Disordered for Life

I got my body fat percentage measured last Saturday. It turns out I’ve got a lot more fat on me than I thought.

And I thought it wouldn’t bother me. I thought, well I’ll just focus on gaining muscle. It’ll be fine.

But then what the trainer said just started to eat away at my brain. “For health reasons you want to be about 2% lower at minimum,” is approximately what he said. Which means I’m chubby. Which means that no matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough.

But I don’t know how to lose weight. Because I’ve been trying to lose weight for years and I never seem to actually be able to do it. I mean, I’ve lost 10 pounds since January which is nice for me since I only weighed ~120. It rounds out to less than a pound a month, though, and aren’t you supposed to lose ~1 lb/week? How do you do that?

My goal for the start of 2016 was to bulk up, but now I think I need to lose more weight. About 5 pounds. Maybe 10. But odds are all that I’ll lose will be muscle and end up at a higher body fat percentage than before, so I’m freaking out.

It’s a stupid thing to freak out about but I’m freaking out nonetheless.

Have I so permanently destroyed my metabolism that I can never lose fat? My nutritionist said I was fatter than she expected when I was in outpatient care. The trainer said I wasn’t that tiny when I was diagnosed with anorexia.

And here I am, over 5 years since the start of my recovery, and I feel no better off now than I was back then. I don’t know anything. I know that to be healthy, with my family’s random unexplained heart issue, I need to get down in body fat, but I don’t know how to do that and it’s extremely upsetting.


One thought on “Disordered for Life

  1. Losing weight probably will have an adverse effect on your body fat measurement- you’re better off trying to lose inches- try and keep your weight were it is but train more to convert that fat to muscle. Eat lean protein after your train, instead of carbs before. This will make you body metabolise fat to give you energy to train, and then the protein will help repair and build the muscles you’ve been using x

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