I Didn’t Sign Up for This

I’ve been working 40 hours a week since last week. I’ve never done that before, it’s been an adjustment. Especially since my schedule is 2pm-11pm and my bedtime is 10pm. So my blogging/vlogging schedule has been thrown off a lot. But the good news is that I picked up my last paycheck from my last job so I’m officially done with that noise.

When I was 12 my friends and I tried really hard to figure out a way we could get to Never Never Land so that we could never grow up. I think they were just playing but I was dead serious. But now here I am, working a full time adult job, raising a fur child, and overall just getting my life in order.

But then I think, this is it. I have my little crafts and my book that I’m working on, but those are small projects. I am 22 and have maybe 60 years left and I have to spend those 60 years working a full time job to pay bills that will never end? Money isn’t even real! None of this is real.

I’ve also gained 8 pounds since December, and I still stake my worth on my weight so I’m feeling freaking fantastic.

I’m not doing what I want to do with my life, I don’t want to work this job (hopefully I’ll be quitting in a few days for a better job, just waiting to hear back after the background check and drug screening. Since I don’t do any drugs or have committed any crimes I know I’m fine it’s just the waiting game), I don’t want to spend 40 hours a week sitting. I need to move. A lot. But I also don’t want to go back to food service.

In case this nonsensical post wasn’t enough of a giveaway, I’m freaking out. I don’t think I am qualified to be an adult. I didn’t ask to be an adult. How is this my life for the next 60-ish years?

I wrote a lot when I was a kid because it helped with my anxiety. Now I have even more anxiety and way less time to write. And the anxiety/depression mixture takes away any motivation I have to write because in my head I should be using free time to find a part time job to go on top of my full time one so that I can make enough money to pay all of my expenses and put a good amount away and have money to spend on food when I hang out with my best friend. And I need to have a few hours to work out so that I can lose those stupid 8 pounds.

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I want to be a child forever because I am a child but I can’t and it’s freaking me out.

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