What Are We Doing

I’m not an expert, this is just an anxiety driven rant:I think that my generation doesn’t have a single clue what to do with our lives. So many of us did exactly what our parents told us to do. We went to college, we got our degrees, and now we’re still working in sub par jobs if we’re even lucky enough to get a job while we drown in student debt. We can’t afford a house. We can’t afford cars. We can barely afford food. We share houses with several other roommates that we never see because we’re all always working. Our dreams that we dreamt up when our parents told us we could grow up to be anything are still dreams and it seems that is all they are ever going to be. The world we were promised by our parents doesn’t exist. 

But we’re all still working toward it because we have that tiny little glimmer of hope in our hearts that maybe one day we will reach that point in our life where we can have what we were told. 

That’s a lie. We’re all working obscene hours because we need to live and the cost of living is just as obscene. We can’t live on minimum wage. We can’t even live on slightly above minimum wage. I was making $3 over the Washington minimum wage ($3 below the Seattle wage despite working for a giant company in Seattle) and I was still working 80 weeks just to afford to live. I have 0 close friends because all I could do was work and maybe sleep sometimes. I lived at my job. I slept in my car more times than I care to admit. I have gone several days without showering because there wasn’t time in between shifts to go home and shower and sleep. I have lived on Americanos and black coffee from the break rooms because I couldn’t afford to buy food. 

I feel like we all felt this harsh reality looming a few years ago. I think that’s also why I got married when I did. It meant a more financially stable future assuming we both worked full time jobs. I know of several couples who have dated for very brief amounts of time and are getting married and buying a house after being together a year or less. Is that because we all think we still need to do that? That’s what our parents did. Is that what we need to do? Do we need to buy a house? Do we need to get married? It’s 2017. Marriage is a pretty outdated concept. 

I know I got married. I also got divorced. The hoops you have to jump through on both ends are ridiculous. I have spent more time in court houses than I would have liked to at this point in my life. Other than having the option to file taxes jointly and more easily see each other in the hospital I don’t see what the point of getting married is. The elaborateness of weddings has gotten out of control thanks to Pinterest and reality TV on TLC. I would have been happier with a small courthouse wedding, and seeing as I am now divorced that probably would have been the better way to go financially. 

None of us are prepared to take on the financial responsibility of a house. I am barely prepared to take on the financial responsibility of myself. 

I think those people I know that are getting married and buying a house so fast are doing it because that is all we know and we are scared of the future ahead of us. 

I don’t know what our future looks like. I don’t think we have to try and follow the path our ancestors followed. We don’t need to get married and buy a house and have kids. We can do whatever the fuck we want because nothing is real. We can pave our own path. We don’t have to fit into the mold our parents fit into or even tried to put us into. Whatever we end up doing, we need to make sure we are doing it for ourselves and our happiness and not someone else’s. 

Now when we’ll be able to do things for our happiness because we can finally afford to live, I don’t know, but I hope that day is soon. Or, you know, maybe the world can end so we don’t have to worry about it anymore. 

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What I Learned from My Divorce

To begin, I’m no relationship expert. I’m a lesbian who has dated 2 men fairly seriously (one seriously enough to end up married to) and like one girl not really… It was interesting. But, that doesn’t mean I didn’t learn some valuable things from my divorce from the Actor. 

The biggest one has to be this: never let a person get in the way of your future. I don’t care how much you love them, at the end of the day your career can’t say they’re tired of you and leave. Sure you can get fired but your passion never leaves you. A person can. Going into my marriage I had this nagging feeling that I was going to end up taking care of everything and putting my dreams on the back burner so that the Actor could do what he wanted. It was a self fulfilling prophecy because you can guess what happened: I ended up working my long ass weeks and putting my writing aside so the Actor could try to go to auditions in Seattle. It only made me resent him more. If you find yourself, or think you’re going to find yourself, in a situation where you’re putting away your dreams and your future for another person LEAVE. No relationship is worth abandoning your goals. My challenge now will be finding someone I can be with while working on my goals. Maybe they even support me, that would be cool. 

