Step Back to Go Forward

Sometimes you have to take a step backward to go forward.

Today I joined the ranks of many others my age and moved back home. After living in my own place for 4 years, 3 of those shared with my ex, I finally burnt out, broke down, and moved home. It’s not because I want to avoid being an adult. While that is not a false statement, I moved back home due to financial hardship. I’ve mentioned this several times on here that I had to work 60-80 hour weeks in order to make ends meet in a one bedroom apartment in a suburban area. I have been eating one meal a day and then upsetting my stomach with enough espresso shots to ward off hunger of any other meals a normal human would require. Over 50% of my income without working extra hours was going to rent. I can’t even begin to talk about how unacceptable that is, because I know I’m not the only one. 

It is exceedingly strange to be back in my childhood bedroom as a twenty-something divorced adult. Luna has taken to it rather well this time. I had brought her to the house once before so the complex could do a preliminary inspection of the apartment without a cat getting in their way and she spent all of her time underneath my bed. It only took her a few hours today before she emerged from under the sofa to explore the house. So far I think she is quite pleased, although there are still some slight fur remnants of my first late fur child, Sweetie, who left us last summer, that Luna is smelling. 

I have set up my room in a weird child/adult hybrid. I’ve fit the bookshelf back where it was before but the contents have changed somewhat. The bedroom decorations have gone from torn out magazine pages of Demi Lovato, Ashely Tisdale, and Vanessa Hudgens, to white string lights and my pride flag. I do have a Harry Potter poster from college I’ll probably add to that, but it’s been a long day and I’m ready to veg out for a few hours. I worked out first thing in the morning, showered, and immediately began packing, moving, and unpacking, and then sat down to write this. It’s been about 12 hours since I woke up. And I have to go to work tomorrow. 

On the bright side, this is temporary. I will be able to put away 50% of my paycheck every month, actually eat food again, maybe take a few trips, maybe actually hang out with friends (after I get friends), and I think my next step is buying a property. Not sure what, not sure where, but I know that whatever it is I am nowhere near having a down payment in my bank account. Maybe it’s a step back. Or it’s just another step forward. If this is the new step for my generation in becoming an adult then I embrace it wholeheartedly. We can’t follow in our parents’ footsteps, but we can definitely make our own. Maybe this is just what our journey looks like. 

Where Did My Dreams Go?

I didn’t write a lot of posts last year, which makes scrolling back in time and seeing where I was really easy; less to catch up on. 

Something I noticed was how immediate it was that I gave up on my dreams after starting The Job (as it will now be known). During my interview for The Job one of the guys interviewing me asked what I got my degree in and I shyly told him Film and Video studies with a focus in screenwriting. Immediately he was interested and asked if I had plans to keep pursuing that because, he said, while it was important to get people to work in this position, he had seen too many go into it with dreams and then give up on them and stay forever. He didn’t want me to be one of those people. 

At the time, as evidenced by the blog posts around when I got the job and about a month into it, I believed it I really was going to keep pursuing film and writing. And then that all ended. 

I can pinpoint the exact day that I sold my soul to The Job and that the magic in my mind disappeared (June 11, 2016). My goal was to write something every day this month but my move has gotten me away from that. I have to move back home because working 60-80 hours a week is not sustainable but if I don’t work that much I don’t enough to survive as a party of 1 who only eats 1 meal a day (I will be forever bitter that as a grown adult I, and many, many, MANY others, do not make enough money to survive but apparently we’re “entitled” or some shit). Not that moving should take up so much time and energy but I had a panic attack after packing my bookshelf today if that tells you anything. I also have to get rid of all of my furniture and kitchenware. But that’s another story. 

The good news is that once the move is all done in a few weeks I’ll have the free time to write and not stress about money. The bad news is that I’m starting a new position at The Job (not a promotion, just switching departments) which means more training and more taking up my brain than I’d like, but less time interacting with the general public which will help my sanity immensely. Seriously, people out there are crazy. I don’t understand why but they’re just insane. And perhaps the less time I spend with the public the more brain power I will have to devote to creating worlds to escape to. 

Yeah, I write sci-fi/fantasy trash. It makes me feel better. One can only spend so much time in this crazy world where half of the American population wants to kill me and/or most of my friends. 

Anyway, I don’t know exactly where my dreams went but I hope to find them again soon, because otherwise life is depressing and, honestly, I am not here for it. 

On My (lack of) a Love Life

I’ve posted about this a few times since getting divorced. It’s not that much seeing as I still don’t blog that often, but it’s still kind of embarrassing to me. Still, though, this is my blog and I can post whatever the fuck I want on it. 

