I am really anxious about the holidays. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas. I look forward to the next year the minute Christmas day ends every year; wondering what Christmas will be like in a year, and excited for that warm holiday spirit to be everywhere again. This is my favorite time of year. I have to force myself to not listen to the Christmas station on Pandora so I don’t annoy my roommate. But I’m really anxious about it.
I will admit that my eating has been good and bad. First of all, I’m at college so it can’t be too good to begin with. I get really sad on Tumblr and Pinterest when I see tasty, healthy meals and I can’t have them because the variety of healthy food here is slim to none. I eat a salad at least once a day usually, but I also have a bar of chocolate or a serving of ice cream once a day, too. To be honest I am completely scared and completely lost. I almost want to buy a scale with my Target gift card so I can monitor my weight while I’m here. I run for an hour three times a week and strength train on the other days, but sometimes I miss a day or two, when back home I would work out every day no matter what. I could eat healthier food at home, too. I try to cut out the junk food but the Actor likes eating it a lot and usually guilts me into eating some, too. Sometimes I just want to eat it even though I know I shouldn’t and then I don’t know what to do because I know restricting isn’t good for me emotionally, but eating candy every day isn’t good for me physically.
I feel so completely out of control. I feel so completely alone and lost, and scared. It makes me really upset because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much I weigh and I have no way of finding out. I could find out tomorrow since I’m going home but I’m also terrified to because I have a feeling it’s going to be some crazy high number. I don’t like not knowing what I’m eating. They also aren’t very clean here so sometimes I end up having to pick chunks of meat off of my food, which is totally gross. I don’t know how to eat here. I know the salads are probably the best choice, but sometimes the stuff they have out is old and gross and a lot of the time I don’t want to have a salad because they’re not fulfilling enough. I’m terrified of my weight and body. I run like nobody’s business, yet I never exercise enough because it’s not the 6 days a week, 1 hour each time Pilates session like it was at home.
I just have no idea what to do. I’m terrified of all the holiday treats ahead of me because I know I won’t be able to resist. I’m scared I won’t be able to fit into my wedding dress (and alterations are crazy expensive so they’re kind of out of the question) come June. When I gave up the scale earlier this year I was fine with it but now I can’t stand not knowing. I hate not knowing what I’m eating. I’ve already said that, but I don’t know what to do. I feel awful. If I could skip Thanksgiving and Christmas I probably honestly would at this point just because of how I feel. I don’t know where my desire to be healthy and fit and toned ends and where my eating disorder begins. No one ever tells you what happens after you’ve restored your weight in recovery. That’s like the end. You weigh a healthy amount now, good luck with your life.
I honestly need help right now. Any suggestions or tips anyone has are welcome, and something other than go see a therapist because that’s not happening. I want to live a healthy lifestyle but I feel like that is completely impossible in college and being around the Actor so much. He’s gotten so used to getting me to eat whatever I want because that was something I needed to get over in recovery so I could gain weight that he still does it even though I’m pretty sure that eating chocolate every day isn’t good for you even if we are Cacaoists.
Someone help me. How can I eat healthy in college and over the holidays? And how can I stop freaking out about my weight?
I’ve said it before, but, I guess I’m not as recovered as I thought I was.