Going Backward While Moving Forward

College has been quite the experience and I’ve only been here 3 weeks. Already it feels normal to shower in a bathroom shared with many other girls in my wing. It feels normal going to the SURC to get my food or sit in my room and pull something out of my makeshift cupboard for lunch or dinner. It’s normal to walk across campus to get to class at 1pm instead of getting up at 5:30am to be ready in time for the bus to take me to school to sit for ~8 hours. One of my friends was complaining about having two 2-hour classes right next to each other in the same room the other day. I mentioned to him that we did that double time for 12 years. He told me to be quiet. I’m learning new things and working toward my degree and getting that much closer to the future I have been looking forward to since I was a little girl. I’ve adjusted to a new routine now.

This routine also includes lots of time glancing over and over again into my roomie’s full length mirror when she’s gone and making sure everything fits just right and that I haven’t gained any of the Freshman 15 yet. Lots of pinching, poking, sucking, flexing, and grabbing. Lots of negativity running around in my head.

You’ll never fit into your wedding dress now, fat bitch. Why don’t you own more t-shirts so people don’t have to see how fat you are?

I haven’t found the scales in the gym yet. I assume they’re in the bathroom but I haven’t used the gym bathrooms yet, and I don’t know how much my running shoes and workout clothes weigh so I don’t know what to subtract from the number it gives me. And I drink 50oz of water every day so at least half of that is already ingested by the time I would get to weigh myself. I need a scale for my room…

That is a really stupid thing to say since I haven’t weighed myself since I got engaged and have quite enjoyed not knowing. Well, up until now.

I ate a bowl of cereal with the Actor for breakfast this morning, had a Larabar for lunch, and by 3 in the afternoon I was ready for a full on binge. I started eating what was mine in my room and got through 3 things before my roommate came in and I had to stop eating. Two hours later I went to dinner with the Actor and ate a cheese quesadilla and he bought us pumpkin shaped reese’s peanut butter cups. I don’t know how many calories that is but I know that barely any of it was actually good for me in any way. I worked out for an hour and forty minutes today and took the long way to get to class. I was just going to eat grapes for lunch but they were all gross and old so I had to settle on a Larabar.

I know I’m slipping and the Actor and some of you keep telling me to call the counseling center on campus and get some help. Here’s a list of why I haven’t done that yet and why I don’t plan to.

  1. It’s too hard.
  2. I have too much homework, meaning I don’t have time.
  3. I need to focus on getting a job first.
  4. I’m still eating. I’m not skipping meals.
  5. I don’t want to admit that I have a problem

I have come so far in the past 2 1/2 years. I don’t like that I’m going backward but if I just keep living and working then maybe, I think, I can just get over it and get back on track. I don’t want to admit that I am slipping to anyone, especially myself.

Consider how special I’m going to feel when I go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If I continue to feel the way I am right now I am going to go crazy. I love the holidays but that it way too much food.

I know I should call the counseling center. I’m usually in class when they’re open though meaning I wouldn’t be able to get in for an appointment anyway. That should be excuse number 6.

Now I’m just making excuses.

I’m gonna go do some squats and watch what I missed of the presidential debate. 


11 thoughts on “Going Backward While Moving Forward

  1. Aww, Aja, you’re probably feeling stressed about school and the wedding, and that’s why you feel like you’re “slipping”.
    But if you’re admitting you have a problem, that means you want to take the initiative to fix it even if you don’t have time to see a counselor. I think you can easily nip your problem in the bud, because you’re so open to eating a variety of foods (not eliminating foods for no reason). I see eating foods as an adventure, and when I see you in pictures that you post, you look so pretty I don’t understand how you can possibly think you’re you-know-what. Take this as a compliment: you’re beautiful, slender, and so gosh-darn pretty it’s no wonder your Mister loves you so much!

    And you don’t have to feel bad about not eating enough at class today. I’m an extremely healthy person, but I forgot to bring my lunch to campus today, and I only had three bucks in my pocket. I starved the whole morning till late afternoon (five O’ clock!) until my dad came to rescue me. I was surviving on a Nature Valley granola bar and a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew from the vending machine all day. Blech. needless to say, I probably had a substantial 1800 calories for my dinner with my family with NO regrets, and I’m looking forward to desert 😉

    And I did squats while watching the debate, too!!! We think alike!!! 😀 Since we’re good friends, can I ask who you are going for in the election? I won’t judge, promise!

    • Haha, thanks for your sweet comment. Please don’t kill me, but Obama. That might be obvious though because I think I wrote a post like 2 years ago about being a socialist or something. I had just read a whole book that completely changed my perspective on the US.

  2. Nataly says:

    I don’t think you should look at it as slipping. I’m more inclined to believe that by getting in touch with the counselor and maybe putting some steps into place it’s more like preventative maintenance. You *have* come a long way…. And you should protect the progress you’ve made. Any sort of change and disruption to routine is unsettling and can cause familiar (if unhealthy) behaviours to surface but by seeing the counselor (even if it’s hard and you have homework) you can protect and enhance the progress you’ve made. It’s not slipping, it’s prevention. xo.

  3. I lost my appetite watching the debate last night, so beware!
    Take a deep breath and just call. Maybe they will schedule an appointment time to accommodate YOU. I know how hard that call is to make. I also know you won’t regret it! 😉

    • I had already eaten and it was digested so I was okay watching it. LOL.
      I know I won’t. I’ll make it my goal to call today or tomorrow. Lots of classes today.

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