Thinking Out Loud #5: Past Recovery

Thinking-Out-Loud2

Thursdays are for thinking out loud!

This week I’m going to be more specific with my topic. This isn’t my recovery blog. I ended that back in October (November?) when I realized that recovery wasn’t such a big part of my life anymore. For those of you that don’t know I was diagnosed in March of 2010 with anorexia nervosa and depression. I have spent the nearly 5 years since working on recovery. Last year was the first time in as long as I can remember that I was not constantly fighting with Ana and could actually live my life and focus on being healthy.

A year into my recovery I’d thought about writing a book about my experience, but realized I was still too close to it to write about it accurately and without triggering anything unpleasant. About 3-4 weeks ago I decided it’s been enough time and that I’m far enough away from it to finally start writing my book.

And last night I did.

I had bought Unbearable Lightness by Portia De Rossi over Christmas break and started reading it last night. I read it when it came out years ago, but skimmed it because I was still to deep in my disorder and was trying to recover and found it very triggering. But last night it was triggering in a way that I could handle and found creative.

creeping

I did this back in 2011 as part of a series exploring my relationship with my ED.

 

So I put the book down, picked up the nearest not-full notebook I had by my bed and started writing. When I put the notebook down I did a quick body scan of how I was feeling.

Oddly enough I felt thrilled. I had finally put down on paper what I’d been trying to write for the past 4 years. Finally I was able to write about this. But even more excitingly was the fact that I came away from the experience feeling nothing but creative joy. There was no urge to restrict my intake again. No urge to walk around my room until I was too tired to stand. No desire to start the ABC diet, which I am sad to say I had done before my recovery. I felt happy that I could write, but also very sad for the me five years ago and beyond. I suffered for at least five years before my recovery was thrust upon me. I wanted to cry at how terrible I was to myself. I felt terrible for young Aja. How could I have been so mean?

another photo in the series I did.

another photo in the series I did.

This is a huge milestone in my recovery. I am very excited to work on my book, to re-read Unbearable Lightness and Wasted without worrying about being horribly triggered, and especially to continue to take care of myself.

Thinking out loud, I honestly never thought this day would come and I am very excited about it.

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4 thoughts on “Thinking Out Loud #5: Past Recovery

  1. Ellie says:

    Holy wow this post could have been written by me. I recently started to write down the past five years of my life (I’ve got about three sections done with many more to come!) I started my story where I feel my true life began: after I moved out of my parent’s house. It’s really cool to recount experiences that I now can see made me who I am today. I realize I have been through so much “growing up” these past five years and am proud of who I am. It’s really great that you have reached the point in your life where you can be creatively inspired rather than triggered. Way to go!

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