Single for Life… Apparently

My divorce was finalized on April 25th. Officially I have been divorced only a handful of weeks. But we separated back in November. I finally proposed getting a divorce in August. I’d decided I wanted one in April of 2016. And our romance had probably ended a few weeks before that. So, if you really stretch it, I’ve been single for well over a year now.

I’ve signed up for dating sites and scrolled and swiped and put WAY too much effort into figuring out what to say in my profile to make me sound appealing when I’m about as appealing as a few days old pastry: maybe it looks pretty, but it’s really fucking hard and stale now.

So for a while I just deleted my profiles and went about life. Honestly, with all of the hours I was working I was in no position to date anyone. I dated the same guy for about 8 years, married him, then divorced him and realized that after all of that, what I’d known when I was 12 was still true today no matter how much I’d tried to suppress it: I am gay and how I EVER thought I was straight is so weird. But I guess in this situation I’m Carol and the Actor is Ross, except I don’t have a lesbian lover, nor am I pregnant.

Anyway.

For about a week i thought it was time for me to date again. “It’s been long enough” I thought, “I can totally do this.”

Back onto those websites and apps I went and you know what I found out? I’m terrified. I am absolutely terrified and I also have no fucking clue what I’m doing. How do you date? How do you even strike up a conversation with someone? And as a Libra I suck at flirting. I’m disastrous at it. Well, except for when I don’t mean to flirt. When I want to intentionally I have no clue how to do that. Nope.

Without getting too long winded with this, basically I have no clue what I’m doing because I dated and married a guy way back when I was a much younger youngin’ than I am now. So I am clueless as to how to go about dating women and am basically terrified. And it’s much easier for me to zone out while listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack and my cat scream at me from another room than it is to try and flirt with people I find cute. And flirting is just the beginning. I don’t even know what to do if the flirting goes well! 

So, single life forever… apparently. Because even if anything were to go right, I’m sure I’ll just fuck it up somehow anyway.

But everything is fine. Don’t worry… I really have no clue how to end this post so I’m gonna just stop typing.

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What is Free Time

Ever since I started my current job just over a year ago I’ve watched my free time go out the window. Free time now is spent sleeping and trying to recover from my work week because I have to work over 40 hours every week due to financial necessity. When my ex and I moved back over to western Washington I calculated our budget on the assumption that we would both work 40 hour work weeks at minimum wage for Seattle because we lived so close and could easily get jobs there. I did not get a job in the area that paid that much and my ex didn’t get a job that gave him more than 10-15 hours/week for months so we were in a big financial bind. And now that it’s just me and my current job, although in the Seattle area, does not pay Seattle minimum wage I’ve been having to work 60-70 hour work weeks for the past year.

I actually made the decision to move back home with my mom when the lease is up on my apartment in 3 months so it’s just 3 more months of being overworked and then I can go back to having free time that isn’t spent sleeping and staring off into space because I can’t brain today.

But I was scrolling through my blog here today and remembering what it was like to be dedicated to this blog and I miss that dedication. I don’t know if I want to focus so much on this blog or my YouTube channel or what but I miss having the time to be focused on something other than work. I miss having the time to do that stuff. Now I do my side business as a wellness coach on my breaks at my current job during my 16 hour shifts and before I fall asleep at night and when I wake up in the morning, but rarely do I actually have a chunk of time to dedicate to it and I really want that chunk of time.

Today I’m in a daze. The weird thunder storms we had on Thursday made work a disaster so I was doing way more than usual and already tired from lack of sleep. I slept for 12 hours and still don’t have the energy to do very much.

And I know all I did here was complain, but I really am so much happier now than I was a year ago. And I am really looking forward to the future.

50 Random Things About Me

1. I love candy corn. 

2. I don’t understand why it’s such a symbol of Halloween but hardly anyone likes it. 

3. Halloween is my second favorite holiday. 

4. Christmas is my favorite holiday. 

5. I hate January because we transition so fast out of the holiday spirit into the depressing nothing-ness of fake weight loss ads and a new year. 

6. I am terrified of death right now and freak out whenever anything little goes wrong with me physically because I don’t want to die before I’ve really done anything. 

