Close to rock bottom

Everything was so much easier when no one knew about Ana. Not even me. It was so much nicer and I was so much happier. Living in the illusion that I was almost perfect. Everything was so much easier when I didn’t know it was ok to be a person. When I didn’t know I had worth as a human being. When I didn’t know that I deserved to be heard. I didn’t despair before because I though I was living the life that I deserved.

Dont you ever just want to end the pain? Permanently? Wouldn’t that feel so great? Not feeling anymore.

Im a college student. I have debt waiting for me. But nothing else. No future. No career. I can ring up fast food. That’s all I’m good at. No matter where I apply I never even get an interview. And it was so much easier when I thought that was the way it was supposed to be.

Yes, I am asking for help. Because I am alone and I am scared and I don’t know what else to do. I turn 21 on Thursday. But I don’t know if I want to. Maybe this is a cry for attention but is that so wrong?

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9 thoughts on “Close to rock bottom

  1. Don’t give up Aja. Recovery is hard; you know this because you’ve come this far.
    Life isn’t easy, and as perfectionists it is hard to accept that things won’t always go the way we want. Instead of working to make things perfect, we need to work to make imperfections seem like no more than a fun little challenge.
    When I feel trodden down and worn out I just reevaluate what’s important to me; money? a successful career? fame? a perfect body? world records and number ones? None of those – for me, the only things I can count on are relationships, and they are exactly what perfectionism and eating disorders and the likes destroy. So I refocus on those, and soon enough everything feels fine again. I hope you will find the same. xxx

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I got to work with some old friends today which helped a lot, and once we get settled into the new school year I’m I’ll be seeing friends again.

  2. I really hope you’re doing okay because you deserve to have such a bright future! I know it can seem impossible to change your perspective when you’re in a dark place and being told to just see the positives can be annoying but you will get through this and be able to look back and realize the pain made you stronger. I hope that moment of clarity comes soon!

  3. Carly says:

    I turn 21 on Thursday,too. I’m struggling with pretty severe depression, but I know I must hang on, because it has gotten better in the past, and I know it will again. It will for you, too. That sounds cliche, I know, but trust me.

    • Birthday buddies!
      Thank you so much. It feels like forever ago that I wrote that even though it was last night. I’m not 100% better but I’m doing all right today. Thank you.

      • Happy Birthday!! Aja!
        Don’t give up hope so easily. I went through so many hardships at your age but now it’s over. I’m now 41. But when I look back, I realize that that pain was necessary to help me become what I am now. Cheer up and be happy while you’re still alive.

  4. HANG IN THERE!! We all go through the getting older blues at some point in time, feeling like we haven’t accomplished what we should have. But who sets those rules anyway?? Life is too facckkin short!! Sending you love.

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