I had an interesting morning. Early morning was normal. I got up, ate, and walked to work. But sometime around 8 AM I could feel my breathing get off. I was breathing, but it felt like I had to make more of a conscious effort to do it than normal, and I felt like I wasn’t getting all of the oxygen I was inhaling. Kinda like when you hike up a mountain and the air gets thinner. I started to get shaky. My hands started getting clammy, and my coworkers said I looked a little pale. I wanted to ask if my relief could come in early so I could go home, but I didn’t see the manager until forty minutes before my shift was to end. I felt like I was going to pass out. I was really afraid that I would pass out, bang my head on the concrete floor, and one of the cooks would have to give me CPR. I was afraid that it would be more than just passing out. Like I’d wake up with a concussion, or die because I’d hit my head too hard going down. Or have a cardiac arrest like my mom.
My manager was really nice and helpful and let me go early, even driving me to the health clinic. I was feeling light headed and dizzy, and I knew that walking home wasn’t an option. I was fine physically, though. They took my pulse, my blood pressure, my oxygen, and listened to my heart and lungs to make sure I wasn’t asthmatic, and everything came back the perfect picture of health. They decided it was an anxiety attack, and let me rest on a bed in the “TLC room.” I ended up walking home.
I went back later to see a doctor. He had me do the depression and anxiety screening which determined I do have anxiety problems and mild depression. Honestly, by that point in the day I was just so pissed at myself for asking to leave work early when there was nothing physically wrong with me and losing out on a half hour’s pay that I was flustered and upset and just doing my best not to cry. He prescribed Prozac and told me to set up a follow up appointment with him and an appointment with counseling. I went home and researched Prozac, and along with heart palpitations and arrhythmias being a side effect (something I really want to avoid with my family’s newly discovered heart issues) anorexia is also a side effect, along with a couple other things I’m already dealing with on my birth control and don’t want to make worse.
So I’m not going to fill the prescription. I should have asked for more information, or remembered that my birth control has been giving me issues since I got on it and I was just too scared to change it, even though it’s probably contributed to my anxiety problems. I’m going to call tomorrow to cancel my follow up, and contact a OB/GYN in town to figure out a new birth control option. If I can get non-hormonal that would be great, but I already (TMI) get really bad cramps that used to leave me clenched into a ball on the floor, and some of the hormone-free options make that worse. I obviously have some thinking to do. I am going to go to counseling though. If I can get this figured out without drugs, great. I know they help some people, but I would really like to do this with as few drugs as possible.
I should have said something. I was just flustered and upset and just wanted to go home.
I’ve had minor anxiety attacks before, but never in a public place, and that just made it scarier. Most of the time it’s at home where I have my micro-plush blanket, bed, my music, and the internet to help me get through it. Take all that away and add a college dining hall during the breakfast rush and it gets a heck of a lot worse.
So I’m pretty upset with myself, and anxious about going to work tomorrow, which I know won’t make it any better. At least tomorrow is Friday, which tends to be a more relaxed day all around. I’m sure that if I had to, someone could watch the register while I went and sat down for a minute or two. It’s just not been the best day. My gym time was good, but I forgot my lifting gloves so my hands hurt a lot from gripping the weights.
I bet if I had a cat I wouldn’t have so much anxiety. I never did when I lived with my kitty.
Yeah, I’m pretty much just pissed at myself at this point. I am so tired of things being wrong with me. Why can’t I just go to college, be a wife, train people, work out, eat awesome food, and have fun without worrying about anxiety attacks or depression or an eating disorder?