Change in Plans

It’s late as I write this. Or early? Midnight is more my lunch time now. I work graveyard at my job now so I’m usually up until 4 or 5 am. I’m currently on vacation though, so I’m debating on watching more J-Drama trash or going to bed and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Every now and then I like to look back at what I was doing this month a year ago, two years ago, etc., and I usually do that on my twitter or tumblr or on this blog and while I was doing that for February I realized I never really updated any of you on my blog on what’s going on in my life. I have been neglecting this outlet and I think I need to get back to it. It kind of kept me sane during my recovery and I’m needing a way to stay sane now.

In November the Actor and I split. I took a quick two day vacation and he moved in with his parents and I drew up the divorce papers. Now, almost 4 months later the separation is almost finally complete and the divorce is nearing finalization. I’ve spent my first two days on vacation packing up the things he’d left at my apartment and now have several large boxes sitting in my dining room waiting for him to pick up.

Don’t be sad. This split was 100% for the best. He was in love with someone else, I was not in love with him and quite frankly tired of pulling all the weight. I know I’d hinted at it a little bit in my posts, but I was always the one working, paying about 80% of the bills, keeping track of everything, and ensuring we had everything on the right track. And in all of that I lost myself.

What little bit of me that was emerging in high school disappeared after we got married. The high school boy I’d fallen in love with was gone. Or rather, he was still a boy when I needed him to be a man.

And of course, the cherry on top of all of this: I’m not even into men. The signs couldn’t have been plainer and I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to figure this out: why I spent 8 years with a man when I’m gay. But I’ve figured it out.

So, whatever I’d been planning for my future in the past was thrown out the window long ago and I honestly couldn’t be happier. Now I’m able to embrace myself fully and become myself and have no one else to worry about but myself. Well, myself and Luna, who has taken all of this extremely well. It’s such a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone else anymore. It’s nice knowing that the money I make and slave to make is mine and mine alone, and that I’m slaving for it for myself and not because I’m trying to support two people on one income.

I’m not entirely sure what my future holds right now. I’m comfortable in my job. I’ve got a few more months before I can move to a smaller place and save up some more money for more travels. Whatever happens from now on though, I know I can face it as myself and that I’m so much happier than I was even in 2013, or 2009.

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Updates on Me

The month is over already! I’ve been in station at my new job for a month. I sliced open my hand. Luna is doing much better on her inhaler. Life is reaching a point where I can relax and take care of things I need without worrying too much. The hand thing threw me for a loop but all is well.

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That picture is from about a week ago now. I got my stitches out today and they put steri strips over it because it wasn’t completely fused together. In a few days those will just fall off on their own and I should be good to go.

I had to put my workouts on hold, but I was able to finish Crush at Home again. I haven’t started it over because I found out that their new program is coming out on the 10th so I’ve been doing Zumba every day to keep active, plus I don’t have to grab anything or put pressure on my hand which is what I need for now.

My job is going well. It’s definitely a keeper so I don’t think I’ll need to start a hunt again soon. I think I just need to settle into my schedule and get my butt back into writing. That project I was excited about months ago was put way back on the back burner and I need to pick it up again.

I won’t pretend I’ve been super positive and happy this past week. It was stressful being allowed to go back to work after my hand and then other things have been crazy. But all in all things have been getting better and I’m making it through every day okay.

Being Positive

Lately I’ve been trying to be more positive in life. It’s hard because being a grown up is quite stressful and it doesn’t help when you throw a couple of disorders on top of that, but I am tired of using those as excuses to be a lump on my grey couch staring at my ceiling. Yes, sometimes it does get overwhelming, but I know that I am not going to get better or enjoy my life if I keep giving in. If I actively seek the positive and do things to make me feel better, I’ll feel better and also hopefully create a halo effect and make others around me feel better.

We don’t realize how much we can impact others around us. Smiles can turn days around. Kind words can make all the difference.

I don’t want to get too sappy here, but it’s true. It is so important to spread positivity and kindness. Life is not always the best. In fact, it usually sucks. Your alarm didn’t go off so you had to rush to work. Traffic was awful. A customer or your boss yelled at you. Your computer crashed and you lost an entire day’s worth of work. Then you got home and your favorite TV show took a break this week so you don’t get a new episode. You burned dinner. You couldn’t fall asleep. All these little things can make your entire day awful, but only if you let it. Like I said, those are little things. I definitely can have little things build up and then have one more happen and it feels like the entire world is crashing around me because it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Sometimes I just need to step back and remember the important things in life, or even just things that make me happy. Life is too short to spend it sad and angry or any other negative emotion. I know it’s not realistic to be happy all the time, but the more often we can be positive, the better we will be and the more we can enjoy our time in this life. I think positivity is like a muscle, you have to use it a lot to strengthen it so it can be used more often.

