Where Did My Dreams Go?

I didn’t write a lot of posts last year, which makes scrolling back in time and seeing where I was really easy; less to catch up on. 

Something I noticed was how immediate it was that I gave up on my dreams after starting The Job (as it will now be known). During my interview for The Job one of the guys interviewing me asked what I got my degree in and I shyly told him Film and Video studies with a focus in screenwriting. Immediately he was interested and asked if I had plans to keep pursuing that because, he said, while it was important to get people to work in this position, he had seen too many go into it with dreams and then give up on them and stay forever. He didn’t want me to be one of those people. 

At the time, as evidenced by the blog posts around when I got the job and about a month into it, I believed it I really was going to keep pursuing film and writing. And then that all ended. 

I can pinpoint the exact day that I sold my soul to The Job and that the magic in my mind disappeared (June 11, 2016). My goal was to write something every day this month but my move has gotten me away from that. I have to move back home because working 60-80 hours a week is not sustainable but if I don’t work that much I don’t enough to survive as a party of 1 who only eats 1 meal a day (I will be forever bitter that as a grown adult I, and many, many, MANY others, do not make enough money to survive but apparently we’re “entitled” or some shit). Not that moving should take up so much time and energy but I had a panic attack after packing my bookshelf today if that tells you anything. I also have to get rid of all of my furniture and kitchenware. But that’s another story. 

The good news is that once the move is all done in a few weeks I’ll have the free time to write and not stress about money. The bad news is that I’m starting a new position at The Job (not a promotion, just switching departments) which means more training and more taking up my brain than I’d like, but less time interacting with the general public which will help my sanity immensely. Seriously, people out there are crazy. I don’t understand why but they’re just insane. And perhaps the less time I spend with the public the more brain power I will have to devote to creating worlds to escape to. 

Yeah, I write sci-fi/fantasy trash. It makes me feel better. One can only spend so much time in this crazy world where half of the American population wants to kill me and/or most of my friends. 

Anyway, I don’t know exactly where my dreams went but I hope to find them again soon, because otherwise life is depressing and, honestly, I am not here for it. 


Welcome to February


Congratulations! We have all survived a kind of dismal first month of 2016. It seems that the general consensus from everyone was that January was not good. We lost a lot of great people in January, and I personally have been having a hard time bouncing into this new adult thing.

However, I did keep up on my resolutions! I have actually moved away from losing weight right now. I am working on gaining mass and losing fat and I am doing it healthily. Every day I go tofeb the gym and lift for an hour, and 2-3 times a week I follow up with another 30-60 minutes of cardio. Spending 2 hours in the gym is actually really fun. Of course, I’ve bee
n religiously going to the gym for 4 years so it’s not hard for me to go in for that long every day.

Also, I have been working on going after what I want, but it is difficult because I’m honestly not 100% sure what that is. I’m still not on antidepressants, and I spend my days off from work running errands, looking for a second job, and lying on the couch binge watching Netflix. So, I guess my other resolution of being more positive hasn’t been working too well yet, but the important thing is that I’m still trying.

It’s time for a new month! Time to reevaluate goals and kick them into high gear. This is when it gets real. This is when you decide whether or not you are really worth it to chase what you decided you wanted back in January and go for it. It’s crunch time ladies and gents! Remember to eat clean, train hard, and strive to be better than who you were yesterday every day. I’ll be there pushing with you!