Today really was a wonderful day.
So why am I sitting here feeling like shit?
Oh, right, because I’m insane. Well, not insane. I haven’t been officially diagnosed as insane. Just depressed and anorexic.
I woke this morning to a light snowfall that made me think of Christmas. I had a delicious breakfast and went shopping before lunch with the Actor and saw a wonderful display of Christmas decorations that it took all my will not to buy and take back to my dorm. I had the first peanut butter sandwich in months for lunch and attended my two classes for the day, the first being very fun and the second got out earlier which made it awesome. I had a good dinner and a good meeting with my group for our presentation in history in a few weeks on the Roaring 20’s. I then trudged all the way around campus for no reason other than to admire the stars just a little longer to get to the theater instead of taking the short cut. I bought my ticket to see the opening night of the first show this academic year, the one the Actor has been preparing for for a while now and sat in the third row with no giant heads in front of me to block my view.
The Tempest, which was the show, was wonderfully put on. I was cast as Miranda back in high school but turned it down because I didn’t want to rehearse after school from 2:10 to 7:00 but I still have that monologue memorized. Needless to say the actress playing Miranda was far better than I could ever hope to be and the whole thing was wonderfully done. Except for the musical inaccuracies it was wonderful.
Something always gets me when I see the shows that the Actor is in though. While I do enjoy watching him and his cast mates and seeing what they have spent months working on I always leave feeling funny. I sat with some people instead of sitting alone but they were also part of the theater department so they knew everyone on stage and laughed about what their friends were doing and had conversations I have no hope in ever being able to join. I booked it home, mainly because it is 33 degrees outside, but also because I just wanted to be alone as I fear I will always be.
I am still not sure exactly what it is that bothers me because I have no rational reason to be bothered. I guess it has to do with my feelings of inadequacy. I couldn’t help but think the whole time that I will never be able to do something like that. While they all work together I will always work alone. I will never write something good enough for my name to be known by anyone other than family and friends. I will never be pretty enough or thin enough to be admired or graceful. I occurred to me on my walk home that I will always be big and clunky and awkward, something I fear I am doomed to always be.