Alongside not abandoning your goals for a person is don’t abandon yourself for a person. The Actor and I are still friends to this day. Our divorce was more than amicable. Just the other day he told me that looking back it almost looks like I was in drag with my long hair and sad attempts at makeup to fit into the cis hetero married housewife world I was trying to fit myself into. Since separating and getting divorced I have explored and accepted myself as the non-binary homosexual human that I am, and I love it. I cannot even begin to explain how free and happy I’ve felt since allowing myself to be authentically me. I couldn’t do that when I was married. I was playing housewife with my long brown hair and dresses. Right now I have several flannels and suspenders in my closet and am in the process of dying my hair orange. And it goes way beyond my appearance. Even though I am greatly enjoying the single life I have taken some time to flirt with the ladies. 

Relationships, marriage, and children are not the be all, end all goals of life. None of those things are for everyone. I knew when I was 14 that I didn’t want to have kids ever, and I’ve learned that a relationship doesn’t define who you are or your worth. Love is possibly one of the greatest things a human can do, but love comes in many different forms. Friendships, family, pets, not just a significant other. 

Long story short: don’t let a relationship define you, take away from who you are, or take away from your future. You and all of your dreams absolutely come first. 

Do I regret getting married? yes and no. I missed out on a lot in high school and college pretending to be perfect miss housewife who also was the breadwinner providing for the husband so he could chase his dream. There are a lot of experiences I missed and people who are only acquaintences who I feel I could have been deeper friends with had I had the time to develop those friendships instead of working and making sure our future was in order. But I also appreciate the lessons I learned from it. And in the end, I had an adventure, that’s what matters. 

Change in Plans

It’s late as I write this. Or early? Midnight is more my lunch time now. I work graveyard at my job now so I’m usually up until 4 or 5 am. I’m currently on vacation though, so I’m debating on watching more J-Drama trash or going to bed and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Every now and then I like to look back at what I was doing this month a year ago, two years ago, etc., and I usually do that on my twitter or tumblr or on this blog and while I was doing that for February I realized I never really updated any of you on my blog on what’s going on in my life. I have been neglecting this outlet and I think I need to get back to it. It kind of kept me sane during my recovery and I’m needing a way to stay sane now.

In November the Actor and I split. I took a quick two day vacation and he moved in with his parents and I drew up the divorce papers. Now, almost 4 months later the separation is almost finally complete and the divorce is nearing finalization. I’ve spent my first two days on vacation packing up the things he’d left at my apartment and now have several large boxes sitting in my dining room waiting for him to pick up.

Don’t be sad. This split was 100% for the best. He was in love with someone else, I was not in love with him and quite frankly tired of pulling all the weight. I know I’d hinted at it a little bit in my posts, but I was always the one working, paying about 80% of the bills, keeping track of everything, and ensuring we had everything on the right track. And in all of that I lost myself.

What little bit of me that was emerging in high school disappeared after we got married. The high school boy I’d fallen in love with was gone. Or rather, he was still a boy when I needed him to be a man.

And of course, the cherry on top of all of this: I’m not even into men. The signs couldn’t have been plainer and I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to figure this out: why I spent 8 years with a man when I’m gay. But I’ve figured it out.

So, whatever I’d been planning for my future in the past was thrown out the window long ago and I honestly couldn’t be happier. Now I’m able to embrace myself fully and become myself and have no one else to worry about but myself. Well, myself and Luna, who has taken all of this extremely well. It’s such a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone else anymore. It’s nice knowing that the money I make and slave to make is mine and mine alone, and that I’m slaving for it for myself and not because I’m trying to support two people on one income.

I’m not entirely sure what my future holds right now. I’m comfortable in my job. I’ve got a few more months before I can move to a smaller place and save up some more money for more travels. Whatever happens from now on though, I know I can face it as myself and that I’m so much happier than I was even in 2013, or 2009.

2 Years Strong

Finals week is currently killing me, so here is a quick post recapping my second wedding anniversary yesterday.

