Single for Life… Apparently

My divorce was finalized on April 25th. Officially I have been divorced only a handful of weeks. But we separated back in November. I finally proposed getting a divorce in August. I’d decided I wanted one in April of 2016. And our romance had probably ended a few weeks before that. So, if you really stretch it, I’ve been single for well over a year now.

I’ve signed up for dating sites and scrolled and swiped and put WAY too much effort into figuring out what to say in my profile to make me sound appealing when I’m about as appealing as a few days old pastry: maybe it looks pretty, but it’s really fucking hard and stale now.

So for a while I just deleted my profiles and went about life. Honestly, with all of the hours I was working I was in no position to date anyone. I dated the same guy for about 8 years, married him, then divorced him and realized that after all of that, what I’d known when I was 12 was still true today no matter how much I’d tried to suppress it: I am gay and how I EVER thought I was straight is so weird. But I guess in this situation I’m Carol and the Actor is Ross, except I don’t have a lesbian lover, nor am I pregnant.

Anyway.

For about a week i thought it was time for me to date again. “It’s been long enough” I thought, “I can totally do this.”

Back onto those websites and apps I went and you know what I found out? I’m terrified. I am absolutely terrified and I also have no fucking clue what I’m doing. How do you date? How do you even strike up a conversation with someone? And as a Libra I suck at flirting. I’m disastrous at it. Well, except for when I don’t mean to flirt. When I want to intentionally I have no clue how to do that. Nope.

Without getting too long winded with this, basically I have no clue what I’m doing because I dated and married a guy way back when I was a much younger youngin’ than I am now. So I am clueless as to how to go about dating women and am basically terrified. And it’s much easier for me to zone out while listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack and my cat scream at me from another room than it is to try and flirt with people I find cute. And flirting is just the beginning. I don’t even know what to do if the flirting goes well! 

So, single life forever… apparently. Because even if anything were to go right, I’m sure I’ll just fuck it up somehow anyway.

But everything is fine. Don’t worry… I really have no clue how to end this post so I’m gonna just stop typing.

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