I will be finishing the required 50,000 words this evening. I have been writing an average of 3,000 words a day, sometimes more, most of the time just 3,000. I’m not exactly sure why I’ve been speeding through it so much. Probably because I still have several papers left to write in the quarter and only 7 more instruction days. I can’t believe how fast this quarter has gone. They told me that it would fly by, and I did believe them, but at the same time I’m just shocked at how fast it has gone. And kind of having a panic attack at how close Christmas is and how little Christmas shopping I have done.
I’ve been speeding through my novel this year because I need to stop writing it. I love writing, of course, but I really should have picked a different thing to write about.
Love>”Perfection” will not be finished at the 50,000 word mark. In fact I have only about a third of it done at 50,000 words. Will it ever be finished? To be completely honest I do not know.
Love>”Perfection” is loosely based off of my experience with my eating disorder, focusing on the recovery part and learning to love others, myself, and be loved. I think I’ve done a fair job with it, but that’s not the problem. I have to stop writing it. I need to shelf it and step back for a long, long time. Probably a few years even though this was something I was hoping to work toward publishing for the next four years if it took that long. Writing it has taken an emotional toll on me because of how far I have to go back in my memories to write it. I’m suddenly too preoccupied with the past. I’m remembering all the bad bits of my childhood without meaning to just because I hear a trigger word.
I made a chart. A chart where I log my food for the day, including the caloric amount and add it up at the end of the day. I’m only allowed 1 treat per day, and 1 treat means one mini piece of chocolate. I’m supposed to eat a salad once a day, which is a good healthy thing to do but I don’t want to eat a salad every day because I’m getting tired of the same combination of spinach, lettuce, mushrooms, carrots, cucumbers, black olives, tofu, and dried cranberries. It’s delicious but I’m getting bored of it. I was excited to find that the Asian food place in the SURC had tofu but only when they feel like it, and rice and steamed vegetables is oddly expensive.
I have spent a good part of this month hating myself for eating what I want. I honestly feel like I have lost progress. Why? Is it because I feel like I need to be Cady Pryce so I can write about her? Or is it because I feel like Cady Pryce is better than me at her eating disorder and therefore I am a failure? I don’t understand all of my behavior most of the time. I just know that I mainly feel inadequate and worthless and writing this book is not making it any better.
So I’m going to finish the 50,000 necessary words tonight and probably say goodbye to it for a while; work on something else. That’s probably not true. I’ll probably end up finishing it anyway. We’ll see how it goes. I just know that the fact that I hate myself and the holidays are here are not a good combination.