Standing Frozen in the Life I’ve Chosen

Yesterday was the official start of Winter Quarter 2014. I had to get up at 6 AM to drive to work, but at least yesterday I got to drive to work. Today I went outside and our car was covered in a sheet of it. I got it started ok, but I could not scrape the ice off of the windshield, so I locked the doors and booked it down to work, which was hard because every flat surface in town was icy. I managed not to slip at all, but I did slip quite a lot when I walked home after work, which does not make a lot of sense to me… So far I like this quarter. I like my classes. One of them is a little bit more involved than I would like it to be, but it’s only ten weeks. I am also taking English Grammar and Fiction Writing, and I am so excited about both of them. My grammar professor I had for an honors course back in fall of my freshman year. He’s also apparently the one to take grammar from, so awesome. My fiction professor is really funny, and also really seriously understands fiction writing and is honest about it. I have a short (really short, a page in length) beginning to a story to write for Friday already.

Yesterday also was my very first ever audition at my uni for all of the winter/spring shows. They required an acting resume along with the audition form and a head shot, and I had neither of those. So I took my own head shot:

And I put my stupid middle school plays on my “acting resume” and went out there. I was terrified, but I did it. I messed up my song, but I still got words out and sang them. I felt awful afterward, and went to bed way later than I should have to accommodate my new work schedule, but my morning run today woke me up well enough to get through my shift. I have said it before, but I always wanted to be an actress. It was one of the ten things I want to do with my life, but my dream was dashed to pieces when I was about 13-14 and I overheard my parents talking about how talented this one child actress was. I was older than her and all I’d done was play Miss Hannigan in my middle school’s production of Annie, Jr. I decided that if I wasn’t as good as her now I’d never be and I gave it up. That whole way of thinking still bothers me today. But the important thing is that I tried. I auditioned. I worked on my monologue and my song over break with the help from my personal acting coach, the Actor, and I went out there and did it. I’m only 20 years old. I’ve got a lot of life ahead of me. I could become an actress still if I wanted. Or not. It’s my life. I decide where it goes. UPDATE: Apparently me deciding to give up my dream of becoming an actress was a good move. Apparently I cannot become an actress whether I want to or not. Which means I wasted about $2 of my printing money for this quarter. 

The Actor has a call back tonight for one of the shows, and I do not, so I plan on sleeping. Of course, I am already looking forward to the weekend. And to Spring, when all of this Winter nonsense will be gone. I cannot wait to move away from here. I’d honestly transfer if my credits would transfer, but being in the honors college, other universities don’t accept that in place of regular gen ed requirements, so I’d have to take all the stupid 101 classes if I transferred. Just a little bit longer. I hope I can hold out.

Here’s to Winter Quarter 2014. May it be better than Winter Quarter 2013 which just drained my soul of all hope and happiness.


Life’s Too Short

In recovery you have to learn to let yourself indulge, no matter how many calories or how much fat or whatever it is you’re afraid of. Life is way too short to not eat whatever you want. But there is always that fear of gaining too much weight; of letting yourself go. You’re afraid, at least I am, of just going crazy. Taking the “life’s too short” thing for granted and just eating every dessert you see every chance you get. It’s also just not healthy to do that. It’s not good to just buy cookies because you saw them and thought, “There haven’t been cookies in the house for a while. I better buy these!” It’s not good to order a burger with bacon and cheese and bar-b-que sauce and steak fries just because you went out to eat that night and you went out to eat 3 days ago. It’s not good to eat only sugar and fat and salt, even though it is important to get over fear foods.

Something I really struggled with, and still do to an extent, was going from one way of eating to the next. I went from eating nothing to eating every treat I was offered. I had to learn how to take care of my body properly and eat right.

Life’s too short.


Life is too short to not nourish your body and be healthy. This is the one body you get. It’s the only one you’ve got, so why treat it so poorly?

Now, poorly doesn’t just mean eating poorly all the time. You do have to take care of it and feed it the foods it needs to run on like all those delicious fruits and vegetables, and getting all that good exercise, but it also means letting yourself indulge every now and then.

Right now I am training pretty hard. I do 45 minutes of strength training every day followed by at least 15 minutes of cardio. Since the fiancé is away it’s easier for me to eat what my body needs and what is healthy. I have little treats a few times a week, which is okay. And little can mean a couple of pieces of mini reeses cups, or a cup of fro-yo, or an ice cream sandwich, or a bag of fruit snacks. I am happy and every time I look in the mirror something has changed. I am starting to look more defined and am losing fat. I’ve only been at this for 3-4 weeks with a few slip-ups because of my trip to Montana (although I did run 3 miles in the mountains one day and swim for 2 hours another). It’s amazing.

