Pressing Stop

NEDAwareness_2015_Shareable_AthletesIt’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Go to nedawareness.org for more information on how you can be involved.

It is almost the end of February. I set out this year with a common goal among New Year’s Resolutioners, except it wasn’t so much an NYR as a personal goal I’ve been trying to achieve for a while now. I’ve been trying to reduce my body fat percentage. I started this year around 23-25% body fat, and as of this morning I’m at 20% and 7 pounds down. I can see so much more definition in my muscles, and even my abs are starting to come in.

I weighed myself yesterday and found out I’m at 113 pounds now. And I thought, all right, what do I do now? Do I continue to try to lose or do I maintain? Maybe I should make it an even 110. But the question is, knowing my shaky past with weight loss and anorexia, should I try to make it an even 110?

I haven’t lost weight in several years. The last time I lost weight I was still struggling with my disorder. Even though I am feeling so much better with my disorder and it rarely if ever at all comes into my life anymore, I don’t feel confident that if I get to 110 that I’ll want to stop. I’ll probably think, why not go down to 105? Then why not 100? I’m never going to be satisfied if I keep doing this. Same with my body fat percentage. Great it’s down to 20% but why not 18%? Then 15%?

I am not falling back into my old ways. I know that. But at the same time I don’t want to push it. Eating enough calories is something I constantly struggle with, only now it’s because I feel full faster or I’m working, so I don’t have big meals or I can’t eat them. I’m not choosing to skip them anymore. It was a small victory yesterday just getting up to 1,300 calories by 8 pm.

There of course is a part of me that wants to get down to 110, just to see if I could; just to see what I would look like. But I also just want to go back to building up muscle mass. I can see them now, and I want to be stronger.

Right now I’m pressing stop on the anorexia remote. I don’t want to push it. I feel pretty good that I won’t relapse, but I’ve made it so far in recovery that I don’t want to keep flirting with danger. For now my goals will be to continue to improve and try to eat an adequate amount of calories. It’ll probably mean more snacks throughout the day, but that’s not a bad thing. Food is awesome.

Most of all, though, I want to keep putting my disordered days behind me and work on living a happy life. I love working out. That’s why I do it. It’s my me time. It makes me happy. That’s what’s more important.

 

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