I wasn’t sure what to post today, so let’s talk about my recent identification of my anxiety problems. I’m really good at recognizing when I’m having an anxiety attack but I’m not so good about doing anything else about it.
I just read a thing on the internet about a ridiculously large amount of bees being found dead in Canada. And people commented about how important it is that we do something about that, but also how the major companies, *cough* Monsanto *cough* are huge contributors to the bees dying out and how the freaking government just has their back and isn’t doing shit to try and stop them. And also how we’d only have a few fucking years to live after all the bees died out. Which means us dying would have to come from something other than the ideal way to die: in your sleep when you’re like 100 years old. It made me mad at first and then I just really freaked out, and I still am. How is something so important and so huge as this not being taken care of? And why does Monsanto and greedy government officials making more money than they know what to do with more important than the lives of pretty much everyone on the freaking planet? What about my life? I fight every day through my depression, ED, anxiety, and other issues just to keep living, but because there is less money in keeping people alive than there is in killing them I’m going to have to die? And maybe I’m not as informed about this as I could be. Perhaps, while it is definitely concerning and something we should be working on, it isn’t as scary as I think it is.
But that doesn’t matter. Because I go into full on panic mode and it takes a heck of a lot of explaining, rationalizing, and reassuring for me to calm down, and even then it takes at least a day before I can comfortably say I’m okay again. Sometimes the attacks get so bad that I can’t breathe, like they did at work one day last quarter and I had to leave. Sometimes they’re fairly mild but last several times longer than the ones where I can’t breathe.
And it really bothers me that I’ve done so well in my anorexia recovery only to uncover new problems with anxiety. Maybe this would have happened anyway. It certainly kicked up after my mom’s cardiac arrest. I live every day with this huge weight of fear on my shoulders that I could just drop down dead someday without any warning whatsoever. My mom and the Actor keep telling me they don’t think it’s going to happen to me but that’s a pretty big fucking link, mother-daughter. And we don’t know what caused it so there is absolutely no way to prevent it. Ever since then my anxiety has skyrocketed.
I have therapy and my anxiety group back-to-back every Tuesday for the next eight weeks starting the 15th. I really hope the anxiety group helps. Therapy is going well. We’re past all the history and moving on to working through specific things now. I just hope that someday I will be able to live without any of this stuff bothering me like it does now.