I don’t know what’s wrong with me, really. I mean, I know what’s wrong with me. I have a medical diagnosis to prove it, but what I don’t understand is why even now it still bothers me. I’m not talking about indulging in sweets and listening to my body and freaking out because of that. I’m talking about being on my own.
Sometimes I have random fantasies that just pop into my head. Like how great it would be to work in a show with the Actor, or getting a book of mine published. Stuff like that. Today it was what it would be like if the Actor got a part, any part, in a movie while I was still in school and this movie was filming somewhere far away. Of course, I would insist that he took it, and he would go. I would be left in my tiny college town in our apartment alone for several months. And I would live on yogurt, bananas, cereal, eggs, and peanut butter sandwiches. I wouldn’t eat three meals a day. I’d wait until I was completely out of food to go grocery shopping. I’d work out whenever I had a free minute. I’d revert back completely to my old ways, and I don’t understand why. I know that this would happen. I know that I would try for a while to be good, but it wouldn’t last the extended period of time he’d be gone.
I would never stop him from going, and I would never let my ED get in the way of his progress. I don’t understand why I would do this, though. When he was still rehearsing for JCS sometimes I’d miss dinner with him and I just wouldn’t eat dinner. That’s partly because the food here isn’t good enough to eat by yourself, but still. Why does being alone change my behavior so much? I guess it has to do with the fact that no one will be there to police me anymore. If I’m not being watched I don’t have to be recovered. If I’m on my own I can go back to my ED, because it’s easy; because it’s a part of me; because some small part of me will always miss it even though I know it’s terrible. I am doing so well right now, and it bothers me to think that all this could go away if I was ever on my own. Am I not strong enough to be healthy? I wouldn’t even so much be giving up, I’d just do it out of habit. I wouldn’t even realize I was doing it at first.