The other day I posted about how I hate the way I look and want to go back to restricting and blah blah blah. I felt awful. I hated looking in the mirror. Honestly, weird stuff was happening with my body at that time which caused me to appear fluffy and stuff, but it made me feel awful. I couldn’t believe how terribly I’d eaten on my honeymoon, though right now I honestly can hardly remember all the stuff I ate other than our special dinners in the Magic Kingdom. I hated myself for it. What a failure, I thought. But recently I’ve noticed that I’m thinner than I was a month ago. Even when I was doing the all that heavy lifting. I have gone back to my old Pop Pilates routine, except I follow her calendars now so it’s longer and slightly more intense. I sweat up a storm every time I work out. Somehow, though I know that’s not only why I seem to have lost weight (I don’t have a scale, I’m going solely off of the mirror and the way my body feels).
Since getting married and learning how to budget we’ve cut our grocery bill to around $45 a week, less sometimes, for the two of us. We plan our dinners for the week and eat sandwiches and veggies and fruits for our other meals. I’ve cooked meat only twice in the past month, and we try to have a serving of vegetables with every dinner, and I’ve been adding spinach to my morning banana smoothies. The Actor has lost some weight as well. It makes me happy that we haven’t even really tried that hard to eat better, we just do it, and it’s delicious. We don’t have any processed food in our apartment and we’re getting along just fine. I made fonuts a while ago with our adorable babycakes donut maker we got as a wedding gift with banana glaze and Mickey Mouse sprinkles.
The thing about that though, is that I started feeling better only when I noticed I was getting thin again. And that induces more anxiety. If I don’t work out hard then I’m convinced I’m going to get fat. If I eat just a little too much ice cream I’m going to get fat. I don’t want to get fat because then I won’t be happy anymore. My weight and appearance still dictates how I feel. So how much progress have I made, really, if that’s still the case?
I like that I’ve been able to eat cleanly without really trying, and really enjoying it, and receiving the benefits that come with it, but it doesn’t say great things about my eating disorder.