Standing Frozen in the Life I’ve Chosen

Yesterday was the official start of Winter Quarter 2014. I had to get up at 6 AM to drive to work, but at least yesterday I got to drive to work. Today I went outside and our car was covered in a sheet of it. I got it started ok, but I could not scrape the ice off of the windshield, so I locked the doors and booked it down to work, which was hard because every flat surface in town was icy. I managed not to slip at all, but I did slip quite a lot when I walked home after work, which does not make a lot of sense to me… So far I like this quarter. I like my classes. One of them is a little bit more involved than I would like it to be, but it’s only ten weeks. I am also taking English Grammar and Fiction Writing, and I am so excited about both of them. My grammar professor I had for an honors course back in fall of my freshman year. He’s also apparently the one to take grammar from, so awesome. My fiction professor is really funny, and also really seriously understands fiction writing and is honest about it. I have a short (really short, a page in length) beginning to a story to write for Friday already.

Yesterday also was my very first ever audition at my uni for all of the winter/spring shows. They required an acting resume along with the audition form and a head shot, and I had neither of those. So I took my own head shot:

And I put my stupid middle school plays on my “acting resume” and went out there. I was terrified, but I did it. I messed up my song, but I still got words out and sang them. I felt awful afterward, and went to bed way later than I should have to accommodate my new work schedule, but my morning run today woke me up well enough to get through my shift. I have said it before, but I always wanted to be an actress. It was one of the ten things I want to do with my life, but my dream was dashed to pieces when I was about 13-14 and I overheard my parents talking about how talented this one child actress was. I was older than her and all I’d done was play Miss Hannigan in my middle school’s production of Annie, Jr. I decided that if I wasn’t as good as her now I’d never be and I gave it up. That whole way of thinking still bothers me today. But the important thing is that I tried. I auditioned. I worked on my monologue and my song over break with the help from my personal acting coach, the Actor, and I went out there and did it. I’m only 20 years old. I’ve got a lot of life ahead of me. I could become an actress still if I wanted. Or not. It’s my life. I decide where it goes. UPDATE: Apparently me deciding to give up my dream of becoming an actress was a good move. Apparently I cannot become an actress whether I want to or not. Which means I wasted about $2 of my printing money for this quarter. 

The Actor has a call back tonight for one of the shows, and I do not, so I plan on sleeping. Of course, I am already looking forward to the weekend. And to Spring, when all of this Winter nonsense will be gone. I cannot wait to move away from here. I’d honestly transfer if my credits would transfer, but being in the honors college, other universities don’t accept that in place of regular gen ed requirements, so I’d have to take all the stupid 101 classes if I transferred. Just a little bit longer. I hope I can hold out.

Here’s to Winter Quarter 2014. May it be better than Winter Quarter 2013 which just drained my soul of all hope and happiness.

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4 thoughts on “Standing Frozen in the Life I’ve Chosen

  1. That’s great that you have classes you actually enjoy this quarter. I always tried to find at least one class per semester that I would like so it made it more bearable to deal with school. Now it feels weird to not be going back to school.

    Sorry about the audition. I used to be really big into acting, too, but my sister was always a lot better than me (which is why she’s going into musical theater for college) and after never getting into any of the plays or musicals in high school, I gave up my dream of being an actress. My high school had a not-so-great theater program though and the director always chose the same people. But it still hurts when your dreams are crushed, so I totally get that.

    • I cannot wait until a new quarter starts and I’m not attending anymore. I’ve decided that if I can find the aid I’m going to take summer quarters and try to graduate even earlier than I’m already planning. I can’t handle two more winters after this one.

      Thanks. I’m having a hard time with it because I found out today I didn’t get anything, and I just keep thinking, “Why did I even bother? This is college where people get to major in performance and are so much better than me to begin with. Why did I even think I could do this?”

      • I think it’s good that you auditioned anyway. And I think if you really love doing it, you should keep trying. Maybe not at the college-level if it doesn’t work, but community theater or something like that. Just as a passion or hobby if nothing else!

  2. I’m of 2 minds about this. But I am positive that you did the right thing either way. You would have always wondered if you hadn’t. I’m just not positive you should stop trying. People may already be better than you right now – but that doesn’t mean you can’t practice and be just as good, or better.

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