Finding Myself

Something happened after I got married.

I started to discover who I was. I wasn’t required to be someone else anymore. And maybe that is weird to say so let me back up a tad:

My parents are separated/divorced. When I was 9 my mother turned me against my father by making me her confidant. He was there sporadically and she was working graveyard shifts, so I remember many mornings making breakfast and lunch for myself and my 3-year-old little brother. I became the built-in-babysitter and I always resented that. She was also overprotective to the highest degree and super paranoid. She vented to me. I couldn’t breathe a word of it to my brother, and my friends didn’t understand.

I had to be someone who could take care of the baby and gossip and complain. I had to keep my brother alive and happy and I had to keep my mother happy. Add three different mental illnesses to that and you get the girl I used to be. I don’t even know who she was. I never had my own opinions. I was terrified of speaking. I did whatever anyone else wanted. I still do that to an extent. I also still apologize for existing, but I am a lot better about doing what I want and feeling important now.

It wasn’t until I was officially moved out and independent that I was able to come out, and my mom still doesn’t know. I don’t think she would disown me, I just don’t want to have that conversation.

When we went to Disneyland with her I had a terrible time of trying to keep her happy while also keeping my husband happy while trying to keep my little brother happy while also trying to have fun myself. That’s too many people to try to keep happy! It was actually probably the worst vacation I have ever gone on. We got to go on a lot of rides, but just going to a special lunch with my husband set my mom off in the weirdest way so that she wouldn’t even see us the rest of the day. That really upset me because I was never supposed to upset her. I was supposed to always be there for her; to always comfort her.

It is so cliché to say you’re finding yourself in your 20’s, but I am. Being free from my mother’s influence has allowed me to actually start to become a person instead of this thing she can complain to and play dress-up with. As this is being published I am in a counseling session. I was in counseling last year until August when my counselor’s time at the college was up and she left. I just never went back for an appointment until a few days ago. I obviously can’t deal with everything alone, but hopefully this will help.

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