On My (lack of) a Love Life

I’ve posted about this a few times since getting divorced. It’s not that much seeing as I still don’t blog that often, but it’s still kind of embarrassing to me. Still, though, this is my blog and I can post whatever the fuck I want on it. 

I was with the Actor since I was a youngin’ in high school. I haven’t been single very long since then, about a year now almost. A year ago I was crying on my mom’s couch telling her “I think I’m going to get divorced” and she was great at holding back the I-told-you-so’s. And I have very much enjoyed my almost year alone. But I still miss the idea of having someone to be intimate with. I’m not talking sexually, though that is nice, but I mean someone you can show your entire self to and enjoy their entire self. That silly you you do in front of the mirror or when you’re home alone. It’s nice to share that with someone. Right now I just have my cat Luna who is more or less irritated by my true self and prefers it when I sit quietly and binge watch Netflix while drinking an entire bottle of wine or 6-pack of beer. I usually pass out and she has a warm, quiet place to sleep. Until I wake up. She’s furry and cute but we don’t exactly have the best conversations. 

“Are you hungry?” MEOW. “What did you do today?” MEOW. “Did you miss me?” JUST FEED ME!

Still, though, I’m not really up for actively pursuing anything at the moment. I’ve got plans for the next year that require absolute flexibility, and Luna is already enough of a challenge. I want to move out of state, preferrably to California though the low rent costs have me considering Las Vegas or the surrounding area right now. I want to quit my job and really pursue something I actually enjoy and that doesn’t turn my soul an even darker shade of black than I thought existed (customer service is a killer). 

But I haven’t given up yet on the idea of love, and maybe that’s foolish and naive of me, and maybe one day I’ll learn the hard truth but for now I’m happy believeing that maybe one day I can find someone I can be happy with and love until I breathe my last breath. 

I’ll be honest and say I would regret it if I died having never dated anyone after my ex husband, but, then again, I would be dead. What would I care? 

Maybe one day I’ll start a post with the cliche “I’ve met someone,” and maybe it’ll be several posts, or maybe just a few, or one. That’s the fun of life, though, I suppose, the adventure in all of the relationships you have with people. Right now I’m enjoying the relationship I have with myself, but I look forward to the day when I have one with a special someone else. 

Single for Life… Apparently

My divorce was finalized on April 25th. Officially I have been divorced only a handful of weeks. But we separated back in November. I finally proposed getting a divorce in August. I’d decided I wanted one in April of 2016. And our romance had probably ended a few weeks before that. So, if you really stretch it, I’ve been single for well over a year now.

I’ve signed up for dating sites and scrolled and swiped and put WAY too much effort into figuring out what to say in my profile to make me sound appealing when I’m about as appealing as a few days old pastry: maybe it looks pretty, but it’s really fucking hard and stale now.

So for a while I just deleted my profiles and went about life. Honestly, with all of the hours I was working I was in no position to date anyone. I dated the same guy for about 8 years, married him, then divorced him and realized that after all of that, what I’d known when I was 12 was still true today no matter how much I’d tried to suppress it: I am gay and how I EVER thought I was straight is so weird. But I guess in this situation I’m Carol and the Actor is Ross, except I don’t have a lesbian lover, nor am I pregnant.

Anyway.

For about a week i thought it was time for me to date again. “It’s been long enough” I thought, “I can totally do this.”

Back onto those websites and apps I went and you know what I found out? I’m terrified. I am absolutely terrified and I also have no fucking clue what I’m doing. How do you date? How do you even strike up a conversation with someone? And as a Libra I suck at flirting. I’m disastrous at it. Well, except for when I don’t mean to flirt. When I want to intentionally I have no clue how to do that. Nope.

Without getting too long winded with this, basically I have no clue what I’m doing because I dated and married a guy way back when I was a much younger youngin’ than I am now. So I am clueless as to how to go about dating women and am basically terrified. And it’s much easier for me to zone out while listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack and my cat scream at me from another room than it is to try and flirt with people I find cute. And flirting is just the beginning. I don’t even know what to do if the flirting goes well! 