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I got kind of dressed up. Last year I curled my hair, but I don’t have enough to curl this year!IMG_1665

Presents!IMG_1669

We drove to a nearby city that actually has places to eat, and we went to Olive Garden. IMG_1667

Delicious chocolate brownie cake thing. There was more icing fluff than brownie. 😦 IMG_1668On the drive back home.

We went out to the bars afterward, and there was an end of the year party we went to for a little bit before calling it a night. I had fun, it was a good night.

I had to work my normal shift early in the morning, and finals is just making me sleepy all the time. I was going to make cupcakes with oreos in the bottom, but I took a nap instead. I just have one script to turn in tomorrow that I might be able to turn in tonight, and then I’m done with the year.

It’s been a good year. No one died this year (my mom had a cardiac arrest two months into our first year of marriage) and we have grown and learned a lot. I’m excited to see what adventures future years bring.

I Belong to Me

On a similar strand from the last post, I’m going to talk today about my experience as being property as most women have been and still are treated. When I was younger and in school, and this might have more had to do with my incredible skill at being indecisive than the property thing, no one ever asked me what I wanted to do. I mean, my friends except for my best friends. They would always look to either the Actor or my best friends to say what I wanted to do. I learned to stick up for myself pretty quick after I realized this.

Then comes the topic of getting a father’s blessing for marriage. We didn’t. The Actor and I had discussed it beforehand, because let’s face it, we’d been together for 4 years by the time we got engaged. Marriage had come into conversation a fair amount of times. We decided that getting my father’s permission was unnecessary for a few reasons. One, I do/did not belong to my father. I am a person and people do not belong to anyone, so asking for his “permission” was unnecessary. Two, my father had made the decision to try and find new women and families to be a part of, thereby removing himself from ours. My brother and my mom can deny this fact all they want, but he made the decision to leave it on multiple occasions, and so I did not see any reason to ask his permission. If I “had” belonged to him before, I certainly didn’t once he’d made the decision to leave. We did however, ask for my mom’s blessing. I was her oldest child and only daughter. I had helped her through her separation as best as a 9-18 year old daughter could. We were very close, and so I thought that we should at least get her blessing. Not because I “belonged” to her, but because we had a very close relationship and me getting married would mean that our relationship was going to change slightly and I wanted her to be okay with that.

I think that in today’s progressive (well, unless the SCOTUS gets involved seeing as they just helped us regress a little with women’s reproductive rights) day and age that asking for a father’s permission is not really necessary anymore. Maybe you want to do it because it is tradition and that’s fine, but it most certainly isn’t required. You don’t need anyone’s permission to get married. Yes there are age restrictions and unfortunately not all states allow marriage between two people of the same sex yet, but we’re getting there.

As a person, especially as a woman, you do not belong to anyone. No one is in charge of telling you how to cut your hair or who to marry or what to do this weekend but you. You belong to no one but yourself. You and you alone are in charge of your life. If some insanity ever possesses me to have children in the future I know I’m not going to make them as for our permission or even our blessing to get married. If they want to dye their hair pink and shave half their head then I will help them with the razor and the dye box. If my son wants to wear a dress I will take him shopping for one. Just because I give birth to them does not make them mine. I will be in charge of their wellbeing until they are old enough to be in charge of that themselves, but that does not make them mine. My daughter will be free to be her own person and I will teach her that she belongs to herself and that no man (or woman) has any power over her and her life.

So to recap, I belong to me, you belong to you, no one can tell you how to live your life and if they try they better prepare for a world of hurt.

And happy Canada Day!

1 Year of Wedded Bliss

Not so blissful if you count the hospital scare, the car crash, the whole college thing, and the whole working and having bills to try to pay on minimum wage thing. But it was still nice to be married. Since our anniversary was the start of finals week there wasn’t much we could do. I got work off but still had a final and the Actor has a whole bunch tomorrow that he spent most of Monday preparing for, but we still went out for dinner and I made a cake.

Since the first anniversary is the paper anniversary I decided to kind of theme it like Paperman, the short they played before Wreck It Ralph.

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I gave him a roll of toilet paper as a joke.

