On My (lack of) a Love Life

I’ve posted about this a few times since getting divorced. It’s not that much seeing as I still don’t blog that often, but it’s still kind of embarrassing to me. Still, though, this is my blog and I can post whatever the fuck I want on it. 

I was with the Actor since I was a youngin’ in high school. I haven’t been single very long since then, about a year now almost. A year ago I was crying on my mom’s couch telling her “I think I’m going to get divorced” and she was great at holding back the I-told-you-so’s. And I have very much enjoyed my almost year alone. But I still miss the idea of having someone to be intimate with. I’m not talking sexually, though that is nice, but I mean someone you can show your entire self to and enjoy their entire self. That silly you you do in front of the mirror or when you’re home alone. It’s nice to share that with someone. Right now I just have my cat Luna who is more or less irritated by my true self and prefers it when I sit quietly and binge watch Netflix while drinking an entire bottle of wine or 6-pack of beer. I usually pass out and she has a warm, quiet place to sleep. Until I wake up. She’s furry and cute but we don’t exactly have the best conversations. 

“Are you hungry?” MEOW. “What did you do today?” MEOW. “Did you miss me?” JUST FEED ME!

Still, though, I’m not really up for actively pursuing anything at the moment. I’ve got plans for the next year that require absolute flexibility, and Luna is already enough of a challenge. I want to move out of state, preferrably to California though the low rent costs have me considering Las Vegas or the surrounding area right now. I want to quit my job and really pursue something I actually enjoy and that doesn’t turn my soul an even darker shade of black than I thought existed (customer service is a killer). 

But I haven’t given up yet on the idea of love, and maybe that’s foolish and naive of me, and maybe one day I’ll learn the hard truth but for now I’m happy believeing that maybe one day I can find someone I can be happy with and love until I breathe my last breath. 

I’ll be honest and say I would regret it if I died having never dated anyone after my ex husband, but, then again, I would be dead. What would I care? 

Maybe one day I’ll start a post with the cliche “I’ve met someone,” and maybe it’ll be several posts, or maybe just a few, or one. That’s the fun of life, though, I suppose, the adventure in all of the relationships you have with people. Right now I’m enjoying the relationship I have with myself, but I look forward to the day when I have one with a special someone else. 

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Personal Goals for July 2017

All right, moving forward means I need to have a plan. Failing to plan is planning to fail they say. And I’m very good at failing to plan, which is odd because a much younger me used to plan out Christmas Day down to the minute. No lie, I wrote schedules and I put a lot of effort into them only to have them shot down as the day unfolded. Maybe that’s why I stopped planning things…

Number One: write SOMETHING every day. I doesn’t have to be for the book, although that it preferable, but it could also be a script for a video or a blog post. The important thing is I get back into the habit of writing. 

Number Two: Rejoin a gym. Let’s be honest, I liked myself a lot better when I had more muscle mass on me than less fat. Being skinny is overrated. I need to get back into lifting heavy shit. 

Number Three: Seriously try to cut back on sugar. It’s really bad for you and I have a serious addiction I need to kick. So, being more specific, only 1 cheat meal a week, and I mean it, me. Only 1. 

I think three is a good, small number, to ease me back into things. I have to take this seriously. If I ever want to be happy with what I do to pay for my food and entertainment and the small matter of a place to live then I need to put the work in now. 

Moving Forward 2017

I always feel the need to add the current year to the title because it is entirely possible for me to want to write a similar post, or at least use a similar title, in years ahead. 

After a bit of a breakdown two weeks ago at work after working 32 hours with only a 2 hour break in the middle I did a lot of soul searching. I’d been spending so much time thinking about where I was going romantically and who I was in terms of sexual attraction and gender identity/expression since getting divorced that I forgot all about my career aspirations. To be completely honest and fair with myself I had forgotten about them long before the divorce was even set into motion as that is what my current job will do to a person; kind of make them give up on other endeavors because it requires a ridiculous amount of one’s time and mental capacity. But after sacrificing my sleep (and sanity) to help out with a staffing shortage and then being yelled at for things completely beyond my control and just completely and utterly unappreciated I took a giant step back to look at where I was in life. 

