Change in Plans

It’s late as I write this. Or early? Midnight is more my lunch time now. I work graveyard at my job now so I’m usually up until 4 or 5 am. I’m currently on vacation though, so I’m debating on watching more J-Drama trash or going to bed and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Every now and then I like to look back at what I was doing this month a year ago, two years ago, etc., and I usually do that on my twitter or tumblr or on this blog and while I was doing that for February I realized I never really updated any of you on my blog on what’s going on in my life. I have been neglecting this outlet and I think I need to get back to it. It kind of kept me sane during my recovery and I’m needing a way to stay sane now.

In November the Actor and I split. I took a quick two day vacation and he moved in with his parents and I drew up the divorce papers. Now, almost 4 months later the separation is almost finally complete and the divorce is nearing finalization. I’ve spent my first two days on vacation packing up the things he’d left at my apartment and now have several large boxes sitting in my dining room waiting for him to pick up.

Don’t be sad. This split was 100% for the best. He was in love with someone else, I was not in love with him and quite frankly tired of pulling all the weight. I know I’d hinted at it a little bit in my posts, but I was always the one working, paying about 80% of the bills, keeping track of everything, and ensuring we had everything on the right track. And in all of that I lost myself.

What little bit of me that was emerging in high school disappeared after we got married. The high school boy I’d fallen in love with was gone. Or rather, he was still a boy when I needed him to be a man.

And of course, the cherry on top of all of this: I’m not even into men. The signs couldn’t have been plainer and I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to figure this out: why I spent 8 years with a man when I’m gay. But I’ve figured it out.

So, whatever I’d been planning for my future in the past was thrown out the window long ago and I honestly couldn’t be happier. Now I’m able to embrace myself fully and become myself and have no one else to worry about but myself. Well, myself and Luna, who has taken all of this extremely well. It’s such a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone else anymore. It’s nice knowing that the money I make and slave to make is mine and mine alone, and that I’m slaving for it for myself and not because I’m trying to support two people on one income.

I’m not entirely sure what my future holds right now. I’m comfortable in my job. I’ve got a few more months before I can move to a smaller place and save up some more money for more travels. Whatever happens from now on though, I know I can face it as myself and that I’m so much happier than I was even in 2013, or 2009.

What Now?

(This is kind of a thinking out loud post)

I didn’t go out and celebrate last night. I saw the last play of the year at my university, went over to a friend’s and listened to them shout about the theater department, and then I walked home in the ice and snow and somehow only slipped once. I studied my Japanese until I was too tired to think and went to sleep.

But not before completely freaking out.

Buzzfeed had a thing on Snapchat about what our student loans could pay for. 353 day passes to Disneyland, a cruise around the world twice, etc. And here I am with a degree I don’t even know what to do with.

I realized the other day what I want to do with my life, but it’s not very lucrative, and I keep thinking I need to find something else I can be at least semi happy with while making a lot of money. And then I think, well, you have to chase your dreams. But I have to live, too.

My new apartment costs twice as much as the one I’m in now. For twice the size and extra amenities, yes, but it’s still money. I have to start paying off my student loans soon. My new job is only scheduling me for 16hrs/week currently and for some reason won’t accept that I’ve updated my availability to 24/7.

Someone asked me the other when I’m supposed to start applying for “real” jobs that pertain to my degree. I’m a film major. I’m basically screwed. But I would have been just as screwed if I kept my English major. At least I got to watch movies for homework instead of reading ridiculously old books.

My whole life has been me trying and giving up at things. The only things I ever succeeded in turned out to be life threatening.

I don’t know what I want. I mean, I do, but my anxiety right now has more power over me than my desire to reach my goals. I keep thinking I should get on meds, but I need money for that because my insurance is terrible, and I need a job for money.

I know what I want. I want to know what it’s like to be normal and not have mental disorders run absolutely everything you do.

Thinking Out Loud #7: Fitness Career

Thinking-Out-Loud2

Thursdays are for thinking out loud!

Honestly, the thoughts in my head right now are just the songs I’m working on for my Zumba mock class so I can try to get a job at the gym as an instructor.

Me a few months after getting certified, red faced after a run.

Me a few months after getting certified, red faced after a run.

Last quarter I had two mock sessions for personal training. I spent all of September-December of 2013 studying the body and exercise and all that good stuff. I got my personal training certification and was like, yes! This is what I want to do.

Turns out it wasn’t.

Thinking back on it now I think, “of course it wasn’t. Why on earth would I think it was?”

Thinking back on it now I realize that getting that certification was the last bit of family crap that was embedded into my brain. Growing up I wanted to write. “That’s nice as a hobby, but you need a real job,” they told me. “You could be a physical therapist or a personal trainer. They make a lot of money and you can work anywhere you want.” I always told myself that would never happen, but then you grow up and realize that you kind of need those stupid pieces of paper to live. And I realized I hated my college, I hated the town, and I just overall hate the state I live in. I had a scare this week that I might not graduate at the end of the year and I legit just said fuck it, I’ll drop out then. I cannot stay here anymore.

why would you crush this little girl's dreams??

why would you crush this little girl’s dreams??

