Holiday Anxiety

I am really anxious about the holidays. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas. I look forward to the next year the minute Christmas day ends every year; wondering what Christmas will be like in a year, and excited for that warm holiday spirit to be everywhere again. This is my favorite time of year. I have to force myself to not listen to the Christmas station on Pandora so I don’t annoy my roommate. But I’m really anxious about it.

I will admit that my eating has been good and bad. First of all, I’m at college so it can’t be too good to begin with. I get really sad on Tumblr and Pinterest when I see tasty, healthy meals and I can’t have them because the variety of healthy food here is slim to none. I eat a salad at least once a day usually, but I also have a bar of chocolate or a serving of ice cream once a day, too. To be honest I am completely scared and completely lost. I almost want to buy a scale with my Target gift card so I can monitor my weight while I’m here. I run for an hour three times a week and strength train on the other days, but sometimes I miss a day or two, when back home I would work out every day no matter what. I could eat healthier food at home, too. I try to cut out the junk food but the Actor likes eating it a lot and usually guilts me into eating some, too. Sometimes I just want to eat it even though I know I shouldn’t and then I don’t know what to do because I know restricting isn’t good for me emotionally, but eating candy every day isn’t good for me physically.

I feel so completely out of control. I feel so completely alone and lost, and scared. It makes me really upset because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much I weigh and I have no way of finding out. I could find out tomorrow since I’m going home but I’m also terrified to because I have a feeling it’s going to be some crazy high number. I don’t like not knowing what I’m eating. They also aren’t very clean here so sometimes I end up having to pick chunks of meat off of my food, which is totally gross. I don’t know how to eat here. I know the salads are probably the best choice, but sometimes the stuff they have out is old and gross and a lot of the time I don’t want to have a salad because they’re not fulfilling enough. I’m terrified of my weight and body. I run like nobody’s business, yet I never exercise enough because it’s not the 6 days a week, 1 hour each time Pilates session like it was at home.

I just have no idea what to do. I’m terrified of all the holiday treats ahead of me because I know I won’t be able to resist. I’m scared I won’t be able to fit into my wedding dress (and alterations are crazy expensive so they’re kind of out of the question) come June. When I gave up the scale earlier this year I was fine with it but now I can’t stand not knowing. I hate not knowing what I’m eating. I’ve already said that, but I don’t know what to do. I feel awful. If I could skip Thanksgiving and Christmas I probably honestly would at this point just because of how I feel. I don’t know where my desire to be healthy and fit and toned ends and where my eating disorder begins. No one ever tells you what happens after you’ve restored your weight in recovery. That’s like the end. You weigh a healthy amount now, good luck with your life.

I honestly need help right now. Any suggestions or tips anyone has are welcome, and something other than go see a therapist because that’s not happening. I want to live a healthy lifestyle but I feel like that is completely impossible in college and being around the Actor so much. He’s gotten so used to getting me to eat whatever I want because that was something I needed to get over in recovery so I could gain weight that he still does it even though I’m pretty sure that eating chocolate every day isn’t good for you even if we are Cacaoists.

Someone help me. How can I eat healthy in college and over the holidays? And how can I stop freaking out about my weight?

I’ve said it before, but, I guess I’m not as recovered as I thought I was.


8 thoughts on “Holiday Anxiety

  1. Moving on and letting go. says:

    I’ve found that thinking too much about it just makes it worse. And by that I mean think about what it means to be recovered amd what you are ‘supposed to do’. You are you. You eat different, think different, need different things. A label like ‘anorexic’, ‘recovered’, ‘normal’ isn’t going to help anyone. I am still working on it, but ever since I tried and forget about ‘being something’ it’s like so much pressure has gone away. When you feel bad for doing something, try to not connect it to the label that someone once gave you. I think that once we start to accept who we are, amd accept our problems as a part of us, we can start to deal with them. I don’t know if that made any sence at all, it probably didn’t, but I know your strong enough to deal with this. Just don’t think too much ❤

    • thank you. That really means a lot to me. Labels are stupid.
      “labels don’t make you happy. Good. Bad. Argh! You must love you.” -Wreck It Ralph
      Totally just made me think of that. 🙂

  2. First and foremost, I think getting a scale would only make things worse. Even if the number was a “good” number, it will still make you go crazy trying not to go over it. With that said, is there any way you can go buy your own food? Also, it may be helpful to recruit the actor into supoorting your food choices…let him now that for now, you would feel more comfortable not buying ice crea,/chocolate. As for holiday treats, I relate. I wont be able to resist either, but make sure you are doing your best to fill up on normal foods throughout the day, which will hopefully lessen your chances of overeating dessets. Always remember that the holidays don’t last forever; the weight gain, if any, will be temporary and your body will level out after.

  3. You just wrote exactly what I feel during this time of year. I hate that so many people seem to make it a goal to overeat over the holidays, and to tempt anyone who wants to eat healthy to do the same. My best advice is to fill up on healthy foods, and allow yourself to eat a little of everything you like. Being too strict on yourself might lead to binging. I know that’s not much help, but the healthiest I ever felt, and the lowest weight I was in years, was when I followed that advice. I didn’t start gaining weight until I started having my stomach problems, and couldn’t figure out what I could eat anymore.

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