I realized yesterday that I hadn’t posted anything in a while. I stepped back and thought about how things were going in my life and the direction of this blog. I started this blog with the intention of posting my writing, but it turned into a chronicle of my recovery, a web-diary, and some inspirational posts about recovery. But at this point I find myself to be, well, almost 100% recovered. I think I said I never would be because I didn’t want to let my disorder go, but here I am, and it’s almost completely gone. My life is kind of boring. I’m in school again and working. As for the inspirational posts, I don’t know what anyone needs to hear and if anyone even wants to. I was going to post this morning that I was going to be leaving this blog. I was going to leave it up for archival purposes, but I would be leaving it.
I had a very lazy morning today. I spent most of it in bed scrolling through Tumblr on my phone. Then I came across a post asking people to send this girl a message. She had posted up that she was going to commit suicide and was saying goodbye. I’d never seen her blog. I didn’t even know the K-Pop group she was blogging about on it, but I knew what she was feeling. My ED kicked into high gear after a small attempt at suicide that my brother caught me in and my mom yelled at me for. So I sent this girl a message telling her everything I could in the 500 character limit and then I waited. A few minutes later she posted up that she was not going to commit suicide, and thanking people for their messages. It made me happy that my message had contributed with all of the others to keeping this girl alive.
I realized then why I do everything I am doing. I write not just because I love it, but because stories can connect with people on a different level than real interaction can. It can evoke more emotion, and cause people to experience things you can’t get in the real world. I want to act because that’s just an extension of the storytelling that I love. I am training to become a personal trainer because I want to help people change their lives for the better. I want to help people. I want to save people in any way that I can. I’m not just doing these things because I like them and can’t see myself doing anything else, but also because I feel that I can make the biggest difference doing these things. And I can’t see myself doing that with any other occupations.