Today marked the beginning of a few things: work, Spring Quarter, the last stretch until the wedding. It’s my half birthday. But, it also marked the continuation of something. I remember getting up ridiculously early on my day off from school to go the the doctor; a visit that would both ruin and improve my life. Today marks the third year I have spent in recovery. I know that it has only been three years, but it’s strange for me to think that one day I’ll have spent over half of my life in recovery.
I have spent three years gaining weight, losing weight, crying, laughing, resolving to do better, and throwing that all out the window. The past three years, if we focus only on my recovery it has been quite a roller coaster. Especially with this little loop-de-loop called “college”. And the other one called “wedding” and “marriage”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited and enjoying all of them, but I don’t deal with change very well. I returned to school yesterday, and proceeded to bawl my eyes, begging the Actor to take me back home, saying with certainty that I did not want to go through with this quarter. Then I woke up this morning, went to work, loved it, and have spent the rest of the day preparing for the wedding, spring quarter, and going to the gym. I’d still like to go home, but it’s one more quarter, and I already bought the text books. Everything that’s coming up has just got me freaked out, because that is how I am. I’m like a cat, I don’t deal with change well.
I now weigh one pound under where the doctors wanted me to weigh when I went into recovery. It took me three years to get here, even though I had resolved never to get here. And while it does bother me, there is a small part of me that knows where those 5-9 pounds came from. I started gaining a lot last March when I started lifting weights. I haven’t increased my caloric intake, just my veggie and fruit and protein intake. Some of it probably is fat because I do enjoy my ice cream and chocolate, but I know that most of it is muscle because I can look and see it. I should take some progress pics… So I feel fairly okay about it. In three years I have gained a stronger body and I love that. Is my mind stronger? No, but it’s smarter about so many things, and that’s important to note. Even if I break down because I don’t want to grow up and go to work and school, I know how to nourish myself properly now, and I can make myself eat while listening to my body, not Ana.
In three years I’ve gone from this:
Man, if I could have told the girl in the pictures from 2009 what she would be in 2013…
I have not started the Anorexia Workbook yet, but the Actor insists I do soon, so probably tonight and I’ll get a review up shortly. It’s been a very interesting three years, and I am ready to keep pushing and see where I end up three years from now. I’m ready to keep fighting. I’m ready to love myself and make myself stronger.