I Didn’t Sign Up for This

I’ve been working 40 hours a week since last week. I’ve never done that before, it’s been an adjustment. Especially since my schedule is 2pm-11pm and my bedtime is 10pm. So my blogging/vlogging schedule has been thrown off a lot. But the good news is that I picked up my last paycheck from my last job so I’m officially done with that noise.

When I was 12 my friends and I tried really hard to figure out a way we could get to Never Never Land so that we could never grow up. I think they were just playing but I was dead serious. But now here I am, working a full time adult job, raising a fur child, and overall just getting my life in order.

But then I think, this is it. I have my little crafts and my book that I’m working on, but those are small projects. I am 22 and have maybe 60 years left and I have to spend those 60 years working a full time job to pay bills that will never end? Money isn’t even real! None of this is real.

I’ve also gained 8 pounds since December, and I still stake my worth on my weight so I’m feeling freaking fantastic.

I’m not doing what I want to do with my life, I don’t want to work this job (hopefully I’ll be quitting in a few days for a better job, just waiting to hear back after the background check and drug screening. Since I don’t do any drugs or have committed any crimes I know I’m fine it’s just the waiting game), I don’t want to spend 40 hours a week sitting. I need to move. A lot. But I also don’t want to go back to food service.

In case this nonsensical post wasn’t enough of a giveaway, I’m freaking out. I don’t think I am qualified to be an adult. I didn’t ask to be an adult. How is this my life for the next 60-ish years?

I wrote a lot when I was a kid because it helped with my anxiety. Now I have even more anxiety and way less time to write. And the anxiety/depression mixture takes away any motivation I have to write because in my head I should be using free time to find a part time job to go on top of my full time one so that I can make enough money to pay all of my expenses and put a good amount away and have money to spend on food when I hang out with my best friend. And I need to have a few hours to work out so that I can lose those stupid 8 pounds.

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I want to be a child forever because I am a child but I can’t and it’s freaking me out.

Disordered for Life

I got my body fat percentage measured last Saturday. It turns out I’ve got a lot more fat on me than I thought.

And I thought it wouldn’t bother me. I thought, well I’ll just focus on gaining muscle. It’ll be fine.

But then what the trainer said just started to eat away at my brain. “For health reasons you want to be about 2% lower at minimum,” is approximately what he said. Which means I’m chubby. Which means that no matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough.

But I don’t know how to lose weight. Because I’ve been trying to lose weight for years and I never seem to actually be able to do it. I mean, I’ve lost 10 pounds since January which is nice for me since I only weighed ~120. It rounds out to less than a pound a month, though, and aren’t you supposed to lose ~1 lb/week? How do you do that?

My goal for the start of 2016 was to bulk up, but now I think I need to lose more weight. About 5 pounds. Maybe 10. But odds are all that I’ll lose will be muscle and end up at a higher body fat percentage than before, so I’m freaking out.

It’s a stupid thing to freak out about but I’m freaking out nonetheless.

Have I so permanently destroyed my metabolism that I can never lose fat? My nutritionist said I was fatter than she expected when I was in outpatient care. The trainer said I wasn’t that tiny when I was diagnosed with anorexia.

And here I am, over 5 years since the start of my recovery, and I feel no better off now than I was back then. I don’t know anything. I know that to be healthy, with my family’s random unexplained heart issue, I need to get down in body fat, but I don’t know how to do that and it’s extremely upsetting.

What Now?

(This is kind of a thinking out loud post)

I didn’t go out and celebrate last night. I saw the last play of the year at my university, went over to a friend’s and listened to them shout about the theater department, and then I walked home in the ice and snow and somehow only slipped once. I studied my Japanese until I was too tired to think and went to sleep.

But not before completely freaking out.

Buzzfeed had a thing on Snapchat about what our student loans could pay for. 353 day passes to Disneyland, a cruise around the world twice, etc. And here I am with a degree I don’t even know what to do with.

I realized the other day what I want to do with my life, but it’s not very lucrative, and I keep thinking I need to find something else I can be at least semi happy with while making a lot of money. And then I think, well, you have to chase your dreams. But I have to live, too.

My new apartment costs twice as much as the one I’m in now. For twice the size and extra amenities, yes, but it’s still money. I have to start paying off my student loans soon. My new job is only scheduling me for 16hrs/week currently and for some reason won’t accept that I’ve updated my availability to 24/7.

Someone asked me the other when I’m supposed to start applying for “real” jobs that pertain to my degree. I’m a film major. I’m basically screwed. But I would have been just as screwed if I kept my English major. At least I got to watch movies for homework instead of reading ridiculously old books.

My whole life has been me trying and giving up at things. The only things I ever succeeded in turned out to be life threatening.

I don’t know what I want. I mean, I do, but my anxiety right now has more power over me than my desire to reach my goals. I keep thinking I should get on meds, but I need money for that because my insurance is terrible, and I need a job for money.

I know what I want. I want to know what it’s like to be normal and not have mental disorders run absolutely everything you do.

Lovely Anxiety

This doesn’t really mean anything, I just wanted to blog about it.

I saw an info graphic on stress and how to reduce it just a minute ago. Every thing it included I already do, with the exception of reiki because there isn’t a center nearby, but I would totally love to try that, and I still end up with lots of stress. Well, duh, you might be saying, you have anxiety. You were clinically diagnosed with anxiety and spent about six months in therapy for it. Yes, this is true, but it wasn’t until I saw that graphic that the reality of that really hit me. I know I suffer from anxiety. I deal with it on a daily basis so it’s not something I can ignore or forget about, but for some reason it didn’t really feel real until just now. I didn’t really recognize that this is something different about myself from others until right now.

I will probably deal with this for a while. I am currently not in therapy probably because I have anxiety about getting back into it and I feel like since the quarter has started I have missed my chance to call and see a therapist so maybe next quarter. I also want to try this without therapy a little while longer, but I haven’t kept up what my last therapist had me doing so I know that’s not helping me much and I need to fix that.

The good news is that this quarter is much better than Winter or Spring. I am currently dealing with a teeny tiny head cold and I am just happy it is not as bad as the colds I got when I was working breakfast were. Anxiety + lack of sleep = the worst colds you’ll ever have in your life. I seriously thought I was dying a couple times. I should be completely better by Wednesday, and even now I just have slight congestion. My classes are going well so far, too, and I love my coworkers this quarter. I usually do, but we spend the entire shift laughing.

I hope I can work through this more. I can usually identify what is causing the anxiety but that rarely makes it go away because then I get anxious for worrying about something so silly. I need to come up with a name for Anxiety like I had for Ana… Any suggestions?