Back to Where I Started From

I’ve been noticing my body a lot more lately.

I’d made a decision last month to focus on nutrition and exercise for health’s sake and not my body’s appearance. My body will follow and be where it needs to be if I take care of it. And I did that. But then school got busy and my intake has dropped drastically.

So, this morning I decided I should take my measurements since I hadn’t since I finished Crush60. I found out that my waist and my hips are the same as they were over 5 years ago before I started my recovery.

And I don’t know how to feel about this.

I am 15 pounds heavier than I was when I started my recovery, but I was 16 pounds heavier last week, and 17 the week before that. I’ve been steadily dropping 1 lb/week because I clock in around 800-1000cals/day. And it’s not on purpose. Well, for the most part. Maybe. I could be in complete denial. I don’t know how my brain works. I will check my intake around 6 or 7pm, realize it’s low, feel my stomach growl, and do nothing about it, so it might be intentional. I always say to myself, “I’ll try again tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better,” and then I wake up and go through the same motions.

It would make a lot of sense if I was relapsing major. I’ve been searching for a post graduation job, trying to finish all of my final quarter assignments, working my current job, volunteering, NaNoWriMo, blogging, weekly vlogs, trying to pick up Japanese again, trying to make my Pure Romance business work, looking for a place to live since I only have a month and a few weeks in my current apartment, figuring out how to move all our stuff (kinda just want to set it all on fire), trying to figure out what the fuck I want to do with my future, and all the while the Actor has his show going on so we never see each other and he’s too busy with rehearsal to help out or job hunt himself. So I’ve got a lot going on, and I do think that not eating would save a lot on groceries so we would have more money to help with the move since we can’t work official part-time hours and the Actor clocks out early a lot of the time…

That took a very sad, stressful turn.

So, I don’t know if I am relapsing or not. I like to think I’m healthier now than I was 5 years ago, but my intake is still low and I’m still exercising every day, so just because I’m 15 pounds heavier doesn’t mean I’m any better off.

But I don’t know what to do from here.

I’m hanging out with friends tonight. There will be wine and food, and I think I’m making cookies so that there will be something vegan I can eat, but after that I’m unsure as to what to do. I wish I was financially stable enough to seek help, and I wish I lived somewhere right now that would be able to provide me that help, but since none are true… I guess I’ll just sit here and carry on like normal?


One thought on “Back to Where I Started From

  1. Ellie says:

    Oh no I hope you’re ok. Re-read your past posts and how ED felt. You don’t want that again. Enjoy the party, have some snacks and get back on the healthy living train ❤

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