24 Lessons in 24 Years

My birthday is coming up, and I was going to make this into a video but I talk too much so I’m typing it out instead. Here are 24 things I have learned in life so far:

1. Self love is underrated. Seriously, love yourself. You are awesome. 

2. I am worth more than a number despite being constantly assigned one. Grades, age, school ID, work ID, telephone, customer number, rewards member ID, weight, etc. That’s a lot so it sounds like the logic is against me but fuck it.

3. The world is incredibly cruel.

4. Animal love is so pure. Your pets love you and they are angelic beings.

5. Don’t stay in a relationship after it’s run it’s course. If you don’t love the person anymore, do everyone a favor and leave no matter how painful. It’s even more painful to stay in it for all parties involved. 

6. Don’t stay in a relationship because you think the kids need both parents. It’s much harder on the kids to be in an environment where their parents dislike each other. Separate/divorce, figure out visiting schedules, and let your kids see both of you in a happier situation. Seriously. My life was greatly improved when my parents finally separated 6 years after they told me they were going to.

7. I can function way better on 0 sleep for 3 days than I thought. I also don’t appreciate that I’ve learned this fact. 

8. Despite being told for 18 years there is more to life than school.

9. Also college was 100% different than what all of my teachers told me. Professors cancelled class because they were sick or tired. One of them didn’t even care what way we used to cite our sources, just as long as it made sense. A lot of the times class was outside in a circle in the grass. Tests were way easier than I anticipated. High school lied to me.

10. Always be true to yourself. and I wish I learned this earlier than I did.

11. It is 100% ok to be yourself.

12. Some people wont appreciate you for being yourself and that’s ok.

13. Not everyone will like you

14. It’s not your job to make them like you.

15. Failure is inevitable. So fail at something you like.

16. Most people don’t know how to not take their bad day out on you. I learned this from spending WAY too much time in customer service. As a customer service worker part of your job description is to stand there and be berated and then help them anyway. Which is why I sucked at it. You yell at me and I am done helping you. Next customer please.

17. Cliques exist outside of the high school cafeteria 

18. Food does not fix everything

19. Alcohol might. (I’m joking… maybe)

20. Despite what your brain says you’re probably not the most disgusting human being alive.

21. It’s not fun to suffer alone (mental illness)

22. Water is magical

23. Dancing is incredibly freeing.

24. Someone out there loves you

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Jade is Back

That’s such a weird thing to say, but as I was walking to my office yesterday after grabbing my obligatory cup of coffee I realized that I haven’t felt like myself in a long time. 

I’d like to believe part of this is because I keep modifying my physical appearance. I’ve been lifting weights religiously again and have gained back muscle mass a lot faster than I’d expected to.

But also I dyed my hair Saturday morning. 

It looks like my head is on fire and I am here for it. It was completely an accident and I’ll be uploading a vlog about the process (or lack thereof) later. One of my friends at work does hair and he came up to me seriously asking how I did it because it looks like I foiled it but I really just don’t know what I’m doing. 

And maybe it’s because I’m leaving my toxic job on Friday. I don’t know if I’ll like my new job, but it gets me out of customer service which is what I need right now. 

I lost a lot of myself when I started my current job with all the hours I was working and also with the divorce. I was this robot of sleep, work, work, maybe sleep, work, eat(?), work, sleep, work. But something about dyeing your hair and finding a workout routine that fits you that just makes you feel like yourself. 

Hair is just magical. Whenever I do something to it I feel like myself again. 

It’s good to be back. 

What I Learned from My Divorce

To begin, I’m no relationship expert. I’m a lesbian who has dated 2 men fairly seriously (one seriously enough to end up married to) and like one girl not really… It was interesting. But, that doesn’t mean I didn’t learn some valuable things from my divorce from the Actor. 

The biggest one has to be this: never let a person get in the way of your future. I don’t care how much you love them, at the end of the day your career can’t say they’re tired of you and leave. Sure you can get fired but your passion never leaves you. A person can. Going into my marriage I had this nagging feeling that I was going to end up taking care of everything and putting my dreams on the back burner so that the Actor could do what he wanted. It was a self fulfilling prophecy because you can guess what happened: I ended up working my long ass weeks and putting my writing aside so the Actor could try to go to auditions in Seattle. It only made me resent him more. If you find yourself, or think you’re going to find yourself, in a situation where you’re putting away your dreams and your future for another person LEAVE. No relationship is worth abandoning your goals. My challenge now will be finding someone I can be with while working on my goals. Maybe they even support me, that would be cool. 

