So, by now it’s been almost a week since the wedding. I’m still on my honeymoon, but real life is fast approaching, so that makes me think. I’m married now. I’m on my own meaning I can’t fall back on my mom anymore. I’m out in the real world. I’m working. I’m going to school. I’m not a kid anymore. But I’m still me. I’m still Aja. I still love to work out, write, bake, watch movies and FRIENDS with the Actor, and cuddle with my kitty. I still love to complain about our imperfect world with my mom. I’m still me.
That means I still have all of my other issues. When I pictured getting married as a little girl I imagined being a completely different person than I am now, but I know that getting married isn’t going to change who I am suddenly. I’m still going to have my depression and ED. When I was getting ready for the wedding I kept looking at my body in the mirror and would freak out if my dress touched my skin. I do love where it is right now, so I know that my body isn’t the problem. For the first time in almost 4 years after my diagnosis I have known with certainty that my issues are not with my body. It’s with the change I’m going through, so I take it all out on my body. That’s how I deal with change. It’s not the best way to do it, but it’s how I do it.
And that’s who I am. That’s just going to be me until I die, and I’m okay with that because I am in a place now where I can deal with it. I know it’s not really my body that’s bothering me, and that’s a big step. I’m going to have this ED for the rest of my life and I’m learning how to deal with it. I’ve been learning and I’m only getting better.
I may be married now, but I’m still me, and I like that. The woman I imagined back when I was 10 isn’t me. I like me. It’s going to be hard, and I’ll admit that I’m scared, but it’s worth it.