7. I’ve thought about dropping out of college every quarter. 

8. I have 33 credits left to take before I graduate. 

9. I could graduate this year if my required classes were offered in order. 

10. I love Disney. 

11. I love food. 

12. I’m a terrible cook. 

13. I can work on my muscles all day long but I can barely do cardio. 

14. I’ve been doing Pilates for almost 5 years. 

15. I’ve been lifting for 2. 

16. I have one little brother who has just started high school. 

17. I used to know how to sing in German. 

18. I am half German, half Mexican. 

19. The Mexican side is specifically Aztec. 

20. I feel bad when people give me things, even on my birthday. 

21. I have extremely low self-worth. 

22. People continuing to buy me things thinking it will make me feel better just makes me feel worse. 

23. I’ve actually forgiven my father and realized what a drama queen I was being. 

24. I don’t regret not inviting him to my wedding. 

25. We actually talk now and are friends on Facebook. 

26. I’m getting my first pair of glasses this week. 

27. I’m bisexual. 

28. I want to visit the past but not live there except for the fact that my minimum wage less than part-time salary would make me rich if I went back far enough. 

29. I am obsessed with Japanese culture. 

30. I can understand Japanese speaking and half of the writing, but I’m not very good at speaking it. 

31. I got into meditation for a while, but prefer yoga. 

32. I am a certified fitness trainer. 

33. My next tattoo will be a Sailor Moon tattoo. 

34. Lady Gaga is my idol. 

35. I love sewing but I don’t have a sewing machine. 

36. I used to crochet all the time. 

37. I am a feminist. 

38. I love cats. 

39. My husband is a year older than me. 

40. We met at a summer camp our high school held about a month before classes started. He was a leader in my academy. 

41. We didn’t actually start dating until January. 

42. Our high school did things really weirdly. 

43. All but one of our favorite teachers still teaches there. I guess that’s not a fact about me. 

44. I drink A LOT of water. 

45. Being told I didn’t daydream in class after I had admitted to it in the third grade really messed up my self-perception and understanding.

46. I am a Hufflepuff. 

47. I’ll be 21 in two weeks. 

48. Sometimes I like to lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling for hours for no reason. 

49. My cat is 12 now. 

50. 3 days in Disneyland isn’t enough for me. 🙂 

August – 25 Things

1. I’m happiest when…I’m working on something that is important to me. It’s summer and classes are over so I’m kind of miserable (also because of all the fires and smoke near me, but that’s another story. And my college town sucks), so I need to work on a project to give myself meaning. Otherwise I sit around and focus on how much I hate where I live. 

2. Especially if it…is a craft or a story. I need to finish my screenplay, but I am currently migrating to a new computer so I have a lot to download and set up and get used to. PC to Mac. 

3. I’ve always wanted to…learn German

4. My family and I…are weird but we love each other. 

5. I was a terrible…math student. I talked to myself when I would solve problems and goof around with my friends most of the class period. Somehow I still got A’s though.

6. My first job was…the one I have now, unless you count babysitting.

7. I could probably eat ____ everyday…peanut butter. And until recently I did. 

8. I stole…those little jelly packets from restaurants when I was a little kid. They fascinated me for some reason. 

9. I was born on the same day as…Will Smith, Mark Hamill, Michael Douglas, Shel Silverstein, and Catherine Zeta Jones. 

10. My all-time favorite film is…Some Like it Hot, with The Social Network as a close second. 

11. I do a pretty mean…cookie

12. I’m still mad…at that one girl who confessed that her bullying lead to that other girl committing suicide and she got away with it. It was a few years ago, but this girl had cyber bullied and also in school I guess, this other girl who committed suicide, and they didn’t punish the bully at all. I’m also still mad at people who have issues with birth control and marriage equality.

13. I met my best friend…in high school

14. I always knew I wanted…love

15. I’m not afraid to…stand up for others.

16. I make the best…cookie. That’s really all I’m good at.

17. I have almost no…self esteem. 

18. I always cry when…I remember #17.

19. I’m now…poor…but I hope to…not be poor someday

20. I spent four years…in recovery from anorexia nervosa so far

21. I wish my folks…would each see a therapist

22. At age 5, I was deeply in love with…a golden retriever named KG

23. I believe if everyone…was nice to each other…the world would be a better place. Enough said!

24. I can’t stand…people who make stupid arguments against marriage equality or birth control. So pretty much every argument against marriage equality or birth control. 

25. Whenever…Friends…is on, I’ll watch.

Classes and Cramps

My life is so boring lately! Ok, it’s not boring, just busy and full of things that are not really all that exciting. So here is a jumble of things:

It’s been 7 weeks since I got my IUD inserted and I am still SO happy with this decision! The cramping has gone down, although I do still get it occasionally. When we hit 4 weeks it got really bad and I thought I was going to have my period, but nope. The cramps went away after a week and some ibuprofen, and since then I’ve just been spotting very slightly and still no period. They said there is like a 10% chance (don’t quote me on that) that you won’t get your period while using Skyla, and I’m like, “Awesome, I fall into that 10%!” It’s a good feeling. I definitely like not getting my period every 3 weeks like I did on the pill. I don’t really like not knowing when it will come if at all, but it’s not the end of the world if it does come.