So, single life forever… apparently. Because even if anything were to go right, I’m sure I’ll just fuck it up somehow anyway.

But everything is fine. Don’t worry… I really have no clue how to end this post so I’m gonna just stop typing.

Change in Plans

It’s late as I write this. Or early? Midnight is more my lunch time now. I work graveyard at my job now so I’m usually up until 4 or 5 am. I’m currently on vacation though, so I’m debating on watching more J-Drama trash or going to bed and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Every now and then I like to look back at what I was doing this month a year ago, two years ago, etc., and I usually do that on my twitter or tumblr or on this blog and while I was doing that for February I realized I never really updated any of you on my blog on what’s going on in my life. I have been neglecting this outlet and I think I need to get back to it. It kind of kept me sane during my recovery and I’m needing a way to stay sane now.

In November the Actor and I split. I took a quick two day vacation and he moved in with his parents and I drew up the divorce papers. Now, almost 4 months later the separation is almost finally complete and the divorce is nearing finalization. I’ve spent my first two days on vacation packing up the things he’d left at my apartment and now have several large boxes sitting in my dining room waiting for him to pick up.

Don’t be sad. This split was 100% for the best. He was in love with someone else, I was not in love with him and quite frankly tired of pulling all the weight. I know I’d hinted at it a little bit in my posts, but I was always the one working, paying about 80% of the bills, keeping track of everything, and ensuring we had everything on the right track. And in all of that I lost myself.

What little bit of me that was emerging in high school disappeared after we got married. The high school boy I’d fallen in love with was gone. Or rather, he was still a boy when I needed him to be a man.

And of course, the cherry on top of all of this: I’m not even into men. The signs couldn’t have been plainer and I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to figure this out: why I spent 8 years with a man when I’m gay. But I’ve figured it out.

So, whatever I’d been planning for my future in the past was thrown out the window long ago and I honestly couldn’t be happier. Now I’m able to embrace myself fully and become myself and have no one else to worry about but myself. Well, myself and Luna, who has taken all of this extremely well. It’s such a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone else anymore. It’s nice knowing that the money I make and slave to make is mine and mine alone, and that I’m slaving for it for myself and not because I’m trying to support two people on one income.

I’m not entirely sure what my future holds right now. I’m comfortable in my job. I’ve got a few more months before I can move to a smaller place and save up some more money for more travels. Whatever happens from now on though, I know I can face it as myself and that I’m so much happier than I was even in 2013, or 2009.

Why I’m Reluctant to be Happy

The combination of therapy and getting off the Pill has left me in super positive moods pretty much all the time, and when I do get sad I know and have an easier time working through it since I’m not in pseudo-sad moods the rest of the time and can’t pinpoint what is making me sad now. But, and this has come up a few times in therapy now, I am reluctant to let myself be happy. I mean, I definitely love being happy, and I do allow myself to feel happy, but it’s not 100% accepted when I feel happy and there is some guilt associated with it. Part of it is I honestly do not think I deserve to be happy, and part of it is in the past me being happy usually has been a sign of things about to go wrong. So many times I would get really happy and excited for my future and better life when my mom would tell me she was finally divorcing my dad and we were going to move to her hometown of Helena, Montana I would go to her high school and become a cheerleader and be in the Vigilante Parade.

And then she would tell me that they aren’t going to get divorced and they would stay together because, “I needed a father.”

This happened 5 times.

I was getting very happy and content after marrying the Actor and my mom ended up in the hospital from a cardiac arrest and respiratory failure.

