24 Lessons in 24 Years

My birthday is coming up, and I was going to make this into a video but I talk too much so I’m typing it out instead. Here are 24 things I have learned in life so far:

1. Self love is underrated. Seriously, love yourself. You are awesome. 

2. I am worth more than a number despite being constantly assigned one. Grades, age, school ID, work ID, telephone, customer number, rewards member ID, weight, etc. That’s a lot so it sounds like the logic is against me but fuck it.

3. The world is incredibly cruel.

4. Animal love is so pure. Your pets love you and they are angelic beings.

5. Don’t stay in a relationship after it’s run it’s course. If you don’t love the person anymore, do everyone a favor and leave no matter how painful. It’s even more painful to stay in it for all parties involved. 

6. Don’t stay in a relationship because you think the kids need both parents. It’s much harder on the kids to be in an environment where their parents dislike each other. Separate/divorce, figure out visiting schedules, and let your kids see both of you in a happier situation. Seriously. My life was greatly improved when my parents finally separated 6 years after they told me they were going to.

7. I can function way better on 0 sleep for 3 days than I thought. I also don’t appreciate that I’ve learned this fact. 

8. Despite being told for 18 years there is more to life than school.

9. Also college was 100% different than what all of my teachers told me. Professors cancelled class because they were sick or tired. One of them didn’t even care what way we used to cite our sources, just as long as it made sense. A lot of the times class was outside in a circle in the grass. Tests were way easier than I anticipated. High school lied to me.

10. Always be true to yourself. and I wish I learned this earlier than I did.

11. It is 100% ok to be yourself.

12. Some people wont appreciate you for being yourself and that’s ok.

13. Not everyone will like you

14. It’s not your job to make them like you.

15. Failure is inevitable. So fail at something you like.

16. Most people don’t know how to not take their bad day out on you. I learned this from spending WAY too much time in customer service. As a customer service worker part of your job description is to stand there and be berated and then help them anyway. Which is why I sucked at it. You yell at me and I am done helping you. Next customer please.

17. Cliques exist outside of the high school cafeteria 

18. Food does not fix everything

19. Alcohol might. (I’m joking… maybe)

20. Despite what your brain says you’re probably not the most disgusting human being alive.

21. It’s not fun to suffer alone (mental illness)

22. Water is magical

23. Dancing is incredibly freeing.

24. Someone out there loves you

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What Are We Doing

I’m not an expert, this is just an anxiety driven rant:I think that my generation doesn’t have a single clue what to do with our lives. So many of us did exactly what our parents told us to do. We went to college, we got our degrees, and now we’re still working in sub par jobs if we’re even lucky enough to get a job while we drown in student debt. We can’t afford a house. We can’t afford cars. We can barely afford food. We share houses with several other roommates that we never see because we’re all always working. Our dreams that we dreamt up when our parents told us we could grow up to be anything are still dreams and it seems that is all they are ever going to be. The world we were promised by our parents doesn’t exist. 

But we’re all still working toward it because we have that tiny little glimmer of hope in our hearts that maybe one day we will reach that point in our life where we can have what we were told. 

That’s a lie. We’re all working obscene hours because we need to live and the cost of living is just as obscene. We can’t live on minimum wage. We can’t even live on slightly above minimum wage. I was making $3 over the Washington minimum wage ($3 below the Seattle wage despite working for a giant company in Seattle) and I was still working 80 weeks just to afford to live. I have 0 close friends because all I could do was work and maybe sleep sometimes. I lived at my job. I slept in my car more times than I care to admit. I have gone several days without showering because there wasn’t time in between shifts to go home and shower and sleep. I have lived on Americanos and black coffee from the break rooms because I couldn’t afford to buy food. 

I feel like we all felt this harsh reality looming a few years ago. I think that’s also why I got married when I did. It meant a more financially stable future assuming we both worked full time jobs. I know of several couples who have dated for very brief amounts of time and are getting married and buying a house after being together a year or less. Is that because we all think we still need to do that? That’s what our parents did. Is that what we need to do? Do we need to buy a house? Do we need to get married? It’s 2017. Marriage is a pretty outdated concept. 

I know I got married. I also got divorced. The hoops you have to jump through on both ends are ridiculous. I have spent more time in court houses than I would have liked to at this point in my life. Other than having the option to file taxes jointly and more easily see each other in the hospital I don’t see what the point of getting married is. The elaborateness of weddings has gotten out of control thanks to Pinterest and reality TV on TLC. I would have been happier with a small courthouse wedding, and seeing as I am now divorced that probably would have been the better way to go financially. 

None of us are prepared to take on the financial responsibility of a house. I am barely prepared to take on the financial responsibility of myself. 

I think those people I know that are getting married and buying a house so fast are doing it because that is all we know and we are scared of the future ahead of us. 