I am also halfway through summer quarter now. It’s only 6 weeks of classes so this is week 3. I have a screenplay to write (ack!), an actor to put a presentation together on, and then 3 tests which are all open note and open book, so it’s not that stressful. Soon I’ll be done with classes for the summer and spending a lot more time in Seattle for:

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I am so excited! It’s going to be a good summer. And then I get to go back to my second and forever home:

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It’s going to be a good summer. I can’t say it’s been terrible now, either. It’s been hot. Like in the 100’s hot! We are so grateful our apartment has air conditioning. And I’ve never been so happy about the ridiculous wind! We had the window open and the fan going in the bedroom last night and I actually got cold! That’s a good feeling.

In case any of you are interested, I’ve started yet another blog: Chocolate Dipped Drama. It’s a film review blog/maybe story series blog. If I have the time and get around to it I’m thinking of releasing the novel I worked on last summer in bits on the blog, but extend it like a series because there is so much I want to do with it and keeping it in book form is just limiting unless I want an Order of the Phoenix-sized book.

I also got the ball rolling today for getting a training job at my uni’s gym which I am very excited about! This is just one of those times when I feel like things are going to be okay. I’ve started meditating every night using the app I downloaded onto my phone called Stop. Breathe & Think and I love it! My therapist is leaving at the end of August so I wanted to get something in place that I could turn to, and now use to help me get to a place where I will feel more confident about stopping therapy when she leaves. It’s definitely helping.

So this was many things all in one post. I thought about writing another depressing post about my childhood but decided against it. I hope you’re all staying cool!

IUD Diva

Today I made the leap and got an IUD. Now, for the past two days I’ve been searching the internet and reading all kinds of horror stories about the insertion and time afterward, so I wanted to put something that addressed the other side. It is important to note that before I was on the pill I had extremely painful periods to the point where I would almost pass out in the first two days. I only didn’t because I would recognize it coming on and lie down, which would hold it off. The pill didn’t make them less painful, I just was able to more accurately time the midol/ibuprofen so that it would actually be effective, whereas before I’d wait till the last minute and at that point it doesn’t do any good. So, after 3+ years of taking the pill and paying every month for the refill and the hassle of trying to get my refill on time I finally decided to get an IUD.

There are now 3 IUDs on the market. The copper IUD Paragard which is non-hormonal and good for 10 years, but most doctors will tell you it can be used for 12. My mom used the copper and then they said 5 years but it would work for 8 and she was one of the (un?)lucky few to get pregnant on it and had my little brother. Then there is the Mirena and the newest one the Skyla which is by Mirena. Both of those are hormonal. The Mirena lasts for about 5 years and the Skyla lasts for 3. The Skyla is made specifically for women who have never had children before, but they’ll give it to you if you have had a child before. It is smaller than the Paragard and the Mirena and has a smaller dose of hormones. The Mirena releases 20 mcg of levonorgestrel a day, and the Skyla releases 13.5-14 mcg of levonorgestrel a day. I got the Skyla. I was thinking of the Paragard for a while, but one of the side effects is more painful and heavier periods, which I already have, so I didn’t want to risk making it worse. So, I opted for the Skyla. Less hormones sounds good to me. I did some research and if I did my math correctly (which I might not have. I never took calculus), then on the pill I got 300mcg of norgestrel/day, but now I’ll only get 14mcg of levonorgestrel/day. Basically, I’ll be getting less hormones, which is what I wanted.