Does This Mean I’m an Adult?

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A few weeks ago I put in my 2 weeks at the coffee shop I was employed at because I had bitten the bullet and applied for a job at a call center that guarantees 40 hours/week and pays over minimum wage, but has an extremely high turnover rate and my job would have been getting yelled at all day over the phone by angry people. We’re poor, so it was my only option at the time.

Well, turns out that wasn’t true. I had also been applying for a job in the airlines and a week after telling the coffee shop I was leaving I got a media interview, and then on Tuesday I had 2 in person interviews.

And I got the job.

I got a full time, real, adult job that I’m going to love and can see myself doing for at least the next 5 years if not more. It’s going to allow me to pay my bills and maybe take a vacation or two, plus be able to work on my writing and YouTube channel without stressing about making enough money to do live. It’s got insurance and a retirement thingy and all that good stuff!

So maybe I’m finally a real adult now! Maybe. It’s still not my favorite thing in the world.

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I still have a few bills to pay for this month, just in time for next month’s bills. But, now that I’ve ventured into real adult land I can afford them and everything will be fine and nothing will be on fire behind me.

Well, maybe a few things. I haven’t mastered this stuff yet. I’ve just gone from drowning to dog paddling.

I spent Wednesday with the bestie and the Actor and yesterday in Portland, and today running errands (adult things) so that’s why I’m so behind on blogging, but I’m working on catching up! Just being able to afford everything is going to make it all a lot easier.

 

March On

Yeah, the title is a pun. I kinda hate myself…

The point is, however, that after everything that has been going on these past few weeks I’m getting to a better place. I have a bad habit of only seeing the bad in the moment and imaging the worst for the future. Something slightly goes wrong and I freak out. Clearly I’m a failure. Clearly I shouldn’t be allowed to live. I can’t do anything. I can’t see past that self deprecation and depression. I forget that it’s not the end of the world and that things will get better with time. Here I am, a few weeks later, and things are starting to get better.

I still have a ways to go, though. I’m still looking for a new job, but the Actor is starting to make money now, too which helps a lot with finances.

And now it’s a new month! 2016 has been off to a rough start but it looks like things are going to get better. I’ve been spending my weekends hiking and keeping my gym routine.

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Deception Pass

Luna is doing much better and more talkative than ever.

Other than trying to find a new job my life isn’t that exciting. I spent today consolidating my entire movie collection into a binder and recycling all of the cases while binge watching The Fosters on Netflix. Now I’m debating dinner and catching up on my internet stuff.

I’ve been avoiding writing, though. The last time I really sat down and wrote I explored a part of my past I hadn’t touched in a long time and realized some things and ended up crying for about an hour. That was over a month ago. I just need to sit down and do it.

Ok, if by next Wednesday I haven’t written you all have permission to yell at me. I’ll write in my next Wednesday post whether I’ve done it or not.

Fitness Matters

When I was gasping for breath this morning in the gym in between sets I had a thought:

Our ability to move our bodies is all that matters.

Well, not all that matters. The things that matter are good, perhaps loving, relationships with people and being able to move our bodies. That’s about it.

Because at the end of the day those desk jobs aren’t real. Money is something we made up. Jobs are things we made up. Sitting at a desk and crunching numbers isn’t real. Exchanging paper for food isn’t real.

When it comes down to it in the end, having our body be able to do what we want it to do is the most important thing. We can’t go to work if our bodies don’t work. We can’t hang out with friends and loved ones if we’re tired or unable to walk. We can’t do the things we enjoy if our body isn’t in good shape.

There are many things in life that make it worth living, for sure, but so many of those things are shut off to us when our bodies are in poor health and fitness levels. And I’m talking about all aspects. I’m talking about eating a clean diet, getting exercise, and taking care of mental health.

There is just so much to do in life, so much to see, so much to live for, it just doesn’t make sense to treat the vessel you’re going to do all that in poorly.