Personal Goals for July 2017

All right, moving forward means I need to have a plan. Failing to plan is planning to fail they say. And I’m very good at failing to plan, which is odd because a much younger me used to plan out Christmas Day down to the minute. No lie, I wrote schedules and I put a lot of effort into them only to have them shot down as the day unfolded. Maybe that’s why I stopped planning things…

Number One: write SOMETHING every day. I doesn’t have to be for the book, although that it preferable, but it could also be a script for a video or a blog post. The important thing is I get back into the habit of writing. 

Number Two: Rejoin a gym. Let’s be honest, I liked myself a lot better when I had more muscle mass on me than less fat. Being skinny is overrated. I need to get back into lifting heavy shit. 

Number Three: Seriously try to cut back on sugar. It’s really bad for you and I have a serious addiction I need to kick. So, being more specific, only 1 cheat meal a week, and I mean it, me. Only 1. 

I think three is a good, small number, to ease me back into things. I have to take this seriously. If I ever want to be happy with what I do to pay for my food and entertainment and the small matter of a place to live then I need to put the work in now. 


Evening Confessions

1.This was supposed to be up yesterday…

2. I’m actually kind of irritated I have a stupid paper diploma. I feel like it needs to be gold plated or something for the amount of money I wasted on it.


3. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life but I’m trying really hard to make it work.

4. After nearly 6 years in recovery I thought I was finally ready to write that book on my recovery because I want to help other people who are struggling with eating disorders but every time I work on it I end up crying because I have to go back to some very dark memories that I’ve purposely blocked. So I feel like a failure because this is something I’m extremely passionate about and I can’t do it.

5. I also feel like a failure because I’ve been working out and lifting seriously for a while but don’t have the body to show for it. I’m learning that some combination of genetics and the damage I did to my body when I was deep into my disorder has destroyed my body’s ability to lose weight effectively.

6. As much as I want to be some kind of fitness role model because I really want to inspire people to live a healthier lifestyle I can most likely never be the super buff Instagram model or oddly bubbly YouTube sensation, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to help.

7. When I’m not having heavy thoughts about my future what I want and my shortcomings I’m playing with my cat who is oddly talkative and definitely adorable.

IMG_2991 IMG_2994

8. I have more pictures of Luna on my phone than I do selfies.

9. On a more positive note I might have a very exciting new job. I won’t know for sure for a while, but I’m very excited and really hope that I get it.

Welcome to February


Congratulations! We have all survived a kind of dismal first month of 2016. It seems that the general consensus from everyone was that January was not good. We lost a lot of great people in January, and I personally have been having a hard time bouncing into this new adult thing.

However, I did keep up on my resolutions! I have actually moved away from losing weight right now. I am working on gaining mass and losing fat and I am doing it healthily. Every day I go tofeb the gym and lift for an hour, and 2-3 times a week I follow up with another 30-60 minutes of cardio. Spending 2 hours in the gym is actually really fun. Of course, I’ve bee
n religiously going to the gym for 4 years so it’s not hard for me to go in for that long every day.

Also, I have been working on going after what I want, but it is difficult because I’m honestly not 100% sure what that is. I’m still not on antidepressants, and I spend my days off from work running errands, looking for a second job, and lying on the couch binge watching Netflix. So, I guess my other resolution of being more positive hasn’t been working too well yet, but the important thing is that I’m still trying.

It’s time for a new month! Time to reevaluate goals and kick them into high gear. This is when it gets real. This is when you decide whether or not you are really worth it to chase what you decided you wanted back in January and go for it. It’s crunch time ladies and gents! Remember to eat clean, train hard, and strive to be better than who you were yesterday every day. I’ll be there pushing with you!



2016 Resolutions

I guess 6 days into 2016 I can write about my resolutions.

I’ve decided that my recovery doctors didn’t know shit. I knew that already. That’s why I stopped seeing them before I was actually discharged. That’s why I didn’t listen to my dietician who called me fat. And that’s why their weight goal is just as meaningless as everything else they ever told me.

I don’t need to be 110-120 pounds. I’m 5’2 (a few other doctors have told me I’m 5’3 so I don’t know who to believe). I don’t need to weigh that much.

So, resolution #1: lose weight

I’m joining everyone else in the world with that one.

Resolution #2: lose the weight healthily

So far I’ve lost 3 pounds since I last weighed myself in early December, so somehow I lost weight with the move and Christmas season. Since I am now unemployed I have the time to workout for multiple hours a day. On Monday I did both an hour of Pop Pilates and a Crush booty workout. I missed yesterday and today, but that’s my goal for the next few weeks: to do Crush and Pop Pilates at the same time.

