On My (lack of) a Love Life

I’ve posted about this a few times since getting divorced. It’s not that much seeing as I still don’t blog that often, but it’s still kind of embarrassing to me. Still, though, this is my blog and I can post whatever the fuck I want on it. 

I was with the Actor since I was a youngin’ in high school. I haven’t been single very long since then, about a year now almost. A year ago I was crying on my mom’s couch telling her “I think I’m going to get divorced” and she was great at holding back the I-told-you-so’s. And I have very much enjoyed my almost year alone. But I still miss the idea of having someone to be intimate with. I’m not talking sexually, though that is nice, but I mean someone you can show your entire self to and enjoy their entire self. That silly you you do in front of the mirror or when you’re home alone. It’s nice to share that with someone. Right now I just have my cat Luna who is more or less irritated by my true self and prefers it when I sit quietly and binge watch Netflix while drinking an entire bottle of wine or 6-pack of beer. I usually pass out and she has a warm, quiet place to sleep. Until I wake up. She’s furry and cute but we don’t exactly have the best conversations. 

“Are you hungry?” MEOW. “What did you do today?” MEOW. “Did you miss me?” JUST FEED ME!

Still, though, I’m not really up for actively pursuing anything at the moment. I’ve got plans for the next year that require absolute flexibility, and Luna is already enough of a challenge. I want to move out of state, preferrably to California though the low rent costs have me considering Las Vegas or the surrounding area right now. I want to quit my job and really pursue something I actually enjoy and that doesn’t turn my soul an even darker shade of black than I thought existed (customer service is a killer). 

But I haven’t given up yet on the idea of love, and maybe that’s foolish and naive of me, and maybe one day I’ll learn the hard truth but for now I’m happy believeing that maybe one day I can find someone I can be happy with and love until I breathe my last breath. 

I’ll be honest and say I would regret it if I died having never dated anyone after my ex husband, but, then again, I would be dead. What would I care? 

Maybe one day I’ll start a post with the cliche “I’ve met someone,” and maybe it’ll be several posts, or maybe just a few, or one. That’s the fun of life, though, I suppose, the adventure in all of the relationships you have with people. Right now I’m enjoying the relationship I have with myself, but I look forward to the day when I have one with a special someone else. 


Change in Plans

It’s late as I write this. Or early? Midnight is more my lunch time now. I work graveyard at my job now so I’m usually up until 4 or 5 am. I’m currently on vacation though, so I’m debating on watching more J-Drama trash or going to bed and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Every now and then I like to look back at what I was doing this month a year ago, two years ago, etc., and I usually do that on my twitter or tumblr or on this blog and while I was doing that for February I realized I never really updated any of you on my blog on what’s going on in my life. I have been neglecting this outlet and I think I need to get back to it. It kind of kept me sane during my recovery and I’m needing a way to stay sane now.

In November the Actor and I split. I took a quick two day vacation and he moved in with his parents and I drew up the divorce papers. Now, almost 4 months later the separation is almost finally complete and the divorce is nearing finalization. I’ve spent my first two days on vacation packing up the things he’d left at my apartment and now have several large boxes sitting in my dining room waiting for him to pick up.

Don’t be sad. This split was 100% for the best. He was in love with someone else, I was not in love with him and quite frankly tired of pulling all the weight. I know I’d hinted at it a little bit in my posts, but I was always the one working, paying about 80% of the bills, keeping track of everything, and ensuring we had everything on the right track. And in all of that I lost myself.

What little bit of me that was emerging in high school disappeared after we got married. The high school boy I’d fallen in love with was gone. Or rather, he was still a boy when I needed him to be a man.

And of course, the cherry on top of all of this: I’m not even into men. The signs couldn’t have been plainer and I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to figure this out: why I spent 8 years with a man when I’m gay. But I’ve figured it out.

So, whatever I’d been planning for my future in the past was thrown out the window long ago and I honestly couldn’t be happier. Now I’m able to embrace myself fully and become myself and have no one else to worry about but myself. Well, myself and Luna, who has taken all of this extremely well. It’s such a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone else anymore. It’s nice knowing that the money I make and slave to make is mine and mine alone, and that I’m slaving for it for myself and not because I’m trying to support two people on one income.

I’m not entirely sure what my future holds right now. I’m comfortable in my job. I’ve got a few more months before I can move to a smaller place and save up some more money for more travels. Whatever happens from now on though, I know I can face it as myself and that I’m so much happier than I was even in 2013, or 2009.


Today is International Day Against Homophobia, which I did not know existed until this morning, but was happy to find out that it did.


I do not care if you don’t like it. We are not asking you to like it. We are asking you to keep your dislike of it to yourself and let the LGBTQ community do whatever the fuck they want because they have been letting you do that for far too long. It is not “wrong” and it is not “a crime against nature” and it is not “a crime against god.” There is no child alive that would ask about homosexuals and be disgusted by the definition unless they have already been brainwashed into thinking it is bad. And maybe I’m sounding a little too harsh here, but the other side has been harsh, too. I do not care if you think marriage should be between a man and a woman only. Guess what? You don’t get to make that decision. You do not have the authority to deny happiness to thousands of people just because you think their relationships are “icky.”

I came out on here a little while ago as bisexual, and ever since I came out to the Actor and on here I have actually felt so much more free. I can be 100% who I am and I absolutely love it. I don’t have to hide anything or feel bad for feeling the way I do.


As a bisexual, I realize that there is a lot of biphobia and denial of bisexuality across both the hetero and homosexual communities. It blurs the lines between straight and gay. There is no longer a definitive line separating the two if we acknowledge that bisexuality is a thing, and I realize that can make people feel uncomfortable, but we all need to feel uncomfortable. That’s where progress happens. It is not okay to just refuse to accept it. It is not okay to bully or discriminate anyone in the LGBTQ community, not just bisexuals. It is not okay to hold signs on street corners telling us our sexuality is a sin. It is not okay to hold a sign on a street corner on Mother’s Day that says, “Thank your mom today for not being gay.” (x) I cannot stop those people from disliking it and thinking it is wrong, but it is not okay to push their close-minded views on us. I would like it if they could accept it, but if they cannot they need to keep their feelings about it to themselves.

Today is about erasing homophobia and giving people in the LGBTQ community the same rights as straight people. It’s about stopping the silence. It’s about giving us a voice. We are all people. We are all capable of love, and who we love doesn’t matter as long as we’re happy. I don’t care who you love. You don’t care who I love. But I do care that you are happy in your relationship and that you are able to marry, to have a job, to have a voice, to be able to walk down the street without fear. Love a man. Love a woman. Love anyone. Live. Love. Be happy. And be able to do all that without discrimination.

Day 10: Smells


Day 10: Favorite Holiday scent

That’s a really hard one. I love those scented pinecones, chocolate peppermint, sugar cookies, gingerbread, the smell of the cold crisp air outside hinting at the possibility of snow. All of those things, really. I don’t think I could pick a certain one.

I can’t believe it’s December 10th already. Yesterday marked 6 months until the wedding and also the first day that gay marriage was legal in Washington state. Our celebrant married one of the first couples at midnight. It was pretty exciting to hear about.

I’m leaving for the Disneyland Resort tomorrow where they’ll pump in more holidays scents for me to smell, and oranges on Soarin’.

What’s you favorite holiday smell?