There are times when that voice in my head is louder than my headphones.
There are times when she blocks out my reflection and all I can see is her scowling back at me.
There are times when being mindful doesn’t make her go away.
There are times when she forces herself onto me and I let her in.
There are times when nothing else matters but what she says.
There are times when I breathe in every word and it goes straight to my soul.
There are times when we’re one person instead of two.
This is one of those times.
Ana has evolved from just personifying my anorexia to personifying every disorder I have. Anorexia, depression, and anxiety. And right now is one of those times when it’s stopped being a battle between Aja and Ana, but where they live together while Ana rules over and Aja just sits in the corner and obeys while her heart cries silently. Now is one of those times when I’m sitting here wondering why I recovered at all; when I remember an imaginary past where living under Ana’s rule made me happy even though I can feel the pain now as I did then and a part of me knows that isn’t true. Now is one of those times when I miss being underweight because at least then I had a ways to go before I was overweight. Now is one of those times when I feel like I’m a failure and like none of my feelings are valid.
Sorry for the depressing Saturday post. I hope you’re all enjoying your weekend. If I can get myself to get up I’m going to do some HIIT and then possibly clean but most likely watch Frozen cause I haven’t seen it since Winter Quarter Finals. Hopefully that will cheer me up.