Alongside not abandoning your goals for a person is don’t abandon yourself for a person. The Actor and I are still friends to this day. Our divorce was more than amicable. Just the other day he told me that looking back it almost looks like I was in drag with my long hair and sad attempts at makeup to fit into the cis hetero married housewife world I was trying to fit myself into. Since separating and getting divorced I have explored and accepted myself as the non-binary homosexual human that I am, and I love it. I cannot even begin to explain how free and happy I’ve felt since allowing myself to be authentically me. I couldn’t do that when I was married. I was playing housewife with my long brown hair and dresses. Right now I have several flannels and suspenders in my closet and am in the process of dying my hair orange. And it goes way beyond my appearance. Even though I am greatly enjoying the single life I have taken some time to flirt with the ladies. 

Relationships, marriage, and children are not the be all, end all goals of life. None of those things are for everyone. I knew when I was 14 that I didn’t want to have kids ever, and I’ve learned that a relationship doesn’t define who you are or your worth. Love is possibly one of the greatest things a human can do, but love comes in many different forms. Friendships, family, pets, not just a significant other. 

Long story short: don’t let a relationship define you, take away from who you are, or take away from your future. You and all of your dreams absolutely come first. 

Do I regret getting married? yes and no. I missed out on a lot in high school and college pretending to be perfect miss housewife who also was the breadwinner providing for the husband so he could chase his dream. There are a lot of experiences I missed and people who are only acquaintences who I feel I could have been deeper friends with had I had the time to develop those friendships instead of working and making sure our future was in order. But I also appreciate the lessons I learned from it. And in the end, I had an adventure, that’s what matters. 

Step Back to Go Forward

Sometimes you have to take a step backward to go forward.

Today I joined the ranks of many others my age and moved back home. After living in my own place for 4 years, 3 of those shared with my ex, I finally burnt out, broke down, and moved home. It’s not because I want to avoid being an adult. While that is not a false statement, I moved back home due to financial hardship. I’ve mentioned this several times on here that I had to work 60-80 hour weeks in order to make ends meet in a one bedroom apartment in a suburban area. I have been eating one meal a day and then upsetting my stomach with enough espresso shots to ward off hunger of any other meals a normal human would require. Over 50% of my income without working extra hours was going to rent. I can’t even begin to talk about how unacceptable that is, because I know I’m not the only one. 

It is exceedingly strange to be back in my childhood bedroom as a twenty-something divorced adult. Luna has taken to it rather well this time. I had brought her to the house once before so the complex could do a preliminary inspection of the apartment without a cat getting in their way and she spent all of her time underneath my bed. It only took her a few hours today before she emerged from under the sofa to explore the house. So far I think she is quite pleased, although there are still some slight fur remnants of my first late fur child, Sweetie, who left us last summer, that Luna is smelling. 

I have set up my room in a weird child/adult hybrid. I’ve fit the bookshelf back where it was before but the contents have changed somewhat. The bedroom decorations have gone from torn out magazine pages of Demi Lovato, Ashely Tisdale, and Vanessa Hudgens, to white string lights and my pride flag. I do have a Harry Potter poster from college I’ll probably add to that, but it’s been a long day and I’m ready to veg out for a few hours. I worked out first thing in the morning, showered, and immediately began packing, moving, and unpacking, and then sat down to write this. It’s been about 12 hours since I woke up. And I have to go to work tomorrow. 

On the bright side, this is temporary. I will be able to put away 50% of my paycheck every month, actually eat food again, maybe take a few trips, maybe actually hang out with friends (after I get friends), and I think my next step is buying a property. Not sure what, not sure where, but I know that whatever it is I am nowhere near having a down payment in my bank account. Maybe it’s a step back. Or it’s just another step forward. If this is the new step for my generation in becoming an adult then I embrace it wholeheartedly. We can’t follow in our parents’ footsteps, but we can definitely make our own. Maybe this is just what our journey looks like. 

Where Did My Dreams Go?

I didn’t write a lot of posts last year, which makes scrolling back in time and seeing where I was really easy; less to catch up on. 

Something I noticed was how immediate it was that I gave up on my dreams after starting The Job (as it will now be known). During my interview for The Job one of the guys interviewing me asked what I got my degree in and I shyly told him Film and Video studies with a focus in screenwriting. Immediately he was interested and asked if I had plans to keep pursuing that because, he said, while it was important to get people to work in this position, he had seen too many go into it with dreams and then give up on them and stay forever. He didn’t want me to be one of those people. 

At the time, as evidenced by the blog posts around when I got the job and about a month into it, I believed it I really was going to keep pursuing film and writing. And then that all ended. 

