This week I’m going to be more specific with my topic. This isn’t my recovery blog. I ended that back in October (November?) when I realized that recovery wasn’t such a big part of my life anymore. For those of you that don’t know I was diagnosed in March of 2010 with anorexia nervosa and depression. I have spent the nearly 5 years since working on recovery. Last year was the first time in as long as I can remember that I was not constantly fighting with Ana and could actually live my life and focus on being healthy.
A year into my recovery I’d thought about writing a book about my experience, but realized I was still too close to it to write about it accurately and without triggering anything unpleasant. About 3-4 weeks ago I decided it’s been enough time and that I’m far enough away from it to finally start writing my book.
And last night I did.
I had bought Unbearable Lightness by Portia De Rossi over Christmas break and started reading it last night. I read it when it came out years ago, but skimmed it because I was still to deep in my disorder and was trying to recover and found it very triggering. But last night it was triggering in a way that I could handle and found creative.
So I put the book down, picked up the nearest not-full notebook I had by my bed and started writing. When I put the notebook down I did a quick body scan of how I was feeling.
Oddly enough I felt thrilled. I had finally put down on paper what I’d been trying to write for the past 4 years. Finally I was able to write about this. But even more excitingly was the fact that I came away from the experience feeling nothing but creative joy. There was no urge to restrict my intake again. No urge to walk around my room until I was too tired to stand. No desire to start the ABC diet, which I am sad to say I had done before my recovery. I felt happy that I could write, but also very sad for the me five years ago and beyond. I suffered for at least five years before my recovery was thrust upon me. I wanted to cry at how terrible I was to myself. I felt terrible for young Aja. How could I have been so mean?
This is a huge milestone in my recovery. I am very excited to work on my book, to re-read Unbearable Lightness and Wasted without worrying about being horribly triggered, and especially to continue to take care of myself.
Thinking out loud, I honestly never thought this day would come and I am very excited about it.