A Whole New “Terrified” Part WTF

I had an interesting morning. Early morning was normal. I got up, ate, and walked to work. But sometime around 8 AM I could feel my breathing get off. I was breathing, but it felt like I had to make more of a conscious effort to do it than normal, and I felt like I wasn’t getting all of the oxygen I was inhaling. Kinda like when you hike up a mountain and the air gets thinner. I started to get shaky. My hands started getting clammy, and my coworkers said I looked a little pale. I wanted to ask if my relief could come in early so I could go home, but I didn’t see the manager until forty minutes before my shift was to end. I felt like I was going to pass out. I was really afraid that I would pass out, bang my head on the concrete floor, and one of the cooks would have to give me CPR. I was afraid that it would be more than just passing out. Like I’d wake up with a concussion, or die because I’d hit my head too hard going down. Or have a cardiac arrest like my mom.

My manager was really nice and helpful and let me go early, even driving me to the health clinic. I was feeling light headed and dizzy, and I knew that walking home wasn’t an option. I was fine physically, though. They took my pulse, my blood pressure, my oxygen, and listened to my heart and lungs to make sure I wasn’t asthmatic, and everything came back the perfect picture of health. They decided it was an anxiety attack, and let me rest on a bed in the “TLC room.” I ended up walking home.

I went back later to see a doctor. He had me do the depression and anxiety screening which determined I do have anxiety problems and mild depression. Honestly, by that point in the day I was just so pissed at myself for asking to leave work early when there was nothing physically wrong with me and losing out on a half hour’s pay that I was flustered and upset and just doing my best not to cry. He prescribed Prozac and told me to set up a follow up appointment with him and an appointment with counseling. I went home and researched Prozac, and along with heart palpitations and arrhythmias being a side effect (something I really want to avoid with my family’s newly discovered heart issues) anorexia is also a side effect, along with a couple other things I’m already dealing with on my birth control and don’t want to make worse.

So I’m not going to fill the prescription. I should have asked for more information, or remembered that my birth control has been giving me issues since I got on it and I was just too scared to change it, even though it’s probably contributed to my anxiety problems. I’m going to call tomorrow to cancel my follow up, and contact a OB/GYN in town to figure out a new birth control option. If I can get non-hormonal that would be great, but I already (TMI) get really bad cramps that used to leave me clenched into a ball on the floor, and some of the hormone-free options make that worse. I obviously have some thinking to do. I am going to go to counseling though. If I can get this figured out without drugs, great. I know they help some people, but I would really like to do this with as few drugs as possible.

I should have said something. I was just flustered and upset and just wanted to go home. 

I’ve had minor anxiety attacks before, but never in a public place, and that just made it scarier. Most of the time it’s at home where I have my micro-plush blanket, bed, my music, and the internet to help me get through it. Take all that away and add a college dining hall during the breakfast rush and it gets a heck of a lot worse.

So I’m pretty upset with myself, and anxious about going to work tomorrow, which I know won’t make it any better. At least tomorrow is Friday, which tends to be a more relaxed day all around. I’m sure that if I had to, someone could watch the register while I went and sat down for a minute or two. It’s just not been the best day. My gym time was good, but I forgot my lifting gloves so my hands hurt a lot from gripping the weights.

I bet if I had a cat I wouldn’t have so much anxiety. I never did when I lived with my kitty.

Yeah, I’m pretty much just pissed at myself at this point. I am so tired of things being wrong with me. Why can’t I just go to college, be a wife, train people, work out, eat awesome food, and have fun without worrying about anxiety attacks or depression or an eating disorder?

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3 thoughts on “A Whole New “Terrified” Part WTF

  1. I have anxiety as well, and I find that one of the things that helps me is finding something to grip when I feel a panic attack coming on. You could always try an anti-anxiety medication. Best of luck and anxiety sucks 😦

  2. I feel ya on wanting to treat things without drugs. I was on birth control for 3 years to get my period and by the end of it, my skin was awful and I was getting headaches a lot and some digestive issues. So I dropped it and even though I haven’t gotten my period back since, I really don’t want to go back on birth control for now. There’s just too many issues with drugs and it’s good that you researched Prozac and made sure it wasn’t right for you. I just wish medicines weren’t prescribed so often and medical issues could be treated more holistically. Maybe getting a cat if you can would be helpful for you? I just hope you’re doing better now and can figure out how to treat your anxiety.

    • I know. The doctor asked what my stance was on meds and I’m not against them if they’re the only option, but it wasn’t until after he’d written the prescription that he asked if I wanted to get counseling too. Our lease is up in May, so if we can find a place that’s open and pet friendly we might move and get a cat. I’m doing ok now. Turns out a new multivitamin I was taking contributed a lot, too. I only took it for two days, but I’m still feeling it today and I didn’t take it this morning. One A Day Women’s with active metabolism. Turns out almost everyone who takes it gets sick in some way or another.

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