Change in Plans

It’s late as I write this. Or early? Midnight is more my lunch time now. I work graveyard at my job now so I’m usually up until 4 or 5 am. I’m currently on vacation though, so I’m debating on watching more J-Drama trash or going to bed and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Every now and then I like to look back at what I was doing this month a year ago, two years ago, etc., and I usually do that on my twitter or tumblr or on this blog and while I was doing that for February I realized I never really updated any of you on my blog on what’s going on in my life. I have been neglecting this outlet and I think I need to get back to it. It kind of kept me sane during my recovery and I’m needing a way to stay sane now.

In November the Actor and I split. I took a quick two day vacation and he moved in with his parents and I drew up the divorce papers. Now, almost 4 months later the separation is almost finally complete and the divorce is nearing finalization. I’ve spent my first two days on vacation packing up the things he’d left at my apartment and now have several large boxes sitting in my dining room waiting for him to pick up.

Don’t be sad. This split was 100% for the best. He was in love with someone else, I was not in love with him and quite frankly tired of pulling all the weight. I know I’d hinted at it a little bit in my posts, but I was always the one working, paying about 80% of the bills, keeping track of everything, and ensuring we had everything on the right track. And in all of that I lost myself.

What little bit of me that was emerging in high school disappeared after we got married. The high school boy I’d fallen in love with was gone. Or rather, he was still a boy when I needed him to be a man.

And of course, the cherry on top of all of this: I’m not even into men. The signs couldn’t have been plainer and I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to figure this out: why I spent 8 years with a man when I’m gay. But I’ve figured it out.

So, whatever I’d been planning for my future in the past was thrown out the window long ago and I honestly couldn’t be happier. Now I’m able to embrace myself fully and become myself and have no one else to worry about but myself. Well, myself and Luna, who has taken all of this extremely well. It’s such a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone else anymore. It’s nice knowing that the money I make and slave to make is mine and mine alone, and that I’m slaving for it for myself and not because I’m trying to support two people on one income.

I’m not entirely sure what my future holds right now. I’m comfortable in my job. I’ve got a few more months before I can move to a smaller place and save up some more money for more travels. Whatever happens from now on though, I know I can face it as myself and that I’m so much happier than I was even in 2013, or 2009.

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I Didn’t Sign Up for This

I’ve been working 40 hours a week since last week. I’ve never done that before, it’s been an adjustment. Especially since my schedule is 2pm-11pm and my bedtime is 10pm. So my blogging/vlogging schedule has been thrown off a lot. But the good news is that I picked up my last paycheck from my last job so I’m officially done with that noise.

When I was 12 my friends and I tried really hard to figure out a way we could get to Never Never Land so that we could never grow up. I think they were just playing but I was dead serious. But now here I am, working a full time adult job, raising a fur child, and overall just getting my life in order.

But then I think, this is it. I have my little crafts and my book that I’m working on, but those are small projects. I am 22 and have maybe 60 years left and I have to spend those 60 years working a full time job to pay bills that will never end? Money isn’t even real! None of this is real.

I’ve also gained 8 pounds since December, and I still stake my worth on my weight so I’m feeling freaking fantastic.

I’m not doing what I want to do with my life, I don’t want to work this job (hopefully I’ll be quitting in a few days for a better job, just waiting to hear back after the background check and drug screening. Since I don’t do any drugs or have committed any crimes I know I’m fine it’s just the waiting game), I don’t want to spend 40 hours a week sitting. I need to move. A lot. But I also don’t want to go back to food service.

In case this nonsensical post wasn’t enough of a giveaway, I’m freaking out. I don’t think I am qualified to be an adult. I didn’t ask to be an adult. How is this my life for the next 60-ish years?

I wrote a lot when I was a kid because it helped with my anxiety. Now I have even more anxiety and way less time to write. And the anxiety/depression mixture takes away any motivation I have to write because in my head I should be using free time to find a part time job to go on top of my full time one so that I can make enough money to pay all of my expenses and put a good amount away and have money to spend on food when I hang out with my best friend. And I need to have a few hours to work out so that I can lose those stupid 8 pounds.

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I want to be a child forever because I am a child but I can’t and it’s freaking me out.

Thinking Out Loud #27

1. It’s been too long since I did this thinking out loud thing…

2. Being an adult is hard.

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3. But it has it’s perks, like taking impromptu road trips with my bestie and her dog where we slept in her car in a Walmart parking lot, drove to a beach, and got burgers and wine/cider before making the trek back home.

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4. It also means I can just bring home a cat from the shelter whenever I feel like it, like this fluffy baby who is finally getting used to her new home and has quite a lot of energy.

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I named her Luna, which was completely unintentional. She was named Moon and I decided Luna sounded nicer, then I remembered Luna Lovegood, and then I remembered the black cat from Sailor Moon is also named Luna so, ta-da. She’s my multi-fandom cat.

5. But, being an adult also means that you can’t just break down and cry while you’re working when a customer tells you that Alan Rickman has died. I knew his work in Sense and Sensibility, Love Actually, Galaxy Quest, Alice in Wonderland, Sweeney Todd, and of course Harry Potter. Since I watch Love Actually about 5 times every holiday season and marathon Harry Potter at least twice a year, and Galaxy Quest was a weird favorite of young Jade’s, I took the news fairly hard. Thanks, 2016, not even halfway into January and we love David Bowie and Alan Rickman. Rest in peace great ones.

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6. On a lighter note, being an adult also means you have the freedom to chase your dreams. Which is why I work part time as a barista now, and the rest of the time I’m dedicating to blogging, vlogging, and writing my books. I’m 22. I am young but I can’t let that be an excuse to put off doing what I want. So expect more blogs, vlogs, road trips to fun places, and me probably living off of frozen fruits and veggies cause they’re cheap and I’m poor.

I think that’s where I’m gonna leave it today. Planning a vlog for tomorrow and a more thorough video introducing Luna to the internet. Later friends!