What I Learned from My Divorce

To begin, I’m no relationship expert. I’m a lesbian who has dated 2 men fairly seriously (one seriously enough to end up married to) and like one girl not really… It was interesting. But, that doesn’t mean I didn’t learn some valuable things from my divorce from the Actor. 

The biggest one has to be this: never let a person get in the way of your future. I don’t care how much you love them, at the end of the day your career can’t say they’re tired of you and leave. Sure you can get fired but your passion never leaves you. A person can. Going into my marriage I had this nagging feeling that I was going to end up taking care of everything and putting my dreams on the back burner so that the Actor could do what he wanted. It was a self fulfilling prophecy because you can guess what happened: I ended up working my long ass weeks and putting my writing aside so the Actor could try to go to auditions in Seattle. It only made me resent him more. If you find yourself, or think you’re going to find yourself, in a situation where you’re putting away your dreams and your future for another person LEAVE. No relationship is worth abandoning your goals. My challenge now will be finding someone I can be with while working on my goals. Maybe they even support me, that would be cool. 

Alongside not abandoning your goals for a person is don’t abandon yourself for a person. The Actor and I are still friends to this day. Our divorce was more than amicable. Just the other day he told me that looking back it almost looks like I was in drag with my long hair and sad attempts at makeup to fit into the cis hetero married housewife world I was trying to fit myself into. Since separating and getting divorced I have explored and accepted myself as the non-binary homosexual human that I am, and I love it. I cannot even begin to explain how free and happy I’ve felt since allowing myself to be authentically me. I couldn’t do that when I was married. I was playing housewife with my long brown hair and dresses. Right now I have several flannels and suspenders in my closet and am in the process of dying my hair orange. And it goes way beyond my appearance. Even though I am greatly enjoying the single life I have taken some time to flirt with the ladies. 

Relationships, marriage, and children are not the be all, end all goals of life. None of those things are for everyone. I knew when I was 14 that I didn’t want to have kids ever, and I’ve learned that a relationship doesn’t define who you are or your worth. Love is possibly one of the greatest things a human can do, but love comes in many different forms. Friendships, family, pets, not just a significant other. 

Long story short: don’t let a relationship define you, take away from who you are, or take away from your future. You and all of your dreams absolutely come first. 

Do I regret getting married? yes and no. I missed out on a lot in high school and college pretending to be perfect miss housewife who also was the breadwinner providing for the husband so he could chase his dream. There are a lot of experiences I missed and people who are only acquaintences who I feel I could have been deeper friends with had I had the time to develop those friendships instead of working and making sure our future was in order. But I also appreciate the lessons I learned from it. And in the end, I had an adventure, that’s what matters. 

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On My (lack of) a Love Life

I’ve posted about this a few times since getting divorced. It’s not that much seeing as I still don’t blog that often, but it’s still kind of embarrassing to me. Still, though, this is my blog and I can post whatever the fuck I want on it. 

I was with the Actor since I was a youngin’ in high school. I haven’t been single very long since then, about a year now almost. A year ago I was crying on my mom’s couch telling her “I think I’m going to get divorced” and she was great at holding back the I-told-you-so’s. And I have very much enjoyed my almost year alone. But I still miss the idea of having someone to be intimate with. I’m not talking sexually, though that is nice, but I mean someone you can show your entire self to and enjoy their entire self. That silly you you do in front of the mirror or when you’re home alone. It’s nice to share that with someone. Right now I just have my cat Luna who is more or less irritated by my true self and prefers it when I sit quietly and binge watch Netflix while drinking an entire bottle of wine or 6-pack of beer. I usually pass out and she has a warm, quiet place to sleep. Until I wake up. She’s furry and cute but we don’t exactly have the best conversations. 

“Are you hungry?” MEOW. “What did you do today?” MEOW. “Did you miss me?” JUST FEED ME!

Still, though, I’m not really up for actively pursuing anything at the moment. I’ve got plans for the next year that require absolute flexibility, and Luna is already enough of a challenge. I want to move out of state, preferrably to California though the low rent costs have me considering Las Vegas or the surrounding area right now. I want to quit my job and really pursue something I actually enjoy and that doesn’t turn my soul an even darker shade of black than I thought existed (customer service is a killer). 

But I haven’t given up yet on the idea of love, and maybe that’s foolish and naive of me, and maybe one day I’ll learn the hard truth but for now I’m happy believeing that maybe one day I can find someone I can be happy with and love until I breathe my last breath. 

I’ll be honest and say I would regret it if I died having never dated anyone after my ex husband, but, then again, I would be dead. What would I care? 

Maybe one day I’ll start a post with the cliche “I’ve met someone,” and maybe it’ll be several posts, or maybe just a few, or one. That’s the fun of life, though, I suppose, the adventure in all of the relationships you have with people. Right now I’m enjoying the relationship I have with myself, but I look forward to the day when I have one with a special someone else. 

Single for Life… Apparently

My divorce was finalized on April 25th. Officially I have been divorced only a handful of weeks. But we separated back in November. I finally proposed getting a divorce in August. I’d decided I wanted one in April of 2016. And our romance had probably ended a few weeks before that. So, if you really stretch it, I’ve been single for well over a year now.

I’ve signed up for dating sites and scrolled and swiped and put WAY too much effort into figuring out what to say in my profile to make me sound appealing when I’m about as appealing as a few days old pastry: maybe it looks pretty, but it’s really fucking hard and stale now.

So for a while I just deleted my profiles and went about life. Honestly, with all of the hours I was working I was in no position to date anyone. I dated the same guy for about 8 years, married him, then divorced him and realized that after all of that, what I’d known when I was 12 was still true today no matter how much I’d tried to suppress it: I am gay and how I EVER thought I was straight is so weird. But I guess in this situation I’m Carol and the Actor is Ross, except I don’t have a lesbian lover, nor am I pregnant.

Anyway.

For about a week i thought it was time for me to date again. “It’s been long enough” I thought, “I can totally do this.”

Back onto those websites and apps I went and you know what I found out? I’m terrified. I am absolutely terrified and I also have no fucking clue what I’m doing. How do you date? How do you even strike up a conversation with someone? And as a Libra I suck at flirting. I’m disastrous at it. Well, except for when I don’t mean to flirt. When I want to intentionally I have no clue how to do that. Nope.

Without getting too long winded with this, basically I have no clue what I’m doing because I dated and married a guy way back when I was a much younger youngin’ than I am now. So I am clueless as to how to go about dating women and am basically terrified. And it’s much easier for me to zone out while listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack and my cat scream at me from another room than it is to try and flirt with people I find cute. And flirting is just the beginning. I don’t even know what to do if the flirting goes well! 

So, single life forever… apparently. Because even if anything were to go right, I’m sure I’ll just fuck it up somehow anyway.

But everything is fine. Don’t worry… I really have no clue how to end this post so I’m gonna just stop typing.