Shame Free Saturday: Myself

shamefreesaturdayI guess since I talked about it here I should give you all an update.

I heard back from the gym about my Zumba audition.

They do not feel I am ready to teach a class by myself. But that (thankfully) does not mean they’re just showing me the door. My job over the next several weeks to months is to attend almost all of the Zumba classes offered, and when I know a song I have to jump up to the front and teach with the instructors. After lots of practice like that and gaining experience I should be put on the schedule to teach a class myself. So hopefully by the fall I will be teaching my own classes.

When I was first told this information I was okay with it. Would it have been awesome major to be able to teach right away? Of course, but I immediately made my mind get some perspective before I got upset about it.

I have never taught a Zumba class before. My audition was during a busy week for my friends so only my husband was able to come and everyone else in the class were instructors which was very daunting. I auditioned about 2 weeks after I got certified. I was nervous. It was a completely new experience. I spent my shift at work beforehand pacing when I wasn’t ringing up customers. Like I said, the important thing is that I did it.

Of course I was a little upset and did beat myself up a little bit. Why couldn’t I have been spectacular right away? Why am I so worthless I can’t get hired but this other girl can? I just can’t do anything. Why am I even trying to be a fitness instructor? I already failed last quarter. Why do I keep trying?

And honestly I’m still asking myself that question. But that’s why I’m writing this post. I need to remember that I did the absolute best that I could do. That other person that got hired right away is a performance major. I saw her in a play last quarter. She gets up in front of people for a living. I do not. I sit on my couch and try to write. I spend my days in different worlds when I’m not at the gym, where I go by myself to work out by myself. Just the fact that I choreographed 30 minutes worth of music and got up in front of people who have been instructing for a long time now is a huge success for me. The person in charge told me it took a lot of courage to come back and audition again after I’d tried for a different position last quarter. And it really did. I was so nervous. I didn’t feel nervous when I was teaching, but looking back I know I was. I was so focused on not messing up I forgot to smile and have fun. When I did smile it looked forced. I was awkward. I stared at my legs in the mirror to make sure I was getting the steps right.

But I did it. I got up there and I did it. And today I did it again. I co-instructed because that’s what I’m supposed to do, and my friend, the instructor today, wasn’t feeling well so I offered to do the whole class doing the high impact so she could give her body a bit of a break.

I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself for not being able to do something I’ve never done before right away. I will get there. And I’m so grateful to have this entire team that wants to support me and help me to get to the point where I can teach by myself.

I’m shy and awkward. I know that, and I need to work on that, but I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I will get there. I just have to keep at it. And I will.

 

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