The best part is that I am happy. I think I am finally getting to that balance between taking care of myself and indulging. The most important thing though, and the best thing though, is that I am happy. Life’s too short to not be happy!

Coming Up on College

I woke up ridiculously early (after going to sleep at 3am, don’t ask) to get in the car and drive two hours to my uni.


I didn’t drive because I figured that driving on 3 hours of sleep would be a bad idea. We went over the “pass” and as soon as we were over it was sunny and beautiful.

The orientation was a 2 day program when in the end the only thing that was accomplished was getting my fall quarter classes. There were sessions for the parents and for the students. We went to neither. We sat in the Student Union building reading books. We went to the academic advising session with the head of the honors program and then we sat and read some more. My mom had me go to one session and it wasn’t horrible, it was just made for people that hadn’t done any research on where they were planning on living and taking classes from for 4 years. The other sessions looked like just people sitting in a circle asking questions about the uni. I just wanted to sign up for my classes and go home, but I couldn’t sign up for classes until the next day.

They fed us every 2-3 hours, though, which was nice, except the meals were all meat. I didn’t know they had any vegetarian options. I’m not one to ask about things. If I don’t see something I assume it doesn’t exist and take what they offer. So I had bread and cheese for lunch. Someone in front of me at dinner mentioned they were a vegetarian so I got the vegetarian option for dinner, which was a very tasty veggie sandwich.

We saw a wonderfully funny comedian whom we’d seen before open for our favorite comedian Brian Regan, Kermit Apio. We were both laughing the entire time and it was the perfect ending to the day. After running on 3 hours of sleep for the whole day (the one activity I did involved running around the entire Student Union building) I was ready for bed.


My room was on the 3rd floor and about 100 degrees. My mom got to stay in the nice dorm with air conditioning, and it was a suite. I could feel myself drying out as I slept. It was terribly dark in the room, along with being terribly hot. I was able to sleep, surprisingly. They gave the students the worst stuff. My mom had an air conditioned room with a bathroom and full kitchen and my bathroom was on the other side of the dorm, my pillow was lumpy, and the sheets felt gross. I was too tired to care too much though and fell asleep by 11.

When I woke up the next morning it was relatively cool. But as soon as I got back in the room after washing my face and all that fun stuff it was back to being hot. I was sitting in my room, not moving, and I was sweating. At least I won’t be living in the dorms during the summer!

So, my classes for fall quarter are ok. I have University 101, which is 1 credit, and they apparently are going to teach me how read the course catalog. I don’t think I could have signed up for my classes without being able to read it, so that’s a class I can sleep through. I have to take Math 101 because I didn’t take pre-calc in high school because I know that if I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide I will be good. But I still have to take it, so I will deal with it. I have two honors courses, and two pe classes which totals 18 credits, which is the maximum without being charged more. If we’re going to pay a crazy high amount for tuition you know I’m taking the maximum.


I drove home and slept 12 hours straight that night.

I know this sounds kind of negative, but I am really excited to start school. Both of my honors classes are taught by English professors so I will get to know them before I get into my major. I am nervous and scared. I know it’s just college and I know I’m going to enjoy it, but this is the first time I’m going to be living away from home and I’m going to have to make my dorm room my home. It’ll be interesting. It’ll be fun. I’m excited.


I’m back to blogging early! I couldn’t stay away.

Senior Awards Night was on Wednesday, the 6th and it was put together fairly well. They played the slideshow I built about 4 times and I was already sick of it. If I have to hear “Graduation” by Vitamin C and “Good Life” one more time I will explode. I didn’t even get credit for it. They thanked the other girl in my group who was busy with prom and didn’t help very much (understandably). Yay. But I’m not too bitter about that anymore.


I of course won the English award, but it has a typo on it… “For you outstanding achievement…” I know there are typos in my writing, especially in my book (I fixed most of them last weekend) but don’t put a typo on an award, especially one for English.


That’s me with my AP Lit/Senior English teacher, quite possibly one of my favorite teachers in my entire education.


I got a special red GPA cord for having a GPA above 3.5. I got an award for being in the top 5% of my academy but not for the top 10%, which they gave to 10 people when we only have 90 students in my graduating class in my academy. There’s a reason we are School of Global Leadership and Economics (formerly Humanities and Arts) and not Math, Science, Health, and Fitness. (just a note, all of these ridiculous names are now colors)

I went home with several awards, well, 2 I think. It’s been too long. I can’t remember. Then I waited. Thursday was my last real day with classes, but it wasn’t really real because we had yearbook distribution which was 40 minutes of me saying, “Last name….what?…can you spell that?…student number….initial next to your name…thank you!” and a “Moving Up” assembly, where you basically sit for 30 minutes and listen to the new ASB representatives talk and the cheer squad perform and then you move from one side of the bleachers to the other, unless you’re a senior in which case you get balloons dropped on you in the middle of the gym floor. I think most of my senior class went from being 18 to 4 when the balloons came down because they were all pushing and shoving and popping balloons before they could fall. They even completely knocked over my friend which was just ridiculous.

