IUD Diva no More

3 years ago I posted this about switching from the pill to an IUD and my experience with the insertion.

Well, today I got it removed. The IUD I had inserted in 2014 was called the Skyla, an IUD specifically designed for women who have never had children, therefore smaller, with less hormones, and less time to leave it in; it’s only good for 3 years.

The process was exceedingly simple. My sleepy mind, however, made it a little difficult.

Some context: I work the graveyard shift at work so I’m not home and in bed going to sleep until around 0430-0500. My appointment was at 0930, which meant I only got a few hours of sleep. And I also never go to the doctor so I don’t know how that all works. I checked in, paid what I think was my copay (they asked if I had one, I said I think so, they asked how much, and I said a number that sounded right). Then I walked into the OB/GYN area and the two receptionist ladies were busy so I just sat down. After a minute one of them asked me suddenly if I had an appointment, the hidden context being if I didn’t I needed to GTFO and why hadn’t I checked in with them when I walked in.

I don’t have the time or the money to get a certified copy of my divorce decree-thing so for the time being I still have my ex’s last name, which prompted the receptionist lady to ask me if I had any relation to my ex-mother-in-law. But, stupid tired me didn’t even realize who that was when they said her name. My brain just went, “all of your relatives are in Montana or north Seattle so no one down here knows who you are” and I said “NO” quite certainly and didn’t even put it together until I was in my little exam room.

Other than my mental embarrassment that no one knows about but me and now the entire internet, the removal took half the time the insertion took. And honestly the most painful part were the speculums. She grabbed the strings, pulled quick like ripping off a bandaid and it was done. I felt nothing. I had the tiniest cramps immediately after for maybe 20 seconds and it was done.

And now I’m currently on nothing. I want to see how my body functions hormone-free. And since I don’t plan on having any male partners for the rest of my life, pregnancy isn’t a concern, which is something they had a really hard time understanding and really made sure to drive the point home that I now am, in fact, fertile.

Will I ever get one again? I might. I get really bad periods, or I used to. In the last 3 years I had maybe 4 periods total that were barely anything. If I get my pass-out painful periods again I’ll have to go back on Skyla (assuming women can still obtain birth control in a few months but that’s another story), but if not I think I’m good letting my body be and taking ibuprofen if I need to. I really recommend it, though. If you’re thinking of getting one don’t be scared by all of the horror stories. I had the best experience on mine and won’t be upset if I have to get a second one.

Change in Plans

It’s late as I write this. Or early? Midnight is more my lunch time now. I work graveyard at my job now so I’m usually up until 4 or 5 am. I’m currently on vacation though, so I’m debating on watching more J-Drama trash or going to bed and staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Every now and then I like to look back at what I was doing this month a year ago, two years ago, etc., and I usually do that on my twitter or tumblr or on this blog and while I was doing that for February I realized I never really updated any of you on my blog on what’s going on in my life. I have been neglecting this outlet and I think I need to get back to it. It kind of kept me sane during my recovery and I’m needing a way to stay sane now.

In November the Actor and I split. I took a quick two day vacation and he moved in with his parents and I drew up the divorce papers. Now, almost 4 months later the separation is almost finally complete and the divorce is nearing finalization. I’ve spent my first two days on vacation packing up the things he’d left at my apartment and now have several large boxes sitting in my dining room waiting for him to pick up.

Don’t be sad. This split was 100% for the best. He was in love with someone else, I was not in love with him and quite frankly tired of pulling all the weight. I know I’d hinted at it a little bit in my posts, but I was always the one working, paying about 80% of the bills, keeping track of everything, and ensuring we had everything on the right track. And in all of that I lost myself.

What little bit of me that was emerging in high school disappeared after we got married. The high school boy I’d fallen in love with was gone. Or rather, he was still a boy when I needed him to be a man.

And of course, the cherry on top of all of this: I’m not even into men. The signs couldn’t have been plainer and I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to figure this out: why I spent 8 years with a man when I’m gay. But I’ve figured it out.

So, whatever I’d been planning for my future in the past was thrown out the window long ago and I honestly couldn’t be happier. Now I’m able to embrace myself fully and become myself and have no one else to worry about but myself. Well, myself and Luna, who has taken all of this extremely well. It’s such a nice feeling knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone else anymore. It’s nice knowing that the money I make and slave to make is mine and mine alone, and that I’m slaving for it for myself and not because I’m trying to support two people on one income.

I’m not entirely sure what my future holds right now. I’m comfortable in my job. I’ve got a few more months before I can move to a smaller place and save up some more money for more travels. Whatever happens from now on though, I know I can face it as myself and that I’m so much happier than I was even in 2013, or 2009.

Happy Christmas

Is 2016 over yet?

I have been doing nothing but working my butt off since April. My average week consists of 5-6 work days at 10-16 hours each day. Thursday night into Friday I have 6 hours between shifts so I got about 3 hours of sleep and had to work 16 hours on Friday. Suffice it to say I. Am. Exhausted.

But other than working a lot, I had been looking forward to Christmas, and since I have to work Christmas Day, my family had Christmas today.

It’s not the first year we’ve done it on Christmas Eve, but it’s the first we’ve done it out of necessity instead of excitement and impatience. I slept for about 12 hours, got up, worked out, then headed over to my mom’s.

My angsty teenage little brother sat on the couch glued to his phone while my mom and I ate pizza and caught up and then we opened gifts.

