On March 25, 2014 I will have been in recovery for four years. In that time I will have regained the weight I lost, found and developed a lasting, healthy relationship with fitness (this includes diet and exercise), graduated high school, gone to college, started my major, gotten married, started a new (hopefully) lifelong career, gotten my first (and maybe second) tattoo, and just grown overall as person. Part of me expects that since four years will have gone by that all this should be easy now. I shouldn’t have any trouble eating enough to live and meet my current fitness goals. I shouldn’t have any trouble making sure I don’t over-exercise. I shouldn’t get so depressed all the time!
That’s impossible, though. More and more evidence is coming out to prove what I suspected all along: eating disorders are genetic, meaning they are caused by a genetic mutation and not by society, although society can help push it’s development. There is something wrong with the way my body processes hormones or whatever that makes me depressed and anorexic. There is no pill to make my body do things correctly. There is not a cure that exists today that would make my body function the way a normal person’s does, which is why I will always face this. I will always have bouts of deep depression that I find extremely difficult to manage. I will always have that little voice in the back of my head nagging at me and telling me that I’m fat.
It might get easier at times. There might be moments when I feel great, like how I did in late September and a few weeks ago. There will also be times when it gets hard. Lately it’s just been the depression. I can still eat, and I exercise a fair amount. I can’t do too much right now so I can let my tattoo heal (see it on my Instagram: ajamontana). I’ve just been really depressed for the past week. I’m realizing that I was happy and able to manage it with the Actor’s help while we were dating, but now that we’re married our dynamic is different and I cannot keep expecting him to bandage me up whenever I’m broken. I need to learn how to bandage myself.
I don’t think it will ever be completely easy. I know that my depression and anorexia will never completely be gone. However, I do know that as I continue to grow and age and learn, things will become easier, and that’s okay.
(Also, thank you to The Slender Grapefruit for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award! I think I’ve gotten it a few times before, and I’d taken down my “awards” page a while ago. I’ll do the 7 random things next post.)