Summer Goals

I have a weird theory about my fitness practices. When I was in college I was taking a full course load and working 19 hours a week. That’s it. And a full course load for a film student meant watching a few movies a week and writing about them, two of my favorite things to do (yes, I’m weird and like to write, not good I admit, analytical papers on film and novels). So I wasn’t that stressed out.

At least, not as stressed out as adult me was about to become.

Now I work 40-70 hours/week in an extremely high stress, fast paced environment and have a cat daughter at home who is on 3 medications for various illnesses.

Back in college I would work out 2-3 hours a day no problem. Lifting weights, high-intensity interval cardio, Zumba, and 45 minutes of yoga. I liked the wide varieties of workouts and the fast paced ones especially.

Now, however, not so much. Even just 20 minutes of interval training gives me anxiety. So I recently switched over to solely doing yoga and let me tell you I am loving it.

I’m also only 3 days in and hindered because I was selling my dining room table yesterday and had to carry it down 3 flights of stairs by myself, and in the process either strained or sprained my back. Either way it hurts like hell and I can barely bend over when I am used to being able to place my hands flat on the floor. But by staying active, lots of ibuprofen, heat, and the healing power of yoga I’m sure I’ll be good as new in no time.

Which brings me to the point of my post. My health goals for the summer are to practice yoga for at least an hour daily, and really listen to my body and what it needs. For the next few weeks that’ll probably be more restorative yoga than strengthening for my back, but I’m excited to heal and get into the really yummy stuff like arm balances and also balancing out my mind. I also want to focus more on eating a super clean diet, which won’t be too difficult because I’ve been doing it for about a week now and already my body rejects junk food. I decided to celebrate yesterday being my (un)anniversary and bought a mocha and sweet bread which my body promptly rejected.

I am excited to see where I am at the end of the summer! At the very least maybe my back won’t hurt anymore 😉

 

Single for Life… Apparently

My divorce was finalized on April 25th. Officially I have been divorced only a handful of weeks. But we separated back in November. I finally proposed getting a divorce in August. I’d decided I wanted one in April of 2016. And our romance had probably ended a few weeks before that. So, if you really stretch it, I’ve been single for well over a year now.

I’ve signed up for dating sites and scrolled and swiped and put WAY too much effort into figuring out what to say in my profile to make me sound appealing when I’m about as appealing as a few days old pastry: maybe it looks pretty, but it’s really fucking hard and stale now.

So for a while I just deleted my profiles and went about life. Honestly, with all of the hours I was working I was in no position to date anyone. I dated the same guy for about 8 years, married him, then divorced him and realized that after all of that, what I’d known when I was 12 was still true today no matter how much I’d tried to suppress it: I am gay and how I EVER thought I was straight is so weird. But I guess in this situation I’m Carol and the Actor is Ross, except I don’t have a lesbian lover, nor am I pregnant.

Anyway.

For about a week i thought it was time for me to date again. “It’s been long enough” I thought, “I can totally do this.”

Back onto those websites and apps I went and you know what I found out? I’m terrified. I am absolutely terrified and I also have no fucking clue what I’m doing. How do you date? How do you even strike up a conversation with someone? And as a Libra I suck at flirting. I’m disastrous at it. Well, except for when I don’t mean to flirt. When I want to intentionally I have no clue how to do that. Nope.

Without getting too long winded with this, basically I have no clue what I’m doing because I dated and married a guy way back when I was a much younger youngin’ than I am now. So I am clueless as to how to go about dating women and am basically terrified. And it’s much easier for me to zone out while listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack and my cat scream at me from another room than it is to try and flirt with people I find cute. And flirting is just the beginning. I don’t even know what to do if the flirting goes well! 

So, single life forever… apparently. Because even if anything were to go right, I’m sure I’ll just fuck it up somehow anyway.

But everything is fine. Don’t worry… I really have no clue how to end this post so I’m gonna just stop typing.

IUD Diva no More

3 years ago I posted this about switching from the pill to an IUD and my experience with the insertion.

Well, today I got it removed. The IUD I had inserted in 2014 was called the Skyla, an IUD specifically designed for women who have never had children, therefore smaller, with less hormones, and less time to leave it in; it’s only good for 3 years.

The process was exceedingly simple. My sleepy mind, however, made it a little difficult.

