(Feb 28th – Mar. 4th)
Somehow I always seem to miss ED Awareness Week, but this year I seem to have caught it just in time to post about it. I think it’s very fitting that I wrote my play this week, too. I had to present it in a group, today, but since it was a finished play while everyone else just had a page I just gave a summary. They all instantly started saying, “well maybe the girl has her eating disorder because it’s a cry for attention.” I just nodded but inside I was screaming. One girl actually seemed to understand and didn’t say very much, the other three just threw stuff out there. It was all kind of irritating but I got through it (and ended up at work early with nothing to do and was insulted by my supervisor. What else is new?).
On March 25th I will come up on I think 3 years of recovery. It kind of bothers me to think that in 3 years all I have really accomplished is gaining back and maintaining my weight. I still struggle with eating. I hate it, really. I hate being hungry, especially at work. Today they had me make a cheese pizza so that the vegetarians could eat something. It was 40 minutes before the end of my shift where I could go eat my peanut butter sandwich and I still had a tiny slice of pizza because I was hungry. Which of course translates in my brain as weak. It’s cold and rainy and the Actor probably won’t be able to join me to go to the gym today and I don’t want to walk all the way there. Of course, that means I will do Pop Pilates in my room which shouldn’t bother me because until college that was my main form of exercise, but it still does. Anything out of the ordinary just bothers me to no end, and it’s all irrational. I think of how much I weigh right now and hope that it’s that high because I have some muscles and that’s it. I ran into a record of what I weighed about a year ago and flipped out because I want to be that number again.
And it’s stupid because I basically am that number. I haven’t had to buy a new wardrobe. I’ve had to go up in jeans but that’s because the only jeans I own are the ones I wore when I was 11, so, naturally they wouldn’t fit now because at 11 I didn’t have hips. I’ve been able to wear basically the exact same clothes that I wore when I was 94 pounds. So it shouldn’t bother me. It wouldn’t bother a logical person of a sound mind, but I am not of a sound mind, nor am I logical. I know that one day I will be able to function somewhat normally, and today I am pretty close to being there. I can talk to people and buy food for myself, and I listen when my body is hungry. I just still have hang-ups about what is and isn’t “good” to eat and am addicted to exercise. It’s okay. Maybe 3 years from now I’ll be even further along.
Unlike other awareness weeks I feel like this one actually is important and relevant and it needs to be listened to more. We all know what cancer is, we know it exists, but not many know anything about what an eating disorder actually is. Not that I’m bashing any cancer awareness weeks, I just feel like we get it with that, but we don’t with EDs.