 

 

 

 

Red velvet cake with cream cheese filling and frosting. I tried to copy the decorations from our wedding cake with icing.

Desserts from Olive Garden. They’re doing their 2 for $25 again so we got dessert basically for free. Can’t pass up a deal like that.

It’s been a good year. I kid when I say it hasn’t at the top. I mean it hasn’t been happily ever after fairy tale, but when is life ever like that? We look forward to another wonderful year. I can’t believe it’s already been an entire year already. A year ago I was… probably asleep in Walt Disney World after taking an almost 6 hour flight, and I would take that over getting up to go to work this morning. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings.

So Many Feels, and not the Good Kind

I’ve had to say that the past few days have been interesting. The weather is getting nicer and most of the snow is melted, but I wake up every morning to black ice I get to try to avoid on my walk to work. Emotionally things are not too fantastic, and I woke up with a weird neck/head issue. It’s like a stiff neck but it’s in my head and not the neck. It felt better during my workout which makes me think it’s all just muscular and so I’m not too worried about it. It’s just irritating.

I’ve gone to two “therapy” sessions so far. I say “therapy” because I’m in this thing called “Pathways” right now where grad students basically run a group of us through some meditation/mindfulness exercises and then we discuss what that was like, and they tell us to breathe and try to recognize when we’re stressed and how to deal with it. Cool, but I think I need a little more help than that. I normally handle stress really well, but a lot happened in the past year/year and a half that built up and I never really had an outlet for. They were also tough to deal with and I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about them.

  • graduating high school
  • going to college
  • worrying about student loans
  • planning my wedding
  • getting work
  • transferring to a new work location
  • learning new work stations
  • adjusting to college classes/expectations
  • doing college homework
  • finding an apartment
  • moving into that apartment while working and taking classes
  • worrying about how to pay all the bills on one part-time income
  • getting married
  • actually officially moving out of my mom’s house
  • being the only one working
  • my dad moving to Texas (I know I don’t really have a relationship with him, but I’m realizing that this did hit me because it just means that there is now never any chance of me ever having a relationship with my dad)
  • my mom almost dying and me having to put my newlywed life on hold to take care of her, her finances, my little brother, my cat, and my shit back home.
  • starting my second year at college and a new work shift
  • dealing with bills
  • dealing with the Actor being gone all the time for various acting things
  • dealing with the holidays
  • dealing with this quarter’s new super early work schedule
  • filing taxes for the first time ever, and then my uni messing up one of my forms and making me re-file.
  • the Actor going away for an entire week starting this Sunday for another acting thing

It’s a pretty long list, and mindfulness exercises can help, but I need a lot more than just that. I’ve got one more Pathways session on Tuesday with a follow up with my therapist after to discuss if I think I need more therapy. At some point they’ll have to refer me to someone in town and I’ll have to start all over, but I gotta make due with what I have.

I’ve been stretched pretty thin lately. I am loving my new workout routine and my new nutrition approach, but everything else is just so stressful. So much happened just since 2012, and getting married and being married is great, but I hardly ever get to see my husband. He’s in a radio show tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday. He’s been rehearsing for that every weeknight from 6-10, and then he works on the weekends from 12-8 and goes straight to filming for his web show. He stays up all night and sleeps late so when we’re both home he’s usually asleep or I have to go to work in the morning. Or he’s working on the web show, radio show, or scene he’s going to put on at this acting festival that he’s going to on Sunday. I just need a break. Thankfully I’ve got a three day weekend this weekend, and tomorrow’s work shift is usually pretty chill, except I think some group is coming in tomorrow. That’ll probably just be a quick rush, though, and it’s more likely that they’ll come for lunch instead of breakfast, so I’ll be off.

Luckily, though, I’ve been doing ok in terms of my ED. None of this has triggered anything. Perhaps that’s why I get anxiety attacks now and sick more often. I don’t have any other kind of outlet to let out of my stress.

I’ll probably spend the weekend/week watching How I Met Your Mother from the beginning, and rewatching all the Sherlock episodes, along with a plethora of Disney movies. That usually makes me feel better.