I don’t think I have to tell anyone with an eating disorder, or any kind of disorder or even addiction, how hard it is to recover. I was born with this disorder so it is all I know and this “way of life” is all I know how to do. I still eat 600-1000 calories a day because that is just what I naturally do even though it’s not natural. I still have an exercise addiction which I don’t like to call an addiction because I’ve got it to a point where I don’t overdo it and I know it’s really good for me. I am seeing my body slowly transform into this strong, amazingly fit figure and I love it, but when I started my recovery I thought I was going to die when they told me I couldn’t exercise anymore. I still told myself in recovery that I couldn’t eat unless I exercised more, which obviously isn’t recovery. I got past that mostly, but I still do it. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner yesterday and was so pissed because I hadn’t worked out yet. I kept telling myself that I should have had a salad but I wanted a grilled cheese so that’s what I had.
I’m probably only recovered physically. Mentally I still have a ways to go.
Sometimes I get hypersensitive to my heart rate. A good, healthy heart rate is between 60-100 beats per minute. I know that, but I freak out if it’s more than 60 because for so long my heart rate was 40-60 bpm. So if it’s above 60 bpm I’m convinced that I have the flu and I’m really sick and I’m gonna die. I constantly check to make sure I don’t have a temperature, it’s awful. My heart rate now is normal and healthy but it feels so weird.
I’m not used to feeling healthy. I have been physically recovered for two years. You would think I would be used to feeling healthy but I’ve had the same feelings about my heart rate and feeling healthy for two years. If I don’t eat for a long time I feel crazy exhausted and while I lived like that for years it’s suddenly scary and foreign to me now, which is good. It’s good that it isn’t the usual anymore.
It is hard to get used to everything. It feels so weird being at a place where I am functioning properly because for the majority of my life that was not me. My hands used to always be ice cold. My heart used to be sluggish in my chest. I used to be tired every single day no matter how much sleep I got. Now my hands are a normal temperature unless I type for hours, then they get cold. Now my heart beats at such a regular pace that it freaks me out. Now I have enough energy to actually live. I honestly cannot remember most of my live before sophomore year of high school when I started recovery. Probably because I wasn’t really living then. I am happy with where I am. I am so glad that I was able to get to this point in my life instead of, well, dying.
I know I still have a journey ahead of me. I know I’m not done with my recovery, but I am so happy with all the progress I have made. It feels weird, and hopefully someday I’ll get used to it, but for now I’m glad that I have to stop and think about it because it makes me take the time to appreciate it.