I don’t know what our future looks like. I don’t think we have to try and follow the path our ancestors followed. We don’t need to get married and buy a house and have kids. We can do whatever the fuck we want because nothing is real. We can pave our own path. We don’t have to fit into the mold our parents fit into or even tried to put us into. Whatever we end up doing, we need to make sure we are doing it for ourselves and our happiness and not someone else’s. 

Now when we’ll be able to do things for our happiness because we can finally afford to live, I don’t know, but I hope that day is soon. Or, you know, maybe the world can end so we don’t have to worry about it anymore. 

What is Free Time

Ever since I started my current job just over a year ago I’ve watched my free time go out the window. Free time now is spent sleeping and trying to recover from my work week because I have to work over 40 hours every week due to financial necessity. When my ex and I moved back over to western Washington I calculated our budget on the assumption that we would both work 40 hour work weeks at minimum wage for Seattle because we lived so close and could easily get jobs there. I did not get a job in the area that paid that much and my ex didn’t get a job that gave him more than 10-15 hours/week for months so we were in a big financial bind. And now that it’s just me and my current job, although in the Seattle area, does not pay Seattle minimum wage I’ve been having to work 60-70 hour work weeks for the past year.

I actually made the decision to move back home with my mom when the lease is up on my apartment in 3 months so it’s just 3 more months of being overworked and then I can go back to having free time that isn’t spent sleeping and staring off into space because I can’t brain today.

But I was scrolling through my blog here today and remembering what it was like to be dedicated to this blog and I miss that dedication. I don’t know if I want to focus so much on this blog or my YouTube channel or what but I miss having the time to be focused on something other than work. I miss having the time to do that stuff. Now I do my side business as a wellness coach on my breaks at my current job during my 16 hour shifts and before I fall asleep at night and when I wake up in the morning, but rarely do I actually have a chunk of time to dedicate to it and I really want that chunk of time.

Today I’m in a daze. The weird thunder storms we had on Thursday made work a disaster so I was doing way more than usual and already tired from lack of sleep. I slept for 12 hours and still don’t have the energy to do very much.

And I know all I did here was complain, but I really am so much happier now than I was a year ago. And I am really looking forward to the future.

I Didn’t Sign Up for This

I’ve been working 40 hours a week since last week. I’ve never done that before, it’s been an adjustment. Especially since my schedule is 2pm-11pm and my bedtime is 10pm. So my blogging/vlogging schedule has been thrown off a lot. But the good news is that I picked up my last paycheck from my last job so I’m officially done with that noise.

When I was 12 my friends and I tried really hard to figure out a way we could get to Never Never Land so that we could never grow up. I think they were just playing but I was dead serious. But now here I am, working a full time adult job, raising a fur child, and overall just getting my life in order.

But then I think, this is it. I have my little crafts and my book that I’m working on, but those are small projects. I am 22 and have maybe 60 years left and I have to spend those 60 years working a full time job to pay bills that will never end? Money isn’t even real! None of this is real.

I’ve also gained 8 pounds since December, and I still stake my worth on my weight so I’m feeling freaking fantastic.

I’m not doing what I want to do with my life, I don’t want to work this job (hopefully I’ll be quitting in a few days for a better job, just waiting to hear back after the background check and drug screening. Since I don’t do any drugs or have committed any crimes I know I’m fine it’s just the waiting game), I don’t want to spend 40 hours a week sitting. I need to move. A lot. But I also don’t want to go back to food service.

In case this nonsensical post wasn’t enough of a giveaway, I’m freaking out. I don’t think I am qualified to be an adult. I didn’t ask to be an adult. How is this my life for the next 60-ish years?

I wrote a lot when I was a kid because it helped with my anxiety. Now I have even more anxiety and way less time to write. And the anxiety/depression mixture takes away any motivation I have to write because in my head I should be using free time to find a part time job to go on top of my full time one so that I can make enough money to pay all of my expenses and put a good amount away and have money to spend on food when I hang out with my best friend. And I need to have a few hours to work out so that I can lose those stupid 8 pounds.

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I want to be a child forever because I am a child but I can’t and it’s freaking me out.

Adult Level 4

Despite my total depressive funk, I have been pulling off this whole adulting thing rather well. 58503441

I’m not saying I’m enjoying it entirely, but it definitely is better than being a kid and not being able to do things. Still, I could do without the taxes and bills…

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But I’ve done some very adult things. I’ve gotten a good handle on my new job. I think I’m about ready to stop training soon, which means I’ll be able to accept tips which is very good because I am very poor. I bought a couch. I bought a car. I took my cat to the vet twice now and despite her respiratory infection, have managed to keep her alive for 2 full weeks.