I don’t like that as we grow older the magic in our lives just disappears. Christmas used to be a sparkly, warm, magical time that I like to relive in classic movies and perfect photographs, but in reality it’s not the same as it was when we were 3. The little bit that’s left is in those traditions. Pizza as our Christmas dinner, watching A Christmas Story on repeat on TBS, watching the Disney Christmas Parade (I was there for the filming this year!!!), and eating cinnamon rolls for Christmas breakfast (mine are in the fridge waiting for morning).

No, Christmas isn’t the same as when I was 3, but 20 years later I’m still in love with the colorful lights, the movies and food, the traditions, and of course getting to spend time with my family and friends. I can’t believe how many people think of me to wish a Happy Christmas to and even get me a gift.

I hope that you all have a happy Christmas and take a moment to just breathe in the moments you’re spending with family.

Updates on Me

The month is over already! I’ve been in station at my new job for a month. I sliced open my hand. Luna is doing much better on her inhaler. Life is reaching a point where I can relax and take care of things I need without worrying too much. The hand thing threw me for a loop but all is well.

IMG_3584

That picture is from about a week ago now. I got my stitches out today and they put steri strips over it because it wasn’t completely fused together. In a few days those will just fall off on their own and I should be good to go.

I had to put my workouts on hold, but I was able to finish Crush at Home again. I haven’t started it over because I found out that their new program is coming out on the 10th so I’ve been doing Zumba every day to keep active, plus I don’t have to grab anything or put pressure on my hand which is what I need for now.

My job is going well. It’s definitely a keeper so I don’t think I’ll need to start a hunt again soon. I think I just need to settle into my schedule and get my butt back into writing. That project I was excited about months ago was put way back on the back burner and I need to pick it up again.

I won’t pretend I’ve been super positive and happy this past week. It was stressful being allowed to go back to work after my hand and then other things have been crazy. But all in all things have been getting better and I’m making it through every day okay.

Reconnecting

I’m gonna be honest.

Not that I’ve ever lied on here that I know of. Maybe about my intake when I recovering. Sorry, guys.

Anyway, since graduating from college I’ve been a constant ball of anxiety and depression. I thought I had a good paying job, but they let me go without notice. Then, I thought I found something ok but the pay was too little for the amount of work I was doing and the hours were way too few. I played phone and email tag with another job for months before I finally got a response. But now, everything has come together. I am about to finish my in class training and start on the job training on Saturday. It’s good pay, it’s what I want to be doing for work while I develop my writing and other projects, and it’s something that I can stay at for many years if I have to/want to.

It took 4 and a half months but I finally made it. I’m finally an adult and I can finally get my stuff in order. Since my job hunt was so long and stressful I kind of let my diet fall to the side. If I was stressed and wanted junk I had it. My waistline has suffered a little bit. I still work out, but you know what they say: you can’t out exercise a bad diet. So this week I have kicked my diet back into gear. Every morning I eat oatmeal in some flavor and bring tea to work. I meal prepped a bunch of amazing salads on Sunday that I’ve been having for lunches at work, and when I get home I eat dinner with protein and veggies, work out, and finish my night with banana ice cream.

My diet is back in check, and I’m getting more passionately back into veganism. I did slip up a few times with dairy but never meat. Now I’m back 100%. My stressful times are not an excuse to promote animal suffering by eating animal products, but I know better now and am moving on from my mistake. Next time things get rough I have a plan and know what to do.

I am reconnecting with my body and my mind by taking care of my health and getting back into my creative goals. I have a job that will help us with our expenses tremendously. Now it’s my turn to focus back on my dreams. In my spare time of course.

This is my life. I’m not going to waste it.

What am I Worth

Yesterday I had to go shopping for professional clothes, and a dressing room I was in had a mirror in the front and in the back so you could see all angles. I noticed some extra rolls under my bra strap on my back in between trying on blouses and blazers and completely and utterly broke down.

In 6 years of my recovery I have not learned how to judge my worth on anything other than my body’s size.

I’ll admit that my life has gotten incredibly stressful in these past few months. All of my clothes still fit perfectly, so I didn’t notice until I saw the reflection. And the question is, if my clothes still fit fine, my measurements are normal, my heart rate is still low, why is this a problem?

Like I said, because I still base my value on how much I weigh and how much fat I have.

Eating a normal amount was a struggle. Learning what to eat, how much to eat, how much to exercise, what I like, those were all struggles, but I overcame them. The biggest struggle of all is accepting myself as who I am exactly how I look.

But I’m not going to just sit back and let this keep happening. I’ve been doing it since I was a little girl. Enough is enough. I have a college degree, a real adult job, a fur child, my own apartment and car. I cannot carry this burden throughout my entire life. It has to stop and it’s stopping now.

Considering I’ve been actively fighting it for 6 years I know it’s not going to be easy but I have hit my breaking point. This is the last hold Ana has on me and it’s time to say goodbye to that bitch for good.

#cut out toxic people 2016

March in Review

Yet again another month has flown by and this one was a lot better than the first two months of 2016. I quit my barista job, which left on a note that just confirmed I was making the right decision, as just hours later I got offered my dream-job-to-work-while-I-try-to-land-my-actual-dream-job job. That doesn’t start until the middle of April, so for now I’m in training at a call center and will be leaving before I actually have to take any calls, which is good, because I don’t really want people to be yelling at me over the phone all the time.

I go to work at 2 and don’t get off until 11 which kind of sucks, but I get 40 hours per week instead of being scheduled for 40 but really only getting 37 1/2 hours because of unpaid lunch breaks which I appreciate. And, if I weren’t going to the other job, this one isn’t terrible in terms of how they treat employees and their opportunities and benefits. But I’m moving on to a much better job.

Other than jobs I have gotten a bit more work done in my writing project, took a day trip to Portland last week, and Luna is feeling much better!