So I decided being a personal trainer would be a good thing because I need money and I could make a lot of it.

But I don’t like doing it. I got into fitness by, first, dancing for hours in my childhood bedroom, making up choreography and learning the dances to Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, and a few others from watching their music videos on YouTube over and over again. Second, I watched Blogilates, and even though her videos are online, I fell in love with the community that group fitness creates.

So, of course, Zumba now sounds like the obvious choice for me. I really think this is it. I think I could teach Zumba for the rest of my life and really have fun and be happy. That’s what really matters. You do need money to live, but you need to find something you love doing to get that money. I don’t intend to waste my life in a job I hate.

Maybe I do have “Baila Esta Cumbia” by the wonderful Selena stuck in my head, but that’s a good thing because I’ve finally figured out what I want do with the fitness career part of my life. I’m still going to write, and maybe it will be a hobby, but I’m okay with that, because I’m going to have so much fun teaching Zumba and getting paid to work out. 

Close to rock bottom

Everything was so much easier when no one knew about Ana. Not even me. It was so much nicer and I was so much happier. Living in the illusion that I was almost perfect. Everything was so much easier when I didn’t know it was ok to be a person. When I didn’t know I had worth as a human being. When I didn’t know that I deserved to be heard. I didn’t despair before because I though I was living the life that I deserved.

Dont you ever just want to end the pain? Permanently? Wouldn’t that feel so great? Not feeling anymore.

Im a college student. I have debt waiting for me. But nothing else. No future. No career. I can ring up fast food. That’s all I’m good at. No matter where I apply I never even get an interview. And it was so much easier when I thought that was the way it was supposed to be.

Yes, I am asking for help. Because I am alone and I am scared and I don’t know what else to do. I turn 21 on Thursday. But I don’t know if I want to. Maybe this is a cry for attention but is that so wrong?

Can’t Repeat the Past?

First of all, The Great Gatsby was spectacular! I pre-ordered the soundtrack and guess what? The mail may have lost it. It says it was delivered but I got absolutely no mail today (I’m expecting a letter from my mom, too) so I was pretty upset. I’m gonna give it one more day before I give the post office an earful. A lot of people were upset about the soundtrack and costuming not being true to the 1920’s. Here’s my opinion: It’s not about the 1920’s. Certain elements are necessary to the story such as the Prohibition since that’s where Gatsby makes his money, but other than that it’s not about the 20’s. It is such a modern story. The only reason people are upset is because Fitzgerald wrote it in the 20’s so they think it has to be that way in every movie adaptation ever. Baz Luhrmann did a beautiful job. The music was also great. They did play “Rhapsody in Blue” which is one of my favorites, but other than that it was pretty modern which I think worked perfectly. Do you think we could get wrapped up in the excitement of the time with old Big Band/Swing music? I don’t think so. I didn’t get to see it in 3D, but even just seeing it in 2D the cinematography was beautiful. Seriously, best adaptation of that book ever. It was so true to the feel of it. If DiCaprio doesn’t win an award for his portrayal of Gatsby I think I may cry.

Onto the rest of my post. Sorry it’s so wordy.

I’m finishing up my Spring Quarter and my honors class this quarter was called “It’s About Time” and we discuss time. Where it came from, how we got to our calendar, day, hour, minute, second. It’s been crazy. This week we’re discussing time travel, which is just a bit of silliness really, but it’s fun. Today the question came up of if your older self came back in time to visit you and tell you not to do certain things, would you listen?

I’ve thought about this a lot before. Would I ask for help with my ED sooner? Would I say more things to my dad before he left? Would I try as hard to recover as I have? Would I have let friends drift? It’s actually kind of hard coming up with these questions to ask myself because I don’t really have any regrets. I wouldn’t change anything about my past. I like where I am today. I’m scared as hell of my future, but excited, too. I don’t know what I’m going to do after the wedding. After college. After that first job out of college. But that’s okay. All those things would come whether I was getting married now or not. Am I sad about my ED? I guess so, but could I have prevented it from happening? No. My life has progressed the way I’d like it to. Anything I wish for has to do with things that I cannot control.

I wish my paternal family didn’t hate me. I wish my dad cared about me. I can’t control that stuff, though, and that’s okay, because I’m doing all right the way things are right now. I’m generally happy, or at least content every day. I’m not too sad or angry for long periods of time. I’m doing quite well. So if some older me came to tell me not to do things I would probably ask for a lengthy explanation as to why not, and unless it ended up with someone I loved tragically dying, I don’t think I would listen to me. (that’s a funny sentence) I like the direction my life is moving in, and I don’t hate any of the decisions I’ve made in the past to get me here.

So I can’t repeat the past, and I don’t want to.