The last day of school was Senior Breakfast, Graduation Practice, then Campus Day which meant sit in my favorite classroom with my absolute favorite teacher until Kyle comes to pick me up. He moved home the day before.


My cap, and my friend’s design before gluing it to her cap. She basically decorated hers the whole time and we just hung out. I do not miss high school in any way whatsoever but I do miss that room and that teacher. Right now I would be going to 3rd period if I was in school. I’m glad I’m not though.

My grandparents came to visit on Friday so we all went out to eat and then the next day was graduation.


My dad came to dinner, uninvited, and then brought his new girlfriend to graduation even though I had told him she was not invited. He gave me a nice gift card for Disneyland that I gladly used up and was nice enough to sit separate from my family and come say congratulations alone after the ceremony. Up until he told me he was bringing her I had forgotten why I hated him so much. Then he reminded me. But I had a good last 2 hours sitting with my friends complaining about everything and judging the 1 hour ceremony and laughing at all of the speeches. I left graduation saying goodbye to the most pointless 4 years of my life. Not all of it was bad, but most of it was not good. I didn’t cry. I walked out of the building saying, “Goodbye everyone!” and not even looking back. When I got home I threw off my robe that will forever hang in my closet until I shove it into a box and threw my empty diploma thing on the ground. I received no closure and won’t until I get my diploma in the mail. But after my trip with Kyle I have completely forgotten about graduation. Everyone makes this huge deal out of it but to me it meant next to nothing. I wore an awful $60 gown that probably cost $1 to make and sat among the 300 in my class, with about 3/4 of them actually graduating, the rest just walking for the fun of it, and I was cold. I took a few pictures and then I went home. No one I knew cried. I knew I was graduating when we were all lined up in the back ready to walk, but I felt nothing except maybe some joy knowing I never have to go back there again. Whatever the district does after this I couldn’t care less about.

I am happy it is all over with. I am very glad I don’t have to get up at 6 every morning anymore. I am happy I get to spend my days doing something useful with my time instead of going to school to sit for 8 hours.  It does feel a little weird to me, still. Everyone else still has school this week and half of next. I remember going last year and all of the seniors were gone. It was sad but the school was appropriately filled for that last week instead of being overcrowded like usual. I miss the few underclassmen friends I had but chances are I will see them again this summer at some point.

Overall, I am very happy to be done with high school and am ready to move on to the next step. I am a little scared about going to college. Nervous, I guess, but I figure it will be all right in the end. It is a little weird to be done, but that doesn’t mean I’m sad about it!

The Final Countdown

My AP Literature test was on Thursday and it was the fastest 3 hours of my life. It was fairly easy but I have to wait until July to find out my score, which is annoying but I know I did pretty well and will receive college credit for it.

Now that it’s over, though, I have senioritis really bad. I am ready to just be done and never go back. I mean, I’ve had senioritis since I was a sophomore when they started messing up my schedule and doing random stupid stuff that affected me. My district is apparently notorious for having their students be guinea pigs and I am tired of it. I wanted a solid education not some test crap. I am really excited for college so that I can finally learn something. I often think it would be better if we had to do general education until we knew what we wanted to do with our lives at which point we could go and use all of our school time to prepare and train for that instead of covering a wide rang of stuff. I took a second English class in my sophomore year on top of the required Sophomore English instead of taking Pre Calculus because I am pretty sure an English major will not need Calculus. I figure if I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide I will be okay in life.

I’m getting off subject.

I only 1 project left in AP Lit now and no more essays thank goodness! I just have to sit and analyze Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in Senior English, but no more essays there either. I wrote my last one after the AP test on Thursday. 4 essays in one day, that was intense! I have a presentation in Current World Problems, and I have to finish the Senior Slideshow for our Senior Awards Night next month and an awesome self-portrait project in AP Art since we submitted our portfolios for that on Wednesday. I pretty much only have 3 more graded things out of all that and they’re all very easy.