I am obviously keeping active, the eating is a struggle. Being unemployed means no money for food so I can eat as much as I can afford, but not necessarily as much as I need. I’m hoping that can change soon, but the job hunt isn’t going too well. I can’t even remember most of the places I’ve applied to anymore.


Resolution #3: try to be more positive

I have control over my life. I have control over how I feel. Yes, my current situation isn’t ideal, but when I look at where I’ve been and where I could be it’s pretty good. And it’s not going to get better if I just mope around all the time. I need to make the choice daily to be positive; to be happy.

Resolution #4: chase my dreams

I’m done with college now. The rest of my life is stretched out in front of me. So I need to do what I want now. This is my life. I can do whatever I want with it, so I should do what I want with it.

I was asked on Christmas Day when I’m going to be having children. I’m 22. I just graduated college. Even if children were in my future, they sure as hell wouldn’t be happening any time soon. But since they are never happening, that means I can use every single year ahead of me for me. This sounds like I don’t have a deadline, so I’m making one. Starting this year and continuing every year after that I’m going to chase my dreams.

Maybe I’ll change my dreams a few times, and that’s ok. If I spend my life chasing my dreams and learning a bunch along the way I will die happy.

What is my current dream? Check back later and you’ll see. 😉

What are your resolutions for 2016?

I’ll Never Reach my Goal Weight

(this is a Thinking Out Loud post)

Every now and then I’ll see posts about people reaching their goal weight or just talking about reaching theirs, their journey, etc.

That’s great for those people. I am all for reaching your goal weight and celebrating it. Good for you!

But me? I will never reach my goal weight. And that’s okay, because my goal weight is dangerous.

My goal weight exists because of my eating disorder. My goal weight would put me dangerously under weight and jeopardize my health. I would have to lose about 30 pounds to get to my goal weight, and I’m already at a fairly low weight for my height.

It’s been a long time since I focused on my weight for my health goals. That was a huge part of my recovery; learning to let go of weight as a marker of health.

My goal weight got lower and lower as my eating disorder took over more and more of my life. It started as 105, then 100, then why not 90? Finally, 80 pounds. I got to 94 and then I was thrown into recovery. But that 80 is still up there in lights as my goal weight, sparkling, glowing, taunting me.

And it’s huge for me to be able to ignore that. But sometimes I think about how I’ll never have that reaching my goal weight moment and it makes me kind of sad. But then I remember that getting to that number would most likely involve me dying.

I’ll never reach my goal weight, and that’s okay. Because it’s just a number. It doesn’t mean anything about my health or my abilities. It just tells me how much gravity is affecting my mass on this planet.


2014 was an all right year overall. In terms of fitness, it was pretty amazing. I increased a lot of what I could lift, especially when it comes to my lower body, and I found a lot of new (to me) ways to exercise that I really enjoy. I’ve become a yoga-nut or yogi, whatever term you prefer, and I discovered how much I love Zumba. Dancing used to be my main source of exercise before I discovered Pilates and then dancing kind of got shelved for a couple years, so getting back into it was great. I also did some crazy things with my hair this year.

 Ok, so by “crazy” I guess I meant “a lot” because I mainly just cut it. I did attempt to dye it when it was long but that didnt go as planned. It was a fun experiment, but I can’t wait for my hair to be as long as it was at the end of last year. It’s nice not having to do anything with it, but I actually liked messing with my hair. The weather in my college town isn’t very good for long hair, though. Super dry climate, 30-40 mph winds almost daily = nightmare for mermaid hair.

I hope that 2015 will be a good year. It’s my last year at university. I hope I can survive and make it to 2016 when the real adventure begins: moving and being a real adult. My goals for the year are to continue my yoga practice, lift heavier, and dance more. Basically everything I’m already doing. I just want to continue it.

I am also going to spend 2015 taking a picture for every day of the year to make a kind of photo journal of the last year in college. I’ll post the pictures of the previous week every Sunday, so there should be 3 pictures this Sunday. It’ll be fun to look back at the end of 2015 and see everything that happened.

Tonight we are going out and bar hopping in the Seattle area and will try to watch the fireworks at the Space Needle. I’ve only ever seen them on TV so this will be fun!

Happy New Year!

What are your plans for New Year’s Eve?

What are your goals for 2015?