Yesterday I had to go shopping for professional clothes, and a dressing room I was in had a mirror in the front and in the back so you could see all angles. I noticed some extra rolls under my bra strap on my back in between trying on blouses and blazers and completely and utterly broke down.
In 6 years of my recovery I have not learned how to judge my worth on anything other than my body’s size.
I’ll admit that my life has gotten incredibly stressful in these past few months. All of my clothes still fit perfectly, so I didn’t notice until I saw the reflection. And the question is, if my clothes still fit fine, my measurements are normal, my heart rate is still low, why is this a problem?
Like I said, because I still base my value on how much I weigh and how much fat I have.
Eating a normal amount was a struggle. Learning what to eat, how much to eat, how much to exercise, what I like, those were all struggles, but I overcame them. The biggest struggle of all is accepting myself as who I am exactly how I look.
But I’m not going to just sit back and let this keep happening. I’ve been doing it since I was a little girl. Enough is enough. I have a college degree, a real adult job, a fur child, my own apartment and car. I cannot carry this burden throughout my entire life. It has to stop and it’s stopping now.
Considering I’ve been actively fighting it for 6 years I know it’s not going to be easy but I have hit my breaking point. This is the last hold Ana has on me and it’s time to say goodbye to that bitch for good.
#cut out toxic people 2016