I was with the Actor since I was a youngin’ in high school. I haven’t been single very long since then, about a year now almost. A year ago I was crying on my mom’s couch telling her “I think I’m going to get divorced” and she was great at holding back the I-told-you-so’s. And I have very much enjoyed my almost year alone. But I still miss the idea of having someone to be intimate with. I’m not talking sexually, though that is nice, but I mean someone you can show your entire self to and enjoy their entire self. That silly you you do in front of the mirror or when you’re home alone. It’s nice to share that with someone. Right now I just have my cat Luna who is more or less irritated by my true self and prefers it when I sit quietly and binge watch Netflix while drinking an entire bottle of wine or 6-pack of beer. I usually pass out and she has a warm, quiet place to sleep. Until I wake up. She’s furry and cute but we don’t exactly have the best conversations. 

“Are you hungry?” MEOW. “What did you do today?” MEOW. “Did you miss me?” JUST FEED ME!

Still, though, I’m not really up for actively pursuing anything at the moment. I’ve got plans for the next year that require absolute flexibility, and Luna is already enough of a challenge. I want to move out of state, preferrably to California though the low rent costs have me considering Las Vegas or the surrounding area right now. I want to quit my job and really pursue something I actually enjoy and that doesn’t turn my soul an even darker shade of black than I thought existed (customer service is a killer). 

But I haven’t given up yet on the idea of love, and maybe that’s foolish and naive of me, and maybe one day I’ll learn the hard truth but for now I’m happy believeing that maybe one day I can find someone I can be happy with and love until I breathe my last breath. 

I’ll be honest and say I would regret it if I died having never dated anyone after my ex husband, but, then again, I would be dead. What would I care? 

Maybe one day I’ll start a post with the cliche “I’ve met someone,” and maybe it’ll be several posts, or maybe just a few, or one. That’s the fun of life, though, I suppose, the adventure in all of the relationships you have with people. Right now I’m enjoying the relationship I have with myself, but I look forward to the day when I have one with a special someone else. 

Personal Goals for July 2017

All right, moving forward means I need to have a plan. Failing to plan is planning to fail they say. And I’m very good at failing to plan, which is odd because a much younger me used to plan out Christmas Day down to the minute. No lie, I wrote schedules and I put a lot of effort into them only to have them shot down as the day unfolded. Maybe that’s why I stopped planning things…

Number One: write SOMETHING every day. I doesn’t have to be for the book, although that it preferable, but it could also be a script for a video or a blog post. The important thing is I get back into the habit of writing. 

Number Two: Rejoin a gym. Let’s be honest, I liked myself a lot better when I had more muscle mass on me than less fat. Being skinny is overrated. I need to get back into lifting heavy shit. 

Number Three: Seriously try to cut back on sugar. It’s really bad for you and I have a serious addiction I need to kick. So, being more specific, only 1 cheat meal a week, and I mean it, me. Only 1. 

I think three is a good, small number, to ease me back into things. I have to take this seriously. If I ever want to be happy with what I do to pay for my food and entertainment and the small matter of a place to live then I need to put the work in now. 

Moving Forward 2017

I always feel the need to add the current year to the title because it is entirely possible for me to want to write a similar post, or at least use a similar title, in years ahead. 

After a bit of a breakdown two weeks ago at work after working 32 hours with only a 2 hour break in the middle I did a lot of soul searching. I’d been spending so much time thinking about where I was going romantically and who I was in terms of sexual attraction and gender identity/expression since getting divorced that I forgot all about my career aspirations. To be completely honest and fair with myself I had forgotten about them long before the divorce was even set into motion as that is what my current job will do to a person; kind of make them give up on other endeavors because it requires a ridiculous amount of one’s time and mental capacity. But after sacrificing my sleep (and sanity) to help out with a staffing shortage and then being yelled at for things completely beyond my control and just completely and utterly unappreciated I took a giant step back to look at where I was in life. 

Completely unhappy job wise. I couldn’t be happier being single and free to lounge about on the floor with my cat or get up and go anywhere on a whim without having to consult anyone but myself. But I don’t want to make my current job a career. It’s not hard to tell that my blog was more or less left to rot in cyberspace after I began working, as were all of my scripts and novels and filming projects. 

So, I have since picked up my iPad, flipped over its keyboard, and began working on a project I have been wanting to work on since I started this blog way back when it was knows as “Writing and Recovering”. I have begun vlogging again and making travel plans, video plans, book plans, and written out tag lines for future scripts. I have looked into getting my fitness certifications back and as soon as I get my personal training certification back I want to actually, finally, get a job as a trainer. 

Those were the things I wanted to do before I even graduated college. That was my plan, and it’s not really a bad plan, either. But being an adult is scary. All I ever knew for the majority of my life was school, so going out into the real world with actual jobs and finances and taxes was pertifying. Then the Actor and I split up which was a whole other roller coaster, and now that things are finally settling down I’m looking at places I kind of forgot existed. 

I have dedicated 2 years of hours in 1 year at my current job and I don’t have much to show for it except useless knowledge that no one outside of the work force understands. I don’t feel like I’m creating anything of value there. I’m not doing what I want to do. So, moving forward, I’m going to actually strive to do what I want to do with my life. I have to stick it out at this job for an undetermined amount of time while I work everything out, get my certifications back and work on my writing projects, and I would actually like to transfer to an office in California if a spot becomes available and I’ve saved up enough money. I’m tired of the Washington gloom. 