My senior year is coming to a close finally. I have been waiting for this since Prom last year. Oh! I forgot about Prom. That’s coming up too and I finally got my dress this week thanks to a friend and her sister who lent it to me. It’s beautiful and I can’t wait to wear it! I graduate in less than a month. That is awfully scary. Actually, a month from now I will be in Disneyland with my boyfriend. We have been planning that trip since sophomore year and it’s finally here! Goodness, it’s exciting! I have 18 days of school left and 30 days until Disneyland, and it’s finally sunny and nice here! I couldn’t be happier, honestly. Things are finally starting to look up. I still need to find a job but right now I’m too happy to care too much about that. I’m going to graduate and never have to go back to that school ever in my life (I am NOT going to reunions) and everything in my future is looking like a wonderful dream. I know it’s not going to be perfect, but there will be some wonderfully nice parts in it.

Goodbye Senior Year, I do not think I will miss you! 18 more days? I can do that.

Almost Over

I have been so stressed out this year I have forgotten what it feels like to be relaxed. I even forgot what it felt like to be stressed I was so stressed!

Well, on Wednesday we met our final deadline in Yearbook. It is over! It is done. All that is left is for our editor to go over the proofs. I already went over them, most of them twice and some of them three times, and fixed all grammatical and spelling and punctuation errors. It is very sad that these still exist at the end of Yearbook, but they are fixed so no worries. These people just will go out into the world unprepared and that is not my problem.

I had my very last Student Lead Conference on Wednesday, and it was as meaningless as they have been since elementary school.

“So, Mom, here are works I did in school that I’ve already told you all about. Oh, and my grades? A’s, as always.”

I have less than 30 days left to finish my AP Studio Art portfolio, and no worries there at all. I only have 4 more pieces for my concentration left to do which will take one or two more photoshoots, and I just need maybe 2 more amazing pieces for my breadth portfolio. And the good news is that it is finally sunny here! It’s been raining nonstop for the past 2 weeks and this is the second day that we have had sun and I love it. I will be taking long walks today enjoying the sun and getting my vitamin D.

I have 45 days left in my senior year. It is almost time for me to stop going to a horribly designed public school and start working and then go to college and keep working! Oh my goodness, my life is starting. I am no longer a child just living off of my mom. I’m about to start trying to make my own way in the world, and gosh is that thought scary. This isn’t exactly the best time to start, but it is certainly better than what it was a few years ago. There are more jobs now than there were last year, but a high school diploma means nothing and a BA is starting to mean nothing, too, and that is scary. I can’t afford to get my BA and I know I’m going to get out of college with a fair amount of debt that I’m going to spend the rest of my life paying off, so there is no way I’m going to get a masters. I’m getting my BA and that’s it unless I become wildly successful for some reason.

So, no more stress from Yearbook, but a fair amount of anxiety from the thought of the future. But I’m almost done with high school and I cannot wait!

It’s Okay to be Taken Care of

Not to be confused with It’s Okay to Make Mistakes, even though it is.

I have had a nasty cold for a while now. Yesterday, I went home from school halfway through the day feeling completely miserable and looking awful. I have never gone home early from school before so I felt really bad about it. I should have just stayed and stuck it out,  I kept telling myself, but to be completely honest I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds before they would start watering, my nose was running like crazy and none of the classrooms I was in had tissue boxes, I was tired and my eyes were super red. I was not going to get anything accomplished if I stayed. So I texted my mom who actually let me go home instead of telling me to just stick it out like she usually does and picked me up after yearbook.

I went home and took a nap and realized that it was completely okay for me to go home. Even today in the classes I’d missed yesterday I realized I got along just fine. I missed my Lit/English teacher reading possibly my favorite chapter in The Things They Carried but I’ve heard all of the analysis before and I’ve read it several times, and I finished 5 pictures today in AP Art. Missing one day did not kill me and it never will. At least, not in high school. We don’t really do a lot of learning there, so I don’t think missing a week would hurt either.

Even though my boyfriend is at college he still took the time to text me and Skype and keep his phone near him last night when I had trouble sleeping because it is hard to sleep when you can’t breathe like a normal person. When I had my wisdom teeth out he came over to my house and got me my food when I was hungry and sat through about half of the first season of Pretty Little Liars that he bought me for Christmas with me. Over the weekend when I had my sore throat (which is how all my colds start) he got me water and cough drops even though I insisted I didn’t need them (even though it was very nice to have them) and even offered to make me tomato soup even though he’s never made soup before.

I’ve been taking care of myself for years. My mom would take care of me when I was sick if she was home from work and not terribly busy. Otherwise I would be lying in bed watching tv and getting my own water and juice and food when she was at work because my dad couldn’t be bothered. It’s weird letting my boyfriend get me things. I’ll say I want something and he will jump up and get it. But that’s completely okay, and I’m starting to like it. Having someone take care of me for a change is really, really nice.

I just have to get used to it and stop thinking he’d rather not be getting things for me. If he didn’t want to, I don’t think he would.

Anything you’ve realized is okay lately?