And just recently I was feeling very happy and confident about a presentation I had to do on Tuesday. I went up there and felt like I was doing a pretty good job for having a slacker freshman as a partner who was pretty terrified about having to speak in front of the class. I sat down afterward thinking that while we didn’t get an A we probably at least passed and I at least did a decent job of presenting. I felt great. I felt in the zone. I was happy. But today I got the feedback from it. We got a B+ which is great, but there was a specific note about me. I did not talk loudly or clearly most of the time. And I’m devastated, because I went up there and felt like I was doing great. I was excited. I wasn’t even anxious about it, and yet I did terribly. My partner who’s voice very clearly shook and she paused and “um”ed and all that had no note about her. Yeah, our PowerPoint sucked. I knew it would. But I spoke too quietly, too monotone which I didn’t even think I did, and not too clear. And the professors were in the first row so if they couldn’t hear me… That would explain why no one asked us any questions but every other presentation got two or three.

This, like every other past experience, tells me that I was wrong to be happy. It tells me that I very clearly misjudged the situation and should have been more anxious about it. It tells me that my being happy and confident caused me to fail. It tells me that being happy is not okay.

So now I just feel very lost. Very sad and very lost, because I want so much to be happy, but it just seems like I shouldn’t be. It seems like it isn’t okay and that bad things will happen if I’m happy and confident. And knowing that just upsets me more. Especially because I just took a test today that I felt very confident about and now I’m thinking I shouldn’t have done that and probably failed it. I just applied for a new job and felt great about it and now I’m thinking I probably won’t get hired just because I felt great about it. Am I supposed to go through life being anxious and afraid of everything? Because I don’t want to do that. I want to be relaxed, happy, and confident. I don’t want to feel that way every time I present something or turn something in. I don’t want to be anxious and have to think the worst every time I apply for a job, pitch a script, create a workout program for a client, etc.

So I don’t deserve to be happy. Because bad things happen when I’m happy. To me and to people I care about. It’s wrong for me to be happy, and I wish things were different, but they’re not and they never will be.

 

ps, this is apparently my 500th post. Yippie…

Bye Old Name, Bye Old Family

(check out and like the new facebook page at facebook.com/writingandrecovering)

This will be the last post I ever write about my father.

My name has officially changed from my father’s to my husband’s. It took me less than a month to get it all taken care of because I wanted it changed as quickly as possible. Not only because I wanted it to be my husband’s so that the world would know I was married to him, but also to get rid of my last tie with my father’s family.

I can never explain why they hate me because I don’t understand what I did to make them feel that way. My father was the one that cheated, he was the one that elected to leave us, and he’d done it all before with his first wife and his first son, and yet his parents think he can do no wrong and it’s all our fault. I invited them all to my wedding. They all declined. No card, no congratulations on the declined RSVP. Nothing. Just as my father chose not to be a part of my life, they chose to leave it as well. I got to see the wedding pictures today and just as I’d felt at the wedding, nothing was missing. No one was missing. Over a month after the wedding and I still don’t regret not having my father there. I’ve made my peace with him and his entire family not being a part of my life, and honestly I do not miss their presence at all. If I say anything about them that seems that way it’s only because I am confused why they can feel okay with not being in my life.

Now my father has left with his new girlfriend (who has kids and is leaving them) to move back in with his parents in Texas until they find their own place and jobs. That is the last I will ever have to see or hear of him. When I go to visit my mom on weekends I won’t have to worry about running into him anymore. I won’t have to hear any of his nonsense relayed from my brother. It’s kind of nice, but at the same time:

He left right before my brother’s birthday. He’s abandoning the only kid he has who still likes him. It’s ridiculous. But that is how he thinks, and I feel sorry for him for never knowing what it’s like to have a family. I feel terrible for my brother, but he’ll get over it and it will be good for him to not have that man be an influence anymore.

It’s a little strange for me, especially since he gave me this before he left:Photo0517

As a wedding present, he said. It’s probably also a birthday present and a Christmas present for the rest of my life, but it was very nice of him to get it for me. One final gesture, but when I thanked him for it he said, “Oh, yeah, do you think you’ll have a use for them?”

No, perhaps not.

So my name has changed, and he’s leaving. All of my ties with him and his family are gone. I hardly even have any physical traits that could trace me back to him.

(My mom is slowly getting better. Basically the electrical signal from her brain didn’t work right and caused her heart to just stop, but she’s off of the breathing tube they had her on and she is talking and eating again now.)