“The Mirror”

The following was all I had written for my anorexia experience book I’d been planning on writing. I go back and forth between deciding whether or not I’ll actually write it. I wrote this almost a year ago. December 21, 2012. I am in no position to continue writing this right now. I try to write this blog to be positive, but I want it to be real. I’m not happy all the time. I’ve spent the bulk of this month in intense depression. Continuing with this book now is probably not a good idea. But I read it now and just think, “this is so accurate.” This is how I think. Maybe one day I’ll write more of this. But not now. For now enjoy what I have done:

The Mirror

Some cold girl stares at me. I don’t know who she is. Her skin is gross. I can see every flaw on it. Every freckle and every pore seem to be magnified. How can she live with herself? There probably isn’t an amount of foundation in the world that would fix that mess. Her eyes are a gross shade of brown. Some people have alluring chocolate or hazelnut colored eyes. Black is even acceptable, but this girl’s eyes are some deep shade of brown people usually grimace at. Her nose is weird. Noses in general are weird, but hers exceeds the usual amount of weirdness. One side is smooth and the other seems jagged, like the cartilage was all pushed up on that one side against something hard to make a crease. Her lips are no interesting shade of pink. They’re different enough to be noticeable with cracks even when doused in lip gloss. They’re some failed mixture of pink and plum. Her face is too round. It lacks any kind of cute sharpness to them. You can see where it tries to have definition but the fat of her cheeks prevents her cheek bones from being visible. Her jaw bone is also round. It’s too round. Her chin is even too round. It looks as if someone just rolled a ball of clay and squished it against her face. The few freckles on her cheeks even are ugly. Instead of a smattering of freckles dusted lightly across the bridge of her unfortunate nose they are sporadically placed around her lips, nose, and cheeks, and very dark. Her mother told her the one by her lip is called a “beauty mark” when it emerged when she was three years old. She told her that Marilyn Monroe had one. It was enough to console her until the next one appeared. It was either one or a cute cluster. There was no in-between, which was what she had and it made her ugly.

That was just her face. Her hair was her one redeeming feature. It was a chocolate brown with natural red highlights only visible in the sun and no matter what she did it never tangled and always fell perfectly in a frame around her face. She was lucky it was so perfect. She had to grow it out long so it could make her stupid fat face seem thinner. Her body was another thing. While she had been blessed with 36C breasts her hips were only 34inches around and her waist would fluctuate between 24 and 26 inches but even at 24 she still looked fat. Her legs were large around with tiny baby feet at the end of them. Her arms weren’t fat, but they weren’t slender, and her hands were the size of a child’s. Her body looked like it belonged on someone much larger than what the measuring tape said.

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6 thoughts on ““The Mirror”

  1. Hi Aja. I’ve never commented on your blog before, but I read this post and thought that this sounds exactly like me. This is what I experience every day. And none of my family members or friends seem to really understand. So thank you for being so honest and open about your struggles. I always think the same thing – that I genuinely can’t live with myself the way I am. And that sparks more restriction and obsessing about getting plastic surgery. I really don’t know what to do about it. 😦 This feeling just doesn’t seem to go away and has only become more intense as I’ve gotten older. Thank you again for writing this. I hope you aren’t still feeling this way about yourself, or at least as strongly.

    • I wrote that a year ago when I was working on 3 different versions of the book. That was the beginning of the draft I was going to go with so I’d done a lot of thought and remembering. I don’t feel that way now. Maybe like 0.5% of the time. But not all the time. I hope things can get better for you! You look beautiful in your picture.

      • I think it’s really cool that you are have written down some of your experiences with an ED. I’ve always kind of wanted to write about my own experiences, but I have yet to really do so. I think it might bring back too many bad memories & put me in a bad place.. which is like what you said at the beginning of your post. Seeing your pictures, I honestly never would have thought that you were insecure about yourself cause you’re so pretty. I’m really glad to hear that you don’t feel like that anymore. I guess that gives me some hope for myself. Thank you so much. 🙂

  2. This is so accurate to my life, and I think what a lot of other people have dealt with too. I think you should definitely keep working on it, maybe when you’re in a different frame of mind, but I think it’s really good.

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