People Change

When I was a little girl I was told that I wouldn’t end up having the same friends I had in public school by the time I was off to college and all grown up. I didn’t want to believe it then. I wanted to be friends with everyone until we died. I used to joke about us being old ladies together. Now it seems that what I was told has come true. I still talk with people from high school, and I obviously have my ‘maids that I’m still fairly close with, but I’ve got my new friends here at college.

The Actor and I went to look at an apartment today, and we’re fairly sure we’re going to get it as long as no one beats us to it, but while we looked around, and started picturing living there I had to stop and think. When I was little I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I grew up. I bounced around from writer, to artist, to figure skater (yeah, sure), to marine biologist, to geologist, to actor, and finally back to writer. When I was little I couldn’t imagine my future. It just seemed to beyond me. Even in middle school and high school it was just too big and far away for me think about.

I probably hung with my best friend since the third grade every day until our sophomore year in high school. I couldn’t imagine my life without her; she was my best friend, and I was always so glad to have her in my life. In the past four years though we’ve drifted apart. She has her friends, her university, her new life, and I have mine. Thank goodness for Facebook or else we’d have no idea what the either was doing. Last time I checked she was going to become a teacher with a minor in theater arts. I’m a writing specialization major with a minor in theater, so I guess we’re still similar there. But I never imagined I’d be where I am now: engaged, in my major in college, having a job, talking more to my new friends than my old ones, pursuing health and fitness and striving to become a personal trainer.  

I’m almost a month away from the wedding. I’m almost done with my first year of college. I’m getting an apartment, and finalizing things with my summer job. I’ll see my old friend at the wedding and bridal shower assuming she can come, and I really hope that she can. We’re not close anymore. I haven’t seen her since winter break, and we hardly text, but a part of me refuses to let what I was told come true. No matter what I want to at least send Christmas cards to her, and everyone else. You know, those Christmas letters about how the family is doing? Meet up for lunch at random times, like whenever one of us is in town. I’m just introverted and terrible at being social.

We’ve all changed, and we’re still changing. We’re nearing parts in our twenties, and no doubt we’ll change a lot more in the next twenty or so years, but I want to see all those changes. I want us to change together, even if it’s in a small way.

Exhausted!

Yesterday was my “hell day” as Wednesdays will be from now on until March 7th when I will have no more Wednesdays for this quarter. I get up at 8 (after staying up until midnight or later because I had to watch Daily Show and Colbert), get dressed, go to breakfast, go to creative writing (which I am loving!), go to work and stand for 4 hours making meat pizzas, run to Ghosts and Fairies and sit for 100 minutes, go to dance, eat dinner, go to Commerce and Conquest and do interesting stuff for two hours, finally get back into my room at 8pm to shower and essentially collapse. I’m still recovering. Now that I’m sitting all relaxed in my chair I am ready to fall asleep but I still have things to do! Ah! At least I only have one class tomorrow and no work.

Speaking of work, I like having a job. I do, but only because it means that in a few weeks I will be getting a paycheck. I don’t mind making pizza and all that. It’s not bad. I know what I have to do, I would just rather not be doing it. I am even more motivated than before to work my ass off in the 3-4 fields I am interested in and make a weird income from all 4 places, but at least I will be having fun doing all of them. I almost got into a class that would give me my personal training certification but it was full before I could sign up. Maybe next quarter. It was cheaper than the online stuff, otherwise I would just forget about it. Creative writing is great. I am so glad to be in it and get to write and all that good stuff. I need to get back into photography. It’s cold here though and that makes me reluctant to go outside. Well, maybe tomorrow. It’s getting dark now. I can at least work on stuff for my Etsy store.

On top of being extra, extra motivated to get out of the job area that I am in, I don’t like having my job because I work from 10 to 2 and have class directly before and after my shift, leaving no time for lunch. I eat a Larabar as I run to my class and it feels exactly like it did when I was deepest into my disorder except this time it’s not a choice. I do not get a break and we are not allowed to get food from the café on our shift and I don’t have any time to stop and get any at the end of my shift. I tired eating a large breakfast, but there is nothing that will keep you full for 6-8 hours. On Tuesdays I can eat at 2, on Thursdays I can eat at 3, but on Mondays and Wednesdays I cannot eat until dinner time at 5. I am going to buy some bread over the weekend and pack sandwiches in my backpack in the morning. If my prof has a problem with me eating in class tough cookies (ooh… cookies…) because I need to eat. Especially because I spend 4 hours straight standing at work.

It just really bothers me that I am back here again and not even by choice. I didn’t even slip up, this is just how things happened to go for me and it’s really getting to me. By the time I get a chance to eat I don’t even want to. I don’t care for any food, even food I cannot get on campus. I just don’t want to eat. After my shift I’m just in this mindset where I’m all, “well, I haven’t eaten in 6 hours. I can probably go longer,” because I stopped feeling hungry two hours ago. So, hopefully the sandwiches and whatever else I buy to pack will help because I do not want to be back here again. At work today I started to get excited thinking I might be able to lose a lot of weight with all the work and lack of eating that I do.