So, the insertion. I was so nervous leading up to it. I was just as nervous as I got right before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, except I felt more like I was going to hurl rather than pass out. The Actor drove me to the OB/GYN where I had to take a pregnancy test and then went back for the whole ordeal. My blood pressure was 102/68, which surprised me because I was so nervous. I thought it would at least be close to the average 120/80. Then I had to strip waist down and wait. I am on my period. They told me it is easier to insert then because the blood can act kind of like a lubricant, and the cervix is easier to open and lower down. I sat waiting, rambling about nothing to try and steady my nerves, until the doctor came in. Everything moved very quickly. I put my feet up in the stirups, and she felt around to get a sense of my uterus after lubricating, and then she placed the speculum, which I’ve never liked not for the stretching which I don’t mind, but the sudden almost sharp edges. She cleaned my cervix and then measured my uterus to make sure it was big enough. Now, I’d read that the measuring part hurt the worst, and it was uncomfortable, but it was ok. I did wince but it was more out of a desire to make her stop than me being in actual, terrible pain. I’m not going to say that it was a walk in the park, but it wasn’t like ohmigod that was awful pain. She did measure it twice just to get an accurate reading, and my mind did silently curse her when she said she was going to do it again, but it was ok, really. Then came the actual placement of the Skyla IUD. Measuring takes a second, and the IUD feels about the same, except it takes maybe 3-5 seconds so the uncomfortable part lasted just a tad longer. I assume this is because the arms of the IUD are folded down and have to snap out once it’s placed. Then came the cramping. She asked me on a scale of 1-10 how bad the cramping was. At the time I said 7, but it really wasn’t that terrible. I’ve had 7s and it was really more like a 5-6. It subsided quickly down to like a 3 and stayed that way for a while. I got it in at 1, it’s been 2 1/2 hours and now I feel pretty much completely fine. I’d taken 200mg of ibuprofen an hour before and took 200 more when I got home, so that probably helps. They said to use a heating pad but I have a ice pack/heating pad and keep it in the freezer so I left it out to defrost, but I don’t think I need it now. Honestly, stuff hitting the uterus was what hurt, not the cervix expanding.

Was it painful? No. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. Was I crampy afterward? Yes. It’s not the best experience in the world, but the benefits greatly outweigh the 2-5 minutes it takes to get the thing in. I can’t say much about the actual IUD just yet, as it’s only been a few hours, so in a few weeks I’ll recap my experience with it then. They said that spotting and irregular bleeding is normal for the first 6 months, and it can take 6 months for your body to adjust to an IUD. Skyla and Mirena also claim to make periods lighter or stop them altogether, so we’ll see.

It’s important to note that everyone’s experience with birth control is going to be different. I just happen to already have shitty periods so getting an IUD was like a walk in the park compared to them. It was also a walk in the park compared to my last tattoo which took an hour to get and left me in pain for several hours afterward, unable to do anything except sort of focus on the first Harry Potter movie. So don’t let insertion stories scare you out of getting one if you’re considering it, and feel free to ask me any questions you have about it between now and May 2017 when I have to get a new one.

Rainbows

Today is International Day Against Homophobia, which I did not know existed until this morning, but was happy to find out that it did.

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I do not care if you don’t like it. We are not asking you to like it. We are asking you to keep your dislike of it to yourself and let the LGBTQ community do whatever the fuck they want because they have been letting you do that for far too long. It is not “wrong” and it is not “a crime against nature” and it is not “a crime against god.” There is no child alive that would ask about homosexuals and be disgusted by the definition unless they have already been brainwashed into thinking it is bad. And maybe I’m sounding a little too harsh here, but the other side has been harsh, too. I do not care if you think marriage should be between a man and a woman only. Guess what? You don’t get to make that decision. You do not have the authority to deny happiness to thousands of people just because you think their relationships are “icky.”

I came out on here a little while ago as bisexual, and ever since I came out to the Actor and on here I have actually felt so much more free. I can be 100% who I am and I absolutely love it. I don’t have to hide anything or feel bad for feeling the way I do.

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As a bisexual, I realize that there is a lot of biphobia and denial of bisexuality across both the hetero and homosexual communities. It blurs the lines between straight and gay. There is no longer a definitive line separating the two if we acknowledge that bisexuality is a thing, and I realize that can make people feel uncomfortable, but we all need to feel uncomfortable. That’s where progress happens. It is not okay to just refuse to accept it. It is not okay to bully or discriminate anyone in the LGBTQ community, not just bisexuals. It is not okay to hold signs on street corners telling us our sexuality is a sin. It is not okay to hold a sign on a street corner on Mother’s Day that says, “Thank your mom today for not being gay.” (x) I cannot stop those people from disliking it and thinking it is wrong, but it is not okay to push their close-minded views on us. I would like it if they could accept it, but if they cannot they need to keep their feelings about it to themselves.

Today is about erasing homophobia and giving people in the LGBTQ community the same rights as straight people. It’s about stopping the silence. It’s about giving us a voice. We are all people. We are all capable of love, and who we love doesn’t matter as long as we’re happy. I don’t care who you love. You don’t care who I love. But I do care that you are happy in your relationship and that you are able to marry, to have a job, to have a voice, to be able to walk down the street without fear. Love a man. Love a woman. Love anyone. Live. Love. Be happy. And be able to do all that without discrimination.