One of my resolutions for this year was to eat clean and so far I have been doing pretty well. I have been eating more veggies and my lunch is just a peanut butter sandwich on wheat until this quarter ends and breakfast is, well, not too great. I don’t get up early enough to get an omelet and I still can’t stand oatmeal so a lot of the times it’s an egg and cheese sandwich on an english muffin, cereal, or pancakes. Dinner is pretty much exclusively veggies with maybe some kind of grain to help keep me full until I go to sleep. So all in all I’m fairly proud of myself.
A lot of times I will have a cup of ice cream or get a smoothie or eat one of the day old muffins they have at work, because, hey, I go 6 hours between meals otherwise and figure it can’t be all bad. But then all hell breaks loose. I tell myself I can’t eat ice cream or a muffin even if I really want it and/or am hungry. Eventually I will eat it and then spend the next 3-6 hours listening to a monologue in my head about what a worthless person I am with absolutely no self-control. Because I can’t tell the difference between restricting and just trying to eat better. I feel like saying I can’t eat something because it is bad for you is exactly like what I was doing three years ago. And it probably was. I still eat enough to function and I can’t tell if I’m losing weight (doubt it) so I’m still alive and in good health and all that, but it’s this last bit that is driving me insane. I know that if I eat sugar less often I will want it less often, it’s just the part in the middle that is hard because your brain is telling you that you want it but you know it’s just from all the chemicals and crap that goes into that stuff, so you try not to eat it and then all you can think about it is and then you eat it and then the world is over. Or that’s how it feels anyway.
I really am eating a lot better and focusing on getting the right amount of protein with all the strength training that I’m doing but it’s really hard. I am hoping that it will be better when I have an apartment and can make my own food and be too poor to buy sweets and any sweets I make will be vegan and significantly healthier and tastier. I guess what I really need to focus on is getting that voice out of my head until I can get into a better living situation. Because in all honesty it is driving me to a very, very bad place that I haven’t been since before I met the Actor.
Clean eating is really important and I am working on it. It is just especially difficult when it feels like all I’m doing is restricting again. Restricting just opens the door to so many other things that I do not want to deal with right now. If I can just get past feeling like this everything will be perfect.