Completely unhappy job wise. I couldn’t be happier being single and free to lounge about on the floor with my cat or get up and go anywhere on a whim without having to consult anyone but myself. But I don’t want to make my current job a career. It’s not hard to tell that my blog was more or less left to rot in cyberspace after I began working, as were all of my scripts and novels and filming projects. 

So, I have since picked up my iPad, flipped over its keyboard, and began working on a project I have been wanting to work on since I started this blog way back when it was knows as “Writing and Recovering”. I have begun vlogging again and making travel plans, video plans, book plans, and written out tag lines for future scripts. I have looked into getting my fitness certifications back and as soon as I get my personal training certification back I want to actually, finally, get a job as a trainer. 

Those were the things I wanted to do before I even graduated college. That was my plan, and it’s not really a bad plan, either. But being an adult is scary. All I ever knew for the majority of my life was school, so going out into the real world with actual jobs and finances and taxes was pertifying. Then the Actor and I split up which was a whole other roller coaster, and now that things are finally settling down I’m looking at places I kind of forgot existed. 

I have dedicated 2 years of hours in 1 year at my current job and I don’t have much to show for it except useless knowledge that no one outside of the work force understands. I don’t feel like I’m creating anything of value there. I’m not doing what I want to do. So, moving forward, I’m going to actually strive to do what I want to do with my life. I have to stick it out at this job for an undetermined amount of time while I work everything out, get my certifications back and work on my writing projects, and I would actually like to transfer to an office in California if a spot becomes available and I’ve saved up enough money. I’m tired of the Washington gloom. 

I’m young. I’m aware of that. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I’m also aware that I have the time to correct them, or at least move past them. I know I’ll make more mistakes in life. That’s inevitable, but I can’t keep making the mistake of putting myself into situations that are not what I want. I only get this one life. I need to do with it what I want to do. 

Mission Breakout

This trip was very much a mission to breakout from my stressful daily routine. Get up, try to ease into the day with some yoga, eat my usual banana ice cream for breakfast, and then fling myself head on into my chaotic job where we’re either all shouting at each other or escaping into back rooms to try to breathe for at least a second.
I had missed going to Disneyland in May and my annual pass was starting to gather dust, so I booked a hotel, packed a bag, and go on a plane. Before I knew it was dripping in sweat (Washingtonians are not used to that big yellow thing in the sky. Especially not after the winter we had this year) but standing in front of the new Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakout ride that took over the Tower of Terror.

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I’d been pretty upset they were getting rid of the ToT for this new ride but decided to give it a chance.
A chance was all it took.
I rode that thing 5 times, and each time was different than the one before. Seriously, there are different audio, video, and drop sequences. And it is beautiful. Being the emotional nerd that I am, I had my hands over my mouth and dare I say a tear or two in my eyes as I screamed on the first go around.
Surprisngly, the longest I waited out of all 5 times was only about 55 minutes. Radiator Springs Racers still has a longer line.
I should know better by now than to doubt Disney to create amazing things. They have this unmatchable ability to completely immerse you into a new world by covering every single detail, including the ones you didn’t even think they would cover and probably won’t even notice (like the smells they pump out on Main Street). And I am impressed by how far technology has taken us. The video screens in the queue for the pre ride shows were CRYSTAL CLEAR and CRISP which usually unnerves me (especially when the TV shows on these fancy screens are from years before those screens were even invented) but it works for the fictional world in which the Guardians live.
True to the GotG vibe, you launch immediately into the ride instead of the slow, suspense and fear building pace that ToT took, with immediate drops and of course 80s music.

