So we went to visit our parents over the weekend back on the West Side which was nice. This is going to sound strange but I really, really love humidity. It makes it almost impossible for my hair to hold a curl but that’s okay now that it’s really short (and soon to be shorter), but it also hydrates my skin better than any lotion will do. And I drink a ridiculous amount of water so I know it’s the air quality that causes my skin to be so dry. It makes the heat and the wind feel more gentle. Everything over here just feels so harsh. So I miss it. Only a year and 5 months!
But going back made me realize just how much has changed in the last year since I got married. My little brother is going to my high school in the fall. He’ll get his classes at the end of August. My brother-in-law is going to college. The Actor’s bedroom (which we stayed in while we were there) has been completely transformed, and it only took maybe a month after we married for it to happen but I’d never spent much time in there since then so it didn’t hit me. It’s an office/gym now. My room is a shell of what it once was since most of my things are here with me now. It’s also half a storage area for empty boxes my mom has been collecting for whenever she actually moves. My mom is very different now than she was a year ago. She’s lost 60 pounds. She has become more vulnerable and emotional. I mean, dying for 40 minutes will probably do that to you, but it’s still a shock to me because growing up she was so strong. Even when my parents divorced she was strong. Maxlemore (my brother), is now taller than me. He is growing up now so fast, especially going to high school. I used to see him grow day by day but now I see him every ten weeks or so.
And change is hard for me. I’m trying to deal with it, but it really upset me. It upset me mainly because I feel so alone. I had a talk with the Actor on Sunday, but until then I felt like I was completely alone. My brother and my mom as I knew them are gone and that bothered me. I felt like I couldn’t turn to the Actor for anything either. But that’s mended. My family not so much. Maxlemore and I are growing closer than we did before. We’ve always been close, but now we don’t hate each other so much anymore. But my mom… I couldn’t talk to her about my problems before, and even less so now that she’s consumed more openly about her own. And I can never tell her about my sexual orientation. I guess we’ve all changed. And I guess the only thing to do is take it and move on.