4 Years

84years

Ok, it hasn’t been that long, obviously. But if you’ve have asked me four years ago how long I thought it would take for me to get to where I am today in my recovery, that probably would have been the number I’d have given you.

Four years ago I would have denied having an eating disorder. I thought it was a “lifestyle choice.” Yeah. Glad I got some sense knocked into me. I was stupid about recovery once.

Four years ago if you’d have told me I’d weigh 115-120 pounds in four years I would have cried. I would have fallen to my knees sobbing because that is the absolute last thing I ever wanted. The very idea was enough to make me sick.

If you would have told me that I would willingly eat both cookie dough oreos and ice cream sandwiches in the same day I would have laughed hysterically. If you would have told me that I’d be celebrating this day with cheesecake I would have laughed and cried and cringed. If you would have told me that I would be able to look in the mirror and absolutely love what I saw I would have scoffed in your face. If you’d have told me that I would be able to walk down the aisle at my wedding in a form-fitting-ish dress in front of my friends and family and strangers (aka the Actor’s family) and not give a damn about how my body looked in it I would have wondered what alternate reality you were from.

Eat delicious, sugary food? HA! Love my body? You’re joking, right? Not care about how my body looks? You’re crazy.

But today all of those things are true. This is the second week I’ve taken off from the gym and I honestly love it. I love working out, but the break has done some wonderful things for my body and my self confidence. I was planning on taking this week off for my new tattoo, but I got sick last week and just took the whole week off from work and working out. I can not work out and be ok. I can eat carbs galore and just love it. My body has grown in so many ways and every day I get stronger. I have learned so much about myself and health these past four years.

I cannot believe it’s been four years since my diagnosis. I did not think that four years would even go by when I started my recovery. The thought that one day I would be in the year 2014 didn’t even make sense to me. It was a number I couldn’t imagine. Probably because it was well over how many calories I ate in a day, and now I probably eat that many calories in a day.

For anyone out there that is struggling I want you to know that the day will come where you just take a step back and realize that you’ve come farther than you ever thought possible. I hope it comes faster for you than the four years it took for me, but the day will come.

Here are my past posts on this “anniversary:

2013

2012

2011 – I haven’t cried about it to this day. It still seems unreal.

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