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I spent my weekend mostly in Hollywoodland. With the Season of the Force over in Disneyland and new Marvel things setting up shop there it was the perfect getaway. While I love escaping into the world of yesterday, tomorrow, and fantasy, I needed a more heroic escape this weekend to a world where I could pretend that everything bad happening could be fixed by a bunch of hot people in spandex with large muscles, great catchphrases, and witty banter. And I got to meet Black Widow so it was a good weekend.
Unfortunately all good things must come to an end so here I sit, on the airplane home, where I’ve just been informed that we’ll be touching down shortly. I hope I brought some of the sun and heat back with me.
Until next time

Summer Goals

I have a weird theory about my fitness practices. When I was in college I was taking a full course load and working 19 hours a week. That’s it. And a full course load for a film student meant watching a few movies a week and writing about them, two of my favorite things to do (yes, I’m weird and like to write, not good I admit, analytical papers on film and novels). So I wasn’t that stressed out.

At least, not as stressed out as adult me was about to become.

Now I work 40-70 hours/week in an extremely high stress, fast paced environment and have a cat daughter at home who is on 3 medications for various illnesses.

Back in college I would work out 2-3 hours a day no problem. Lifting weights, high-intensity interval cardio, Zumba, and 45 minutes of yoga. I liked the wide varieties of workouts and the fast paced ones especially.

Now, however, not so much. Even just 20 minutes of interval training gives me anxiety. So I recently switched over to solely doing yoga and let me tell you I am loving it.

I’m also only 3 days in and hindered because I was selling my dining room table yesterday and had to carry it down 3 flights of stairs by myself, and in the process either strained or sprained my back. Either way it hurts like hell and I can barely bend over when I am used to being able to place my hands flat on the floor. But by staying active, lots of ibuprofen, heat, and the healing power of yoga I’m sure I’ll be good as new in no time.

Which brings me to the point of my post. My health goals for the summer are to practice yoga for at least an hour daily, and really listen to my body and what it needs. For the next few weeks that’ll probably be more restorative yoga than strengthening for my back, but I’m excited to heal and get into the really yummy stuff like arm balances and also balancing out my mind. I also want to focus more on eating a super clean diet, which won’t be too difficult because I’ve been doing it for about a week now and already my body rejects junk food. I decided to celebrate yesterday being my (un)anniversary and bought a mocha and sweet bread which my body promptly rejected.

I am excited to see where I am at the end of the summer! At the very least maybe my back won’t hurt anymore 😉

 

Single for Life… Apparently

My divorce was finalized on April 25th. Officially I have been divorced only a handful of weeks. But we separated back in November. I finally proposed getting a divorce in August. I’d decided I wanted one in April of 2016. And our romance had probably ended a few weeks before that. So, if you really stretch it, I’ve been single for well over a year now.

I’ve signed up for dating sites and scrolled and swiped and put WAY too much effort into figuring out what to say in my profile to make me sound appealing when I’m about as appealing as a few days old pastry: maybe it looks pretty, but it’s really fucking hard and stale now.

So for a while I just deleted my profiles and went about life. Honestly, with all of the hours I was working I was in no position to date anyone. I dated the same guy for about 8 years, married him, then divorced him and realized that after all of that, what I’d known when I was 12 was still true today no matter how much I’d tried to suppress it: I am gay and how I EVER thought I was straight is so weird. But I guess in this situation I’m Carol and the Actor is Ross, except I don’t have a lesbian lover, nor am I pregnant.

Anyway.

For about a week i thought it was time for me to date again. “It’s been long enough” I thought, “I can totally do this.”

Back onto those websites and apps I went and you know what I found out? I’m terrified. I am absolutely terrified and I also have no fucking clue what I’m doing. How do you date? How do you even strike up a conversation with someone? And as a Libra I suck at flirting. I’m disastrous at it. Well, except for when I don’t mean to flirt. When I want to intentionally I have no clue how to do that. Nope.

Without getting too long winded with this, basically I have no clue what I’m doing because I dated and married a guy way back when I was a much younger youngin’ than I am now. So I am clueless as to how to go about dating women and am basically terrified. And it’s much easier for me to zone out while listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack and my cat scream at me from another room than it is to try and flirt with people I find cute. And flirting is just the beginning. I don’t even know what to do if the flirting goes well! 

So, single life forever… apparently. Because even if anything were to go right, I’m sure I’ll just fuck it up somehow anyway.

But everything is fine. Don’t worry… I really have no clue how to end this post so I’m gonna just stop typing.