into them only to have them shot down as the day unfolded. Maybe that’s why I stopped planning things…

Number One: write SOMETHING every day. I doesn’t have to be for the book, although that it preferable, but it could also be a script for a video or a blog post. The important thing is I get back into the habit of writing. 

Number Two: Rejoin a gym. Let’s be honest, I liked myself a lot better when I had more muscle mass on me than less fat. Being skinny is overrated. I need to get back into lifting heavy shit. 

Number Three: Seriously try to cut back on sugar. It’s really bad for you and I have a serious addiction I need to kick. So, being more specific, only 1 cheat meal a week, and I mean it, me. Only 1. 

I think three is a good, small number, to ease me back into things. I have to take this seriously. If I ever want to be happy with what I do to pay for my food and entertainment and the small matter of a place to live then I need to put the work in now. 

Moving Forward 2017

I always feel the need to add the current year to the title because it is entirely possible for me to want to write a similar post, or at least use a similar title, in years ahead. 

After a bit of a breakdown two weeks ago at work after working 32 hours with only a 2 hour break in the middle I did a lot of soul searching. I’d been spending so much time thinking about where I was going romantically and who I was in terms of sexual attraction and gender identity/expression since getting divorced that I forgot all about my career aspirations. To be completely honest and fair with myself I had forgotten about them long before the divorce was even set into motion as that is what my current job will do to a person; kind of make them give up on other endeavors because it requires a ridiculous amount of one’s time and mental capacity. But after sacrificing my sleep (and sanity) to help out with a staffing shortage and then being yelled at for things completely beyond my control and just completely and utterly unappreciated I took a giant step back to look at where I was in life. 

Completely unhappy job wise. I couldn’t be happier being single and free to lounge about on the floor with my cat or get up and go anywhere on a whim without having to consult anyone but myself. But I don’t want to make my current job a career. It’s not hard to tell that my blog was more or less left to rot in cyberspace after I began working, as were all of my scripts and novels and filming projects. 

So, I have since picked up my iPad, flipped over its keyboard, and began working on a project I have been wanting to work on since I started this blog way back when it was knows as “Writing and Recovering”. I have begun vlogging again and making travel plans, video plans, book plans, and written out tag lines for future scripts. I have looked into getting my fitness certifications back and as soon as I get my personal training certification back I want to actually, finally, get a job as a trainer. 

Those were the things I wanted to do before I even graduated college. That was my plan, and it’s not really a bad plan, either. But being an adult is scary. All I ever knew for the majority of my life was school, so going out into the real world with actual jobs and finances and taxes was pertifying. Then the Actor and I split up which was a whole other roller coaster, and now that things are finally settling down I’m looking at places I kind of forgot existed. 

I have dedicated 2 years of hours in 1 year at my current job and I don’t have much to show for it except useless knowledge that no one outside of the work force understands. I don’t feel like I’m creating anything of value there. I’m not doing what I want to do. So, moving forward, I’m going to actually strive to do what I want to do with my life. I have to stick it out at this job for an undetermined amount of time while I work everything out, get my certifications back and work on my writing projects, and I would actually like to transfer to an office in California if a spot becomes available and I’ve saved up enough money. I’m tired of the Washington gloom. 

I’m young. I’m aware of that. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I’m also aware that I have the time to correct them, or at least move past them. I know I’ll make more mistakes in life. That’s inevitable, but I can’t keep making the mistake of putting myself into situations that are not what I want. I only get this one life. I need to do with it what I want to do. 

Not Spring Break

Pretty much all of my friends are posting on Facebook about how it is, or soon will be, Spring Break for them.

Not me.

I’m an adult now, so no Spring Break for me. Instead, I’m quitting my current job and starting a new one, and probably spending a bit more time outside because the weather is getting nicer, and maybe taking a weekend trip to somewhere, but most likely not.

Being an adult is weird. I don’t know if I was ready but it came anyway. I find myself working towards making enough to be able to live on my own and take a vacation (I just set that goal for myself so we can be extra financially stable), a cat mom, and still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

I have some idea. I have started a project, but not gotten very far with it. Honestly, I find myself in pretty cripplingly depression. I have very little interest in anything I used to enjoy, and just kind of find myself pushing through each day trying to find things to do. But that’s hard when nothing sounds like fun.

