Daddy Don’t Care

As some of you long-time readers might know my parents are separated, their divorce has been pending for about 4 years now. If divorce wasn’t so crazy and expensive it would be done but since it’s not reasonable it is not. My father was a father to me from the time I was born to the time I was about 2 1/2. After that something went wrong. He has had numerous girlfriends since then, missed 98% of my birthdays and acted more like a spoiled, stupid, older sibling than a parent. When he moved out I couldn’t have been happier, which is a sad thing for a person to say. I haven’t had a positive relationship with him since I was a toddler.

He has met my fiancé maybe twice in the 3 years we have been dating. He never took an interest in my life or our relationship, so it came as a shock to me when he was offended that Kyle didn’t ask for his permission to marry me. He wanted to use our engagement party to introduce his weird new girlfriend to the family who has no sense of boundaries and from what I’ve heard of her backstory she isn’t really fit to be around kids. He very clearly wanted to turn our engagement party into something all about him and his new relationship. He asked my mom if we were getting married because I’m pregnant. He told my mom he feels like Steve Martin in Father of the Bride which makes no sense because he hasn’t been a part of my life for over 10 years. He suggested that our wedding be a double wedding, my fiancé and me, and him and his new crazy girlfriend. I asked him not to bring her to the party and he freaked out, saying she had to be there to have his back. We weren’t going to attack him, I don’t know what his problem was. He made a huge deal out of it, basically just wanting to turn the whole thing into something about him instead of celebrating the engagement of his only daughter and so I uninvited him.

My father has never been a father to me. I’ve referred to him by his first name since I was 9. Part of me is really sad about that. I really wish I could have had a father and been a  “Daddy’s Girl” and that my father would have scared Kyle when he took me out on our first date. He has given me a lot of issues. I have a giant fear of abandonment, my depression was inherited from him, and I have love issues, which is why I’m so thankful to have my fiancé because he is just amazing and helps me with all my issues. Part of me is really sad I have never had a real father. My mom always says, “he’s still your dad,” and I reply, “biologically,” and that’s the end of that. I share genes with the guy, and I wish I didn’t, but that is the extent of our relationship other than I hate him for what he did and continues to do to my mom, my brother, and me. Needless to say he will not be invited to the wedding. My grandpa on my mom’s side will be walking me down the aisle. There will be no father-daughter dance, which made me really sad when I went to my friend’s wedding and she had her great dance with her loving father, but I am pretty much okay with it not happening. I’m not going to invite him and dance with him just for ceremony. It would be empty and a waste of time. He has demonstrated to me that he does not care about me and my life and does not want to be involved unless he can gain something personally from it, so I am honoring his decision.

My father doesn’t care. I wish it were different, but this is the way things are. This is just how my life happened to play out and that is okay. My fiancé and I made a decision a while back that we will have kids when we have made it in our careers and are financially stable enough to have kids, so probably not for at least 10 years, and permitting I can even carry a child. I know there is a very real chance of me not being able to because of what I had done to my body, but we’ll deal with that when the time comes. It makes me really happy to know that if we have a girl she will have something that I didn’t have. She will have a father that cares for her and that will make me so incredibly happy. My father couldn’t give a flying fig about me and that’s okay because I’ve grown up and moved on with my life okay without him. I have a wonderful fiancé that I love and who loves me back and who will without a doubt make a wonderful father when the time comes, if it comes. 

My disorder did not come out of my lack of a father. It was there and would have developed with or without him. I do wish he did care but I am also okay with him not caring. I have made my way through over half of my life without a father and I think I’ve turned out all right. Some girls have dads that care about them and are really protective and will cry at their weddings like they’ve never cried before. I wish I had that, and at the same time I’m okay with the fact that I don’t. My daddy don’t care, but my child’s will, and that is the best thing I could ever hope for. I wish my childhood had been a little different, but at the same time I wouldn’t change it for the world. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I hope you understand?


5 thoughts on “Daddy Don’t Care

  1. If I’ve learned anything in my past recovery, it’s that we can’t always rely on family members and that if that’s the case, we must move on and not dwell on it. It looks like you do that already though. I do sometimes wish certain family members of mine were different, or that they had raised me differently, but then we wouldn’t be the people we are today without that. Just stick to your boundaries with him, and know that whenever he makes it about him, that’s simply what it is. It’s not you. You aren’t a bad person. You shouldn’t feel bad if you decide not to include him or his gf in certain activities. He’s the one who needs to change!

    • Thanks. I always feel like people will side with him because “he’s my father” like my mom always reminds me. It’s always nice to have someone understand the reality of it from the outside.

  2. I do understand. You would not believe how thoroughly I understand. I didn’t speak to my father for about 15 years. Now, we actually have a great relationship, and my mother and I don’t speak (haven’t spoken for 12 years). The best advice I can give is to not let bitterness take over. That is what happened to my mother. I have been really careful about not becoming bitter about her issues, and reminding myself that nothing is black and white. According to her, I am an evil, horribly selfish person. According to me, she is troubled. I refuse to hate her. Hatred changes people too much.

    • My dad is crazy, I get that, but I’m still mad at him. I hope that can change some day. I’m sorry about your relationship with your parents.

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