Some context: I work the graveyard shift at work so I’m not home and in bed going to sleep until around 0430-0500. My appointment was at 0930, which meant I only got a few hours of sleep. And I also never go to the doctor so I don’t know how that all works. I checked in, paid what I think was my copay (they asked if I had one, I said I think so, they asked how much, and I said a number that sounded right). Then I walked into the OB/GYN area and the two receptionist ladies were busy so I just sat down. After a minute one of them asked me suddenly if I had an appointment, the hidden context being if I didn’t I needed to GTFO and why hadn’t I checked in with them when I walked in.

I don’t have the time or the money to get a certified copy of my divorce decree-thing so for the time being I still have my ex’s last name, which prompted the receptionist lady to ask me if I had any relation to my ex-mother-in-law. But, stupid tired me didn’t even realize who that was when they said her name. My brain just went, “all of your relatives are in Montana or north Seattle so no one down here knows who you are” and I said “NO” quite certainly and didn’t even put it together until I was in my little exam room.

Other than my mental embarrassment that no one knows about but me and now the entire internet, the removal took half the time the insertion took. And honestly the most painful part were the speculums. She grabbed the strings, pulled quick like ripping off a bandaid and it was done. I felt nothing. I had the tiniest cramps immediately after for maybe 20 seconds and it was done.

And now I’m currently on nothing. I want to see how my body functions hormone-free. And since I don’t plan on having any male partners for the rest of my life, pregnancy isn’t a concern, which is something they had a really hard time understanding and really made sure to drive the point home that I now am, in fact, fertile.

Will I ever get one again? I might. I get really bad periods, or I used to. In the last 3 years I had maybe 4 periods total that were barely anything. If I get my pass-out painful periods again I’ll have to go back on Skyla (assuming women can still obtain birth control in a few months but that’s another story), but if not I think I’m good letting my body be and taking ibuprofen if I need to. I really recommend it, though. If you’re thinking of getting one don’t be scared by all of the horror stories. I had the best experience on mine and won’t be upset if I have to get a second one.

What is Free Time

Ever since I started my current job just over a year ago I’ve watched my free time go out the window. Free time now is spent sleeping and trying to recover from my work week because I have to work over 40 hours every week due to financial necessity. When my ex and I moved back over to western Washington I calculated our budget on the assumption that we would both work 40 hour work weeks at minimum wage for Seattle because we lived so close and could easily get jobs there. I did not get a job in the area that paid that much and my ex didn’t get a job that gave him more than 10-15 hours/week for months so we were in a big financial bind. And now that it’s just me and my current job, although in the Seattle area, does not pay Seattle minimum wage I’ve been having to work 60-70 hour work weeks for the past year.

I actually made the decision to move back home with my mom when the lease is up on my apartment in 3 months so it’s just 3 more months of being overworked and then I can go back to having free time that isn’t spent sleeping and staring off into space because I can’t brain today.

But I was scrolling through my blog here today and remembering what it was like to be dedicated to this blog and I miss that dedication. I don’t know if I want to focus so much on this blog or my YouTube channel or what but I miss having the time to be focused on something other than work. I miss having the time to do that stuff. Now I do my side business as a wellness coach on my breaks at my current job during my 16 hour shifts and before I fall asleep at night and when I wake up in the morning, but rarely do I actually have a chunk of time to dedicate to it and I really want that chunk of time.

Today I’m in a daze. The weird thunder storms we had on Thursday made work a disaster so I was doing way more than usual and already tired from lack of sleep. I slept for 12 hours and still don’t have the energy to do very much.

And I know all I did here was complain, but I really am so much happier now than I was a year ago. And I am really looking forward to the future.

Change in Plans

It’s late as I write this. Or early? Midnight is more my lunch time now. I work graveyard at my job now so I’m usually up until 4 or 5 am. I’m currently on vacation though, so I’m debating on watching more J-Drama trash or going to bed and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Every now and then I like to look back at what I was doing this month a year ago, two years ago, etc., and I usually do that on my twitter or tumblr or on this blog and while I was doing that for February I realized I never really updated any of you on my blog on what’s going on in my life. I have been neglecting this outlet and I think I need to get back to it. It kind of kept me sane during my recovery and I’m needing a way to stay sane now.

