I grew up being told that my family had perfect health. We had 20/20 vision, a 60 BPM heart rate, 120/80 blood pressure, no history of cancer, heart disease, or diabetes, etc. None of that is true of course, but my mom spoon fed me that idea every single day. She told me my dad’s side wasn’t so lucky but I didn’t need to worry even though I was related so closely. This caused me a lot of pain growing up. I had to “recover” from my ED as fast as possible because having it meant I was broken and imperfect. I didn’t actually start to recover until last fall. Yes I had regained the weight I had lost but the mental aspect still hadn’t been addressed. I think that idea caused me a lot of stress and agony after my mom’s cardiac arrest last year.
And this morning I drove home with tears in my dilated eyes after my eye exam ecause I found out I am farsighted and have an astigmatism. I need glasses basically. Am I surprised? Not really, but having not completely round eyeballs and needing glasses means I’m just even more imperfect. Add this to anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder and you get one imperfect person.
Logically I know that no one is perfect. Logically I know that I am not broken because I need glasses.I am not less of a person for having any of the things that I have. But despite the logical side of me, I am really upset about this. And I hate it. Because I do feel like les of a person with every diagnosis that gets added to my chart. Because it makes me feel like I have less worth as a person. I don’t project any of this onto anyone with similar diagnoses, only me.
People aren’t perfect. I am not perfect. And that is okay. I just need to get to a point where I can believe that.