I can pinpoint the exact day that I sold my soul to The Job and that the magic in my mind disappeared (June 11, 2016). My goal was to write something every day this month but my move has gotten me away from that. I have to move back home because working 60-80 hours a week is not sustainable but if I don’t work that much I don’t enough to survive as a party of 1 who only eats 1 meal a day (I will be forever bitter that as a grown adult I, and many, many, MANY others, do not make enough money to survive but apparently we’re “entitled” or some shit). Not that moving should take up so much time and energy but I had a panic attack after packing my bookshelf today if that tells you anything. I also have to get rid of all of my furniture and kitchenware. But that’s another story. 

The good news is that once the move is all done in a few weeks I’ll have the free time to write and not stress about money. The bad news is that I’m starting a new position at The Job (not a promotion, just switching departments) which means more training and more taking up my brain than I’d like, but less time interacting with the general public which will help my sanity immensely. Seriously, people out there are crazy. I don’t understand why but they’re just insane. And perhaps the less time I spend with the public the more brain power I will have to devote to creating worlds to escape to. 

Yeah, I write sci-fi/fantasy trash. It makes me feel better. One can only spend so much time in this crazy world where half of the American population wants to kill me and/or most of my friends. 

Anyway, I don’t know exactly where my dreams went but I hope to find them again soon, because otherwise life is depressing and, honestly, I am not here for it. 

On My (lack of) a Love Life

I’ve posted about this a few times since getting divorced. It’s not that much seeing as I still don’t blog that often, but it’s still kind of embarrassing to me. Still, though, this is my blog and I can post whatever the fuck I want on it. 

I was with the Actor since I was a youngin’ in high school. I haven’t been single very long since then, about a year now almost. A year ago I was crying on my mom’s couch telling her “I think I’m going to get divorced” and she was great at holding back the I-told-you-so’s. And I have very much enjoyed my almost year alone. But I still miss the idea of having someone to be intimate with. I’m not talking sexually, though that is nice, but I mean someone you can show your entire self to and enjoy their entire self. That silly you you do in front of the mirror or when you’re home alone. It’s nice to share that with someone. Right now I just have my cat Luna who is more or less irritated by my true self and prefers it when I sit quietly and binge watch Netflix while drinking an entire bottle of wine or 6-pack of beer. I usually pass out and she has a warm, quiet place to sleep. Until I wake up. She’s furry and cute but we don’t exactly have the best conversations. 

“Are you hungry?” MEOW. “What did you do today?” MEOW. “Did you miss me?” JUST FEED ME!

Still, though, I’m not really up for actively pursuing anything at the moment. I’ve got plans for the next year that require absolute flexibility, and Luna is already enough of a challenge. I want to move out of state, preferrably to California though the low rent costs have me considering Las Vegas or the surrounding area right now. I want to quit my job and really pursue something I actually enjoy and that doesn’t turn my soul an even darker shade of black than I thought existed (customer service is a killer). 

But I haven’t given up yet on the idea of love, and maybe that’s foolish and naive of me, and maybe one day I’ll learn the hard truth but for now I’m happy believeing that maybe one day I can find someone I can be happy with and love until I breathe my last breath. 

I’ll be honest and say I would regret it if I died having never dated anyone after my ex husband, but, then again, I would be dead. What would I care? 

Maybe one day I’ll start a post with the cliche “I’ve met someone,” and maybe it’ll be several posts, or maybe just a few, or one. That’s the fun of life, though, I suppose, the adventure in all of the relationships you have with people. Right now I’m enjoying the relationship I have with myself, but I look forward to the day when I have one with a special someone else. 

Personal Goals for July 2017

All right, moving forward means I need to have a plan. Failing to plan is planning to fail they say. And I’m very good at failing to plan, which is odd because a much younger me used to plan out Christmas Day down to the minute. No lie, I wrote schedules and I put a lot of effort into them only to have them shot down as the day unfolded. Maybe that’s why I stopped planning things…

Number One: write SOMETHING every day. I doesn’t have to be for the book, although that it preferable, but it could also be a script for a video or a blog post. The important thing is I get back into the habit of writing. 

Number Two: Rejoin a gym. Let’s be honest, I liked myself a lot better when I had more muscle mass on me than less fat. Being skinny is overrated. I need to get back into lifting heavy shit. 

Number Three: Seriously try to cut back on sugar. It’s really bad for you and I have a serious addiction I need to kick. So, being more specific, only 1 cheat meal a week, and I mean it, me. Only 1. 

I think three is a good, small number, to ease me back into things. I have to take this seriously. If I ever want to be happy with what I do to pay for my food and entertainment and the small matter of a place to live then I need to put the work in now.