In November the Actor and I split. I took a quick two day vacation and he moved in with his parents and I drew up the divorce papers. Now, almost 4 months later the separation is almost finally complete and the divorce is nearing finalization. I’ve spent my first two days on vacation packing up the things he’d left at my apartment and now have several large boxes sitting in my dining room waiting for him to pick up.

Don’t be sad. This split was 100% for the best. He was in love with someone else, I was not in love with him and quite frankly tired of pulling all the weight. I know I’d hinted at it a little bit in my posts, but I was always the one working, paying about 80% of the bills, keeping track of everything, and ensuring we had everything on the right track. And in all of that I lost myself.

What little bit of me that was emerging in high school disappeared after we got married. The high school boy I’d fallen in love with was gone. Or rather, he was still a boy when I needed him to be a man.

And of course, the cherry on top of all of this: I’m not even into men. The signs couldn’t have been plainer and I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to figure this out: why I spent 8 years with a man when I’m gay. But I’ve figured it out.

So, whatever I’d been planning for my future in the past was thrown out the window long ago and I honestly couldn’t be happier. Now I’m able to embrace myself fully and become myself and have no one else to worry about but myself. Well, myself and Luna, who has taken all of this extremely well. It’s such a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone else anymore. It’s nice knowing that the money I make and slave to make is mine and mine alone, and that I’m slaving for it for myself and not because I’m trying to support two people on one income.

I’m not entirely sure what my future holds right now. I’m comfortable in my job. I’ve got a few more months before I can move to a smaller place and save up some more money for more travels. Whatever happens from now on though, I know I can face it as myself and that I’m so much happier than I was even in 2013, or 2009.

Happy Christmas

Is 2016 over yet?

I have been doing nothing but working my butt off since April. My average week consists of 5-6 work days at 10-16 hours each day. Thursday night into Friday I have 6 hours between shifts so I got about 3 hours of sleep and had to work 16 hours on Friday. Suffice it to say I. Am. Exhausted.

But other than working a lot, I had been looking forward to Christmas, and since I have to work Christmas Day, my family had Christmas today.

It’s not the first year we’ve done it on Christmas Eve, but it’s the first we’ve done it out of necessity instead of excitement and impatience. I slept for about 12 hours, got up, worked out, then headed over to my mom’s.

My angsty teenage little brother sat on the couch glued to his phone while my mom and I ate pizza and caught up and then we opened gifts.

I don’t like that as we grow older the magic in our lives just disappears. Christmas used to be a sparkly, warm, magical time that I like to relive in classic movies and perfect photographs, but in reality it’s not the same as it was when we were 3. The little bit that’s left is in those traditions. Pizza as our Christmas dinner, watching A Christmas Story on repeat on TBS, watching the Disney Christmas Parade (I was there for the filming this year!!!), and eating cinnamon rolls for Christmas breakfast (mine are in the fridge waiting for morning).

No, Christmas isn’t the same as when I was 3, but 20 years later I’m still in love with the colorful lights, the movies and food, the traditions, and of course getting to spend time with my family and friends. I can’t believe how many people think of me to wish a Happy Christmas to and even get me a gift.

I hope that you all have a happy Christmas and take a moment to just breathe in the moments you’re spending with family.

Ana and Me

I’ve been away a while.

I suddenly find my life taking a turn in a direction I never imagined it would go. Well, maybe not so suddenly. I think this has been a long time coming, perhaps even from day 1. I now find myself having to work 60-80 hours a week to make ends meet. I don’t have a fun budget. I don’t even have extravagant life goals anymore. All I want is to be able to work only 40 hours a week to make ends meet.

Somewhere in my past Ana and I met. Somewhere in my past Ana came into my life and I never really realized that she was never going to leave.

Eating disorder recovery is portrayed fantastically. Girls and boys post pictures of their sad skeletal frames next to more current pictures where they’re sporting big smiles and big muscles and expensive Lululemon sportswear.

It’s been nearly 10 years since my diagnosis and here I am, sitting in the cold, watching all of my money go toward gas and student loans and rent. My friends from my school days and at work either think I’m all better or don’t know about my past at all. Recovery and my predisposition to obsess over calories has taken over my life whether I’ve been aware of it or not. And somewhere in that time I lost a lot of things really dear to me.

It doesn’t matter what I look like. As long as I’m stuck in this recovery cycle I’ll never get anywhere. No one will ever love me. I’ll never go anywhere in life.

The problem is I don’t know how to get out.