Honestly, I keep trying to not sound so pathetic on here, but I’ve typed up this post several times and just can’t make it stick, so here it is, sad and real. I’m gonna make some dinner and maybe go shopping cause I need more bananas, and maybe push through and really get started on this writing project. I know when I start and make some real headway with it I’ll probably feel pretty good about it, it’s just actually doing it that’s hard.

I need a vacation. If only I could afford one. Maybe I need to plan a really nice staycation for next week in those days between the end of my old job and the start of my new one… Any suggestions?


Have this picture of me and my adorable cat. She always cheers me up. She’s just too darn cute. She crawled underneath the covers this morning and curled up next to me for a few hours. Great way to wake up!

March On

Yeah, the title is a pun. I kinda hate myself…

The point is, however, that after everything that has been going on these past few weeks I’m getting to a better place. I have a bad habit of only seeing the bad in the moment and imaging the worst for the future. Something slightly goes wrong and I freak out. Clearly I’m a failure. Clearly I shouldn’t be allowed to live. I can’t do anything. I can’t see past that self deprecation and depression. I forget that it’s not the end of the world and that things will get better with time. Here I am, a few weeks later, and things are starting to get better.

I still have a ways to go, though. I’m still looking for a new job, but the Actor is starting to make money now, too which helps a lot with finances.

And now it’s a new month! 2016 has been off to a rough start but it looks like things are going to get better. I’ve been spending my weekends hiking and keeping my gym routine.


Deception Pass

Luna is doing much better and more talkative than ever.

Other than trying to find a new job my life isn’t that exciting. I spent today consolidating my entire movie collection into a binder and recycling all of the cases while binge watching The Fosters on Netflix. Now I’m debating dinner and catching up on my internet stuff.

I’ve been avoiding writing, though. The last time I really sat down and wrote I explored a part of my past I hadn’t touched in a long time and realized some things and ended up crying for about an hour. That was over a month ago. I just need to sit down and do it.

Ok, if by next Wednesday I haven’t written you all have permission to yell at me. I’ll write in my next Wednesday post whether I’ve done it or not.

Thinking Out Loud #27

1. It’s been too long since I did this thinking out loud thing…

2. Being an adult is hard.


3. But it has it’s perks, like taking impromptu road trips with my bestie and her dog where we slept in her car in a Walmart parking lot, drove to a beach, and got burgers and wine/cider before making the trek back home.

IMG_2865 IMG_2868

4. It also means I can just bring home a cat from the shelter whenever I feel like it, like this fluffy baby who is finally getting used to her new home and has quite a lot of energy.


I named her Luna, which was completely unintentional. She was named Moon and I decided Luna sounded nicer, then I remembered Luna Lovegood, and then I remembered the black cat from Sailor Moon is also named Luna so, ta-da. She’s my multi-fandom cat.

5. But, being an adult also means that you can’t just break down and cry while you’re working when a customer tells you that Alan Rickman has died. I knew his work in Sense and Sensibility, Love Actually, Galaxy Quest, Alice in Wonderland, Sweeney Todd, and of course Harry Potter. Since I watch Love Actually about 5 times every holiday season and marathon Harry Potter at least twice a year, and Galaxy Quest was a weird favorite of young Jade’s, I took the news fairly hard. Thanks, 2016, not even halfway into January and we love David Bowie and Alan Rickman. Rest in peace great ones.


6. On a lighter note, being an adult also means you have the freedom to chase your dreams. Which is why I work part time as a barista now, and the rest of the time I’m dedicating to blogging, vlogging, and writing my books. I’m 22. I am young but I can’t let that be an excuse to put off doing what I want. So expect more blogs, vlogs, road trips to fun places, and me probably living off of frozen fruits and veggies cause they’re cheap and I’m poor.

I think that’s where I’m gonna leave it today. Planning a vlog for tomorrow and a more thorough video introducing Luna to the internet. Later friends!