Back just before I was forced to recover (I say this in a positive tone) I had started shopping again. I hadn’t bought clothes for myself in a long time because I hadn’t gotten down to my goal weight yet. I had finally got to GW1 so I figured I should buy some new clothes to celebrate. After all, food to celebrate was out of the question.
I was so thrilled that I could buy shirts in a size small now instead of medium even though I only wore a medium for certain female reasons and not because I was big. My brain didn’t think that, though. My brain told me that medium was larger than small and anything larger than small was bad. My goal was to get to extra-small. My goal was to fit the clothes they put on mannequins. Now, my bone structure makes this completely impossible but I didn’t know that then and I was going to do anything to get there. I probably would have broken and reset some bones so I could have back then.
Almost immediately after I had bought those new shirts I was put into out-patient care. Everyone that cared about me started feeding me at every chance they got (and the Actor hasn’t stopped) and I gained those first 5 pounds faster than I thought possible. My body had been so malnourished that I just clung onto anything it could get. After a few months I found that those shirts I had bought didn’t fit anymore and I was so upset. I had spent money on them, cut the tags off, and thrown away the receipts. There was no returning them and getting a refund. Spending money is really hard for me so the fact that I had even bought clothes to begin with was amazing.
I still have those shirts in my closet and I have no idea why because I will never be able to fit into them.
And that’s okay.
I’m sad I can’t wear them because they’re really cute, but it’s okay that I can’t wear them. Now I’m healthy. I exercise and eat well and I’m at the weight, whatever it is, that my body needs to be at to live and function correctly. The label on my clothes doesn’t dictate my personality. It doesn’t decide what grades I get in school or who my friends are. It’s just a label on a shirt that I have to wear because you can’t go around in your birthday suit. And it’s also freaking cold here now.
Size doesn’t matter. I do have to add a little disclaimer that if your size is killing you, you should probably change that, but even then size still doesn’t dictate who you are, and that’s what really matters.
Now I love this quote and I love what it says, but it’s not real because size 0 did not exist in Marilyn’s time. The inaccuracy aside, this is great. Remember, who you are is more important than the label on your clothes.