I’m young. I’m aware of that. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I’m also aware that I have the time to correct them, or at least move past them. I know I’ll make more mistakes in life. That’s inevitable, but I can’t keep making the mistake of putting myself into situations that are not what I want. I only get this one life. I need to do with it what I want to do. 

IUD Diva no More

3 years ago I posted this about switching from the pill to an IUD and my experience with the insertion.

Well, today I got it removed. The IUD I had inserted in 2014 was called the Skyla, an IUD specifically designed for women who have never had children, therefore smaller, with less hormones, and less time to leave it in; it’s only good for 3 years.

The process was exceedingly simple. My sleepy mind, however, made it a little difficult.

Some context: I work the graveyard shift at work so I’m not home and in bed going to sleep until around 0430-0500. My appointment was at 0930, which meant I only got a few hours of sleep. And I also never go to the doctor so I don’t know how that all works. I checked in, paid what I think was my copay (they asked if I had one, I said I think so, they asked how much, and I said a number that sounded right). Then I walked into the OB/GYN area and the two receptionist ladies were busy so I just sat down. After a minute one of them asked me suddenly if I had an appointment, the hidden context being if I didn’t I needed to GTFO and why hadn’t I checked in with them when I walked in.

I don’t have the time or the money to get a certified copy of my divorce decree-thing so for the time being I still have my ex’s last name, which prompted the receptionist lady to ask me if I had any relation to my ex-mother-in-law. But, stupid tired me didn’t even realize who that was when they said her name. My brain just went, “all of your relatives are in Montana or north Seattle so no one down here knows who you are” and I said “NO” quite certainly and didn’t even put it together until I was in my little exam room.

Other than my mental embarrassment that no one knows about but me and now the entire internet, the removal took half the time the insertion took. And honestly the most painful part were the speculums. She grabbed the strings, pulled quick like ripping off a bandaid and it was done. I felt nothing. I had the tiniest cramps immediately after for maybe 20 seconds and it was done.

And now I’m currently on nothing. I want to see how my body functions hormone-free. And since I don’t plan on having any male partners for the rest of my life, pregnancy isn’t a concern, which is something they had a really hard time understanding and really made sure to drive the point home that I now am, in fact, fertile.

Will I ever get one again? I might. I get really bad periods, or I used to. In the last 3 years I had maybe 4 periods total that were barely anything. If I get my pass-out painful periods again I’ll have to go back on Skyla (assuming women can still obtain birth control in a few months but that’s another story), but if not I think I’m good letting my body be and taking ibuprofen if I need to. I really recommend it, though. If you’re thinking of getting one don’t be scared by all of the horror stories. I had the best experience on mine and won’t be upset if I have to get a second one.

Change in Plans

It’s late as I write this. Or early? Midnight is more my lunch time now. I work graveyard at my job now so I’m usually up until 4 or 5 am. I’m currently on vacation though, so I’m debating on watching more J-Drama trash or going to bed and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Every now and then I like to look back at what I was doing this month a year ago, two years ago, etc., and I usually do that on my twitter or tumblr or on this blog and while I was doing that for February I realized I never really updated any of you on my blog on what’s going on in my life. I have been neglecting this outlet and I think I need to get back to it. It kind of kept me sane during my recovery and I’m needing a way to stay sane now.

In November the Actor and I split. I took a quick two day vacation and he moved in with his parents and I drew up the divorce papers. Now, almost 4 months later the separation is almost finally complete and the divorce is nearing finalization. I’ve spent my first two days on vacation packing up the things he’d left at my apartment and now have several large boxes sitting in my dining room waiting for him to pick up.

Don’t be sad. This split was 100% for the best. He was in love with someone else, I was not in love with him and quite frankly tired of pulling all the weight. I know I’d hinted at it a little bit in my posts, but I was always the one working, paying about 80% of the bills, keeping track of everything, and ensuring we had everything on the right track. And in all of that I lost myself.

What little bit of me that was emerging in high school disappeared after we got married. The high school boy I’d fallen in love with was gone. Or rather, he was still a boy when I needed him to be a man.

And of course, the cherry on top of all of this: I’m not even into men. The signs couldn’t have been plainer and I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to figure this out: why I spent 8 years with a man when I’m gay. But I’ve figured it out.

So, whatever I’d been planning for my future in the past was thrown out the window long ago and I honestly couldn’t be happier. Now I’m able to embrace myself fully and become myself and have no one else to worry about but myself. Well, myself and Luna, who has taken all of this extremely well. It’s such a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone else anymore. It’s nice knowing that the money I make and slave to make is mine and mine alone, and that I’m slaving for it for myself and not because I’m trying to support two people on one income.

I’m not entirely sure what my future holds right now. I’m comfortable in my job. I’ve got a few more months before I can move to a smaller place and save up some more money for more travels. Whatever happens from now on though, I know I can face it as myself and that I’m so much happier than I was even in 2013, or 2009.