What Are We Doing

I’m not an expert, this is just an anxiety driven rant:I think that my generation doesn’t have a single clue what to do with our lives. So many of us did exactly what our parents told us to do. We went to college, we got our degrees, and now we’re still working in sub par jobs if we’re even lucky enough to get a job while we drown in student debt. We can’t afford a house. We can’t afford cars. We can barely afford food. We share houses with several other roommates that we never see because we’re all always working. Our dreams that we dreamt up when our parents told us we could grow up to be anything are still dreams and it seems that is all they are ever going to be. The world we were promised by our parents doesn’t exist. 

But we’re all still working toward it because we have that tiny little glimmer of hope in our hearts that maybe one day we will reach that point in our life where we can have what we were told. 

That’s a lie. We’re all working obscene hours because we need to live and the cost of living is just as obscene. We can’t live on minimum wage. We can’t even live on slightly above minimum wage. I was making $3 over the Washington minimum wage ($3 below the Seattle wage despite working for a giant company in Seattle) and I was still working 80 weeks just to afford to live. I have 0 close friends because all I could do was work and maybe sleep sometimes. I lived at my job. I slept in my car more times than I care to admit. I have gone several days without showering because there wasn’t time in between shifts to go home and shower and sleep. I have lived on Americanos and black coffee from the break rooms because I couldn’t afford to buy food. 

I feel like we all felt this harsh reality looming a few years ago. I think that’s also why I got married when I did. It meant a more financially stable future assuming we both worked full time jobs. I know of several couples who have dated for very brief amounts of time and are getting married and buying a house after being together a year or less. Is that because we all think we still need to do that? That’s what our parents did. Is that what we need to do? Do we need to buy a house? Do we need to get married? It’s 2017. Marriage is a pretty outdated concept. 

I know I got married. I also got divorced. The hoops you have to jump through on both ends are ridiculous. I have spent more time in court houses than I would have liked to at this point in my life. Other than having the option to file taxes jointly and more easily see each other in the hospital I don’t see what the point of getting married is. The elaborateness of weddings has gotten out of control thanks to Pinterest and reality TV on TLC. I would have been happier with a small courthouse wedding, and seeing as I am now divorced that probably would have been the better way to go financially. 

None of us are prepared to take on the financial responsibility of a house. I am barely prepared to take on the financial responsibility of myself. 

I think those people I know that are getting married and buying a house so fast are doing it because that is all we know and we are scared of the future ahead of us. 

I don’t know what our future looks like. I don’t think we have to try and follow the path our ancestors followed. We don’t need to get married and buy a house and have kids. We can do whatever the fuck we want because nothing is real. We can pave our own path. We don’t have to fit into the mold our parents fit into or even tried to put us into. Whatever we end up doing, we need to make sure we are doing it for ourselves and our happiness and not someone else’s. 

Now when we’ll be able to do things for our happiness because we can finally afford to live, I don’t know, but I hope that day is soon. Or, you know, maybe the world can end so we don’t have to worry about it anymore. 

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Jade is Back

That’s such a weird thing to say, but as I was walking to my office yesterday after grabbing my obligatory cup of coffee I realized that I haven’t felt like myself in a long time. 

I’d like to believe part of this is because I keep modifying my physical appearance. I’ve been lifting weights religiously again and have gained back muscle mass a lot faster than I’d expected to.

But also I dyed my hair Saturday morning. 

It looks like my head is on fire and I am here for it. It was completely an accident and I’ll be uploading a vlog about the process (or lack thereof) later. One of my friends at work does hair and he came up to me seriously asking how I did it because it looks like I foiled it but I really just don’t know what I’m doing. 

And maybe it’s because I’m leaving my toxic job on Friday. I don’t know if I’ll like my new job, but it gets me out of customer service which is what I need right now. 

I lost a lot of myself when I started my current job with all the hours I was working and also with the divorce. I was this robot of sleep, work, work, maybe sleep, work, eat(?), work, sleep, work. But something about dyeing your hair and finding a workout routine that fits you that just makes you feel like yourself. 

Hair is just magical. Whenever I do something to it I feel like myself again. 

It’s good to be back. 

Where Did My Dreams Go?

I didn’t write a lot of posts last year, which makes scrolling back in time and seeing where I was really easy; less to catch up on. 

Something I noticed was how immediate it was that I gave up on my dreams after starting The Job (as it will now be known). During my interview for The Job one of the guys interviewing me asked what I got my degree in and I shyly told him Film and Video studies with a focus in screenwriting. Immediately he was interested and asked if I had plans to keep pursuing that because, he said, while it was important to get people to work in this position, he had seen too many go into it with dreams and then give up on them and stay forever. He didn’t want me to be one of those people. 

At the time, as evidenced by the blog posts around when I got the job and about a month into it, I believed it I really was going to keep pursuing film and writing. And then that all ended. 

I can pinpoint the exact day that I sold my soul to The Job and that the magic in my mind disappeared (June 11, 2016). My goal was to write something every day this month but my move has gotten me away from that. I have to move back home because working 60-80 hours a week is not sustainable but if I don’t work that much I don’t enough to survive as a party of 1 who only eats 1 meal a day (I will be forever bitter that as a grown adult I, and many, many, MANY others, do not make enough money to survive but apparently we’re “entitled” or some shit). Not that moving should take up so much time and energy but I had a panic attack after packing my bookshelf today if that tells you anything. I also have to get rid of all of my furniture and kitchenware. But that’s another story. 

The good news is that once the move is all done in a few weeks I’ll have the free time to write and not stress about money. The bad news is that I’m starting a new position at The Job (not a promotion, just switching departments) which means more training and more taking up my brain than I’d like, but less time interacting with the general public which will help my sanity immensely. Seriously, people out there are crazy. I don’t understand why but they’re just insane. And perhaps the less time I spend with the public the more brain power I will have to devote to creating worlds to escape to. 

Yeah, I write sci-fi/fantasy trash. It makes me feel better. One can only spend so much time in this crazy world where half of the American population wants to kill me and/or most of my friends. 

Anyway, I don’t know exactly where my dreams went but I hope to find them again soon, because otherwise life is depressing and, honestly, I am not here for it.