And on top of all this I’m still going to the gym to get my Crush on every day, even the past few days when I had to go to work an hour after the gym opened. While I don’t recommend doing Mass Effect workouts in half the time you’re supposed to do them in, I did that three times and somehow have not died.

I don’t want to get optimistic without cause, but I think this week should go fairly smoothly. I’ve got a bit more of a solid sleeping schedule down so I can make it to my 5:30 AM shifts this week without completely dying. I’m getting the antibiotics for Luna. I’ve got my own car so I don’t have to negotiate with the Actor anymore about who gets to drive Captain Jack where (that’s the name of our first car).

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My depression and anxiety isn’t 100% in order. Whenever I get anxious I have the weird in between feeling of wanting/needing to do everything and then wanting/needing to do nothing at the same time because of depression. It’s not wanting to do something and then panicking about it. It’s great.

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But, Disney is always the remedy. Or New Girl. Or The Office. Basically I lay on my couch and binge watch a lot of stuff when I’m not doing adult things. So this weekend and today was me at adult level 4, but after that I’ll probably hover more around level 1 and level 2 unless another emergency arises.

I’ve been trying to plan more of a blogging and filming schedule and if I can kick my butt into gear tonight will hopefully get something planned out so I can stop blogging so sporadically. Maybe a schedule will help me push through the funk. Fake it till you make it, basically.

Thinking Out Loud #25

Thursdays are for thinking out loud! So that’s what I’m gonna do.

1. If you’ve never heard of Fresh Baked Disney you should check them out. I went 3 weeks without watching their videos and I finally got back into them this week and it just brings a little joy and magic to my day.

2. Now that classes have picked up and it’s been a few weeks the quarter is starting to feel normal and I’m getting used to a routine. Which means I’m finding all my free time.

3. Which might go out the window next weekend because I have 3 Pure Romance parties which means a lot of paperwork post parties.

4. But this weekend I have regular parties, and I am so glad that it is almost Friday.

5. I want to buy hoops for my nose sine the piercings have finally healed up and I can change the jewelry, but I also have to wait until I get paid, and then when I get paid again at the PR parties, and I also have to buy the rest of my Halloween costume.

6. The Actor and I are going as Marty McFly and Jennifer Parker because it’s 2015! I’m also dressing up on October 21st because that was the date he travelled to. I’ve been planning this for over a year.

7. My downstairs neighbors keep smoking and it keeps drifting into my apartment. I cannot wait to move out.

Those are my thoughts other than what I have to do today which is boring so I’ll spare you.

Thinking Out Loud #18: Stressed

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Finally, another thinking out loud post!

This week is gonna be a little different from the norm.

Because I am stressed out.

The world seems to be picking on me lately. My rent got raised even though I’ve been living in the same apartment for over two years. Our car is broken and it’s gonna cost upwards of $300 to totally fix it. My insurance decided not to pay for any of my OB/GYN appointment even though the Affordable Care Act mandates that they cover all of it. It’s going to be over 100 degrees for the next ten days, which means we have to use our AC, which means our electric bill will go up, and they already raised the rates. Plus, I have a little health thing going on that made me spend more money than I’d planned on. Plus my cell phone bill is really high this month because we just switched carriers and I guess they decided to charge us a lot more than we’d discussed. I can’t figure out the bill. It looks wonky.

On top of all this, I’m working a job for minimum wage with no benefits, no opportunities, and no incentive to actually work hard.

We’re trying to save up to move out of here at the end of the year because I will seriously (sorry to be so morbid) kill myself if I have to stay in this town any longer. But the world keeps throwing crap at us and making us spend money we don’t have.

It’s not even about budgeting, because we do, it’s just that it’s impossible for us to make enough money to survive comfortably. During the school year we’re only allowed to work 19 hours a week. We’re allowed to work up to 40 over the summer, but they don’t like it and don’t schedule anymore for 40 hours.

I am just tired of this. I’m tired of working for barely anything and still struggling. I’m tired of college. I’m tired of this job. I’m tired of this town. I’m tired of this life. I’m tired of trying for something I want and being told that no matter how hard I try it’s not going to happen. I have less than six months here, but they seem to stretch on for eternity. And the one trip we were going to take this year I don’t know if we even can now, and that was the one thing getting me through this year.

I’m sorry, I’m just really stressed out. Nothing is going right. I don’t even want to know what kind of bullshit the university is going to put me and the Actor through when we try to graduate in December.

That’s my thinking out loud for the week. I’m stressed out. Life is going wrong.

On the bright side, I’m getting trained to be a barista so I have more job opportunities when we do move, and I’m starting to learn Spanish and German, and my brain keeps throwing out Japanese when I try to translate stuff into the other two languages, so at least I